Things that irritate me

I don't like web sites that passive-aggressively try to trap me into looking at their page, either by popping up windows with intentionally misleading dialog or by freaking disabling the close window button on my browser. Why would you think anyone in their right mind is going to react positively to that behavior? Grrr. Yes, this just happened to me and I am a slightly cranky about it. Passive Aggressive advertising beware! Your doom has come!

I am a horrible sibling

My brother's birthday is today and I completely forgot, despite the fact that he told me yesterday. I will take him bowling tonight or something to make up for it. Yes, I know, I am a thrillseeker.

Bounty understand my life

survey
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

I was mindlessly filling out a Tivo survey while eating lunch for a chance at a free HD tivo when I hit this page. If you'll look at my answers you'll see how far I got before the questions and my answers to them sunk in. They are clearly trying to assess how much of their advertising I mindlessly absorbed like some sort of brainless consumer drone which I find profoundly irritating. I am more than the sum of my consuming habits you bastards!

Still, who knows how deeply that innocent looking tivo has infiltrated my life. Suspicious that insufficiently enthusiastic responses to the product would lead to some sort of Clockwork Orangeish reprogramming I answered a neutral 3 to all of them and pressed submit, even thought I will not.

Fun facts

Here's a fun fact I bet you didn't know about me: I stay up late too much. I HATE going to sleep. It's some type of neurosis. I even wrote a dramatic 4 page story about being such a chronic oversleeper that I sleep through the apocalypse, which will not be distributed on this site (if you're real good I may bring out my trust poem pen and try to top some of my angsty high school epics. You're welcome in advance). So Zombie H and Phoenix H are now duking it out for control of the sleep cycle. Last night Zombie H won with a shocking 5am bed time compounded by a bird that decided to start tearing paper as he was trying to go to sleep (a bird who, shockingly, responded to reason). Tonight, Phoenix H "wins" by pushing that back to 3am. Progress.

A thought: Is it possible there's just nothing in Reno worth waking up for?

Mash me up

I can't really take credit for this. A local friend of mine recently introduced me to mashups. The immediate question that hit me was, "How on earth did I only now become aware of this?" Searching for mashups on YouTube and listening to tracks downloaded from the Bootie Blog gave me hours of giggles. On the blog, click the "Top 10" tag to get a list of downloadable tracks for the last year or more. They've also released three CDs, all of which are downloadable.

For your enjoyment, one of my favorite blast-from-the-past mashups, "Boulevard of Broken Songs."

Random picture of the day

I don't know why I found this amusing, but I did. Fake fertility goddess at the aquarium in vegas. Because, you know, what trip to the aquarium is complete without a fertility goddess?

Invention I need

It occurs to me that I need a better alarm clock. But not just louder or more reliable. No, I need a leap forward in alarm clock design. Not only do I need it to wake me up at a certain time, I also need it to knock me out 8 hours before. Now that's something I would pay for.

Super Mega Vegas Trip Journal

Friday, Oct 31.

(times largely approximate with an error of several hours)

1:50, fly into vegas. Mood: excited. Also happy plane was airworthy. Note to self: grow wings so I can avoid airlines in the future.

3:00 pm: Have dinner with L and J who graciously put up with my blather. Feel awkward. Probably am awkward. Justin Long is apparently sitting in cafe with us. Want to look around wildly to find him but don't. Content to breathe his air. Will not wash these lungs again.

Early evening: Tag along with L and J and L to go last minute clothes shopping. Do not find good rockabillly but it is revealed that what I brought is probably appropriate. Hooray! Have talk with L, L's sister. Good talk. Nice to finally not feel awkward.

Late Evening: L and J and I attempt to find halloween party action. Largely unsuccessful in getting into clubs, but meet lots of L and Js friends for friendly drinks. They all seem nice. Still feel awkward.

Late, late evening: Apparently most couples out and about in Vegas got the same memo, women are dressed as the sluttiest furries imaginable, guys are dressed as giant douches. Oh wait, the guys didn't dress up, they're just dressed normally and ARE giant douches. And no, it doesn't look at all predatory to have fairly sober guys escorting completely smashed slut bunnies up until their rooms. Side note to the side note: I may be a prude.

Saturday Nov 1st:

3pm: Wake up. 12 hours sleep. Hooray!

7:30 pm: Make it to wedding chapel with 3 minutes to spare. Am shocked to see old flame C with baby until I remember she married into L and L's family. Funny side note, used to date L's sister, L. Then old flame marries into L's family. Additionally, L that I used to date marries an N (who I like), another old flame recently married anther N. (who I do not like). Suspect life is laughing at me. Anyway, have good, non-awkward conversation with C. I may be growing up.

8:00 pm: Elvis wedding more spectacularly entertaining than I would have thought possible. Smoke effects, pink cadillac, dancing, it's fantastic. Best wedding I've attended.

9:00pm to midnight: Reception is nice, has good food. Exotic Japanese food is fun. Not good at parties. Feel awkward throughout, manage not to spill drink or food on self which is major accomplishment. Have nice conversations with C and husband D and with L and N.

Sunday Nov. 2:

Midnight to 5am: Crushing vertigo and acrophobia. Suddenly realize that under room is one room and then 100 feet of air. Cannot get thought out of head. Cannot sleep. May have anxiety problems.

11 am: Wake up after maybe 4 hours good sleep. Karmic repayment for bragging about 12 hours sleep all yesterday evening I'm sure. Go hang out with L and N. Have lunch in casino, then attend aquarium. Aquarium is fun. Manage not to be eaten by sharks or Komodo dragon. Charlie Brown karma successfully dodged. Sea Turtles favorite. Remind me of discworld. Note to self: may be nerd.

3pm: Get to airport with plenty of time to spare. This turns out to be unfortunate because my plane is delayed by 3 hours. Rocket scientists at Las Vegas Airport decide to close all runways but one down. Luckily, I have digital devices to entertain me in the midst of crowded and cranky airline passengers. A nerd is always prepared.

9pm: Arrive home. Hooray! Good trip. Thanks to L and J for inviting me.

Video of the day

It's been a herculean effort not to turn this blog into a platform to complain about my last relationship, but today I'll do it in video form. This ben folds video really resonates with me with regards to my last relationship. I can't embed it because that's been disabled by request, but please check the link out. Apart from my emotional connection it happens to be a really good song from a really good album. Don't be distracted by the Tim and Eric video production. I watch those guys religiously and they always make me laugh my ass off (hmm, I "get" chubby white boys with a bizarre sense of humor . . . strange) but for the uninitiated the video itself may just seem . . . really odd. Anyway, don't let the weirdness of the video distract you from the brilliance of the song.

Beast

New favorite album. This isn't an official video but you can list to the song in video here. Loving the full album too. Kind of vibes with the end of time dogma I learned as a kid. Of course, every time I'm singing along and get to the "I love the beast, ya'll" I reflexively check the mirror for a 666 on my forehead. Ah, indoctrination, how you linger.

Aftermath

I am very pleased that I voted, that the person I voted for was elected president, and that Nevada turned blue this year. For once I lived in a state where I feel like my vote counted and that's a good feeling. Now I'm just sitting back and waiting for the conservatives to suddenly rediscover the concepts of limits on the executive branch and how to howl endlessly over tiny issues for 8 years like they did with Clinton.

Good times.

By Special Request

Because Australia demands it, another serious reminder about voting.

Video of they day - Josh Pyke

Straight from Australia, as introduced to me by my Aussie friends, is my new favorite artist Josh Pyke. This is a nice song, made all the sweeter, oddly, by the choice of words at the end of the chorus. You'll know what I mean when you watch it.

Drill, baby, Drill!

I wonder how long it's going to take for the porn industry to come out with a porno of the same name as this post title?

I'm not a big fan of the pornography industry because I consider it de-humanizing and I don't think the actors and actresses walk away from it emotionally health and unscathed, but that said, I do find their constant attempts to parody major movie titles or pop culture kind of amusing. In college the local video store seemed to traffic in those silly titles. My roommate at the time begged me every day for a few weeks for 10 bucks so he could go buy edward penishands (which I never gave him). But the conversation made me laugh every time.

I'm not really going anywhere with this, it just occurred to me today that there must be work going on at this very moment to turn that slogan into an election campaign themed porno.

Statistics I am interested in

I want to know the percentage of straight men, who cannot use the product "Ben gay" because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Then I want to know how many straight, homophobic men cannot use the product "ben gay" because it makes them angry and uncomfortable. Lastly, I want to know how many straight, homophobic men named Ben cannot use the product "ben gay" because "What the hell do they know?".

Get on it science.

Who is Goose?

Did you know that John McCain and Sarah Palin are Mavericks? Not only that, they're a team of Mavericks. They're a gaggle of Mavericks. A murder of Mavericks. The most Mavericky Mavericks that every Mavericked. They'll Maverick your socks off. Stand back, they have a Maverick! Granted, they have no specific policies to enact once in office, but rest assured, they'll Maverick the government to within an inch of it's life. That's just how Mavericks roll, with seat of the pants, fly by night Mavericking. Now, whether this means heads of "Washington Insiders" who have been at this for longer than 5 weeks on pikes in front of the Whitehouse or an odd predilection to wearing chaps and cowboy hats to cabinet meetings only a Maverick can tell you. In conclusion, Maverick off Maverick-fuckers! These two have a campaign to Maverick! Yeeeee-haaaawwwww!

Rolling stones

This article by Matt Taibbi is just brutal on Palin. I don't quite agree with everything said, but if you dislike the mccain campaign immensely and don't want Palin anywhere near the white house, this is a very cathartic article.

Red Rum

So, it looks like I'll be staying at the hotel that they filmed the Shining at for a conference in November. That should be interesting . . ..

Quote of the day

"When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots." -- Bender

Quotes of the day

"Fry, try to understand. You're a man, I'm a woman. We're just two different people!" -- Leela

"I bought champagne. I opened the bottle. What does a guy have to do?" -- Fry

Quote of the Day

"PLAGUES have had better opening nights than this!" -- Calculon

Yeah, Uh, I am a Scientist

I listen to this in the morning sometimes to pump myself up for work

Music Friday

New favorite band. Lots of room to dislike them, but for now I am fixated.

Discrimination

IMG_0169
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

As you can see, I had some trouble getting in.

Time Travel Bargains

Time Travel Bargains
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

When I saw this sign all I could think of was putting a pair on and flip-flopping my way into the future much the way Michael J. Fox did. Also, do you think there's any difference between the summer and winter versions? Maybe summer only goes to the past, and winter only goes to the future?

"Time Sandals, you never forget your first trip to the Jurassic in flip-flops."

Comicon Report, part the second

buddy jesus
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

This was one of my favorite costumes, the Buddy Jesus. He was remarkably soft spoken and Jesus-like as well. He had a large crowd following him around wanting pictures taken with him (when I took this there were 10 people behind me waiting to get in one with him). Anyway, greatly entertaining.

Things that make me sad

The Star Trek Online forums make me sad. Full of people declaring that only this or that game format will be "truly Star Trek". And playing the old game forum favorite of "I have 5 people that agree with me! Surely the game developers should turn over control of the game to us!"

My favorite are the people advocating that everyone start at the academy in starfleet and spend most of their time in-game taking orders from some unemployed 28-year-old mouth breather who is the "captain". And very thoughtfully pat each other on the back one someone agrees with them "Truly you a Star Trek Scholar and Poet, because you have captured exactly what star trek should be." Wait, no, my favorite was one of the afore-mentioned casually posting that they wanted to be able to have "erotic" star trek adventures because mature people like to do that. They were pretty clearly part of the erotic Stak Trek fan fiction community and wanted to take that online.

Essentially they want to live in star trek and if this MMO doesn't do that for them they are going to revolt or something. They just remind me how out of touch and sad geeks can be.

On another note, have I showed you my collection of veritech fighters? Sigh, I would love to live in Robotech. Of course, for anyone to make a game that lets you do that, they would have to incorporate the following things or it would be worthless and I would hate them. First, the controller would need to be a life-size, full scale veritech . . . . .

Rant Interlude

So this post on a few police incidents kind of has me furious. Especially the one where they taser a guy with a goddamn BROKEN BACK 18 times because he "seems dangerous". Also, invading the home of a fucking mayor without warning and killing his dogs (one of whom was running AWAY) because someone sent him a package they thought might have had drugs. HE GOT A PACKAGE FROM SOMEONE AT RANDOM AND THEY ENTERED HIS HOUSE AND KILLED HIS DOGS. This is all bad enough. Worst aspect? No penalties to the authorities for acting this way. Why the fuck aren't more people concerned about police acting like thugs and abusing their authority? Are we really that cowed by an irrational fear of "bad people" that we're willing to let the police fuck up big time without fear of consequence?

FUCK and GOD DAMN IT.

That super Suavey feeling

There's nothing quite like walking into the Apple store, making a purchase with a cute clerk, and then walking out to the car and discovering your fly has been down since you left the house. Smooth.

Making fun of movie trailers

You know, I liked the X-files. I started a couple seasons late, but I watched it all the way to the bitter, bitter end. So you must understand that I'm a little confused about the trailers for the new movie. X-files has had some really interesting and mysterious storylines that thrill and terrify. So I'm trying to figure out why they decided to ignore all of those interesting stories and instead put together, as far as I can tell, the least interesting plot imaginable. I'm hoping it's just a matter of only some of the intro shots being ready for the trailer, but so far in a season with movie trailers that make me want to see every movie every weekend, I think it's quite an accomplishment to take the X-files franchise and reduce it to "meh" in the TRAILER.

Chris Carter, you have disappointed me for the last time.

More musak

Just for fun. And just the song, the image is a still.

What's in a Name?

Zapp Brannicat
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

This poor guy, I have had him for several years now and I've never settled on a good name for him. He arrived to me as "Bouncer" which was decent, but a little too Looney Toons for my taste. I had always intended to give him a good name, but didn't. He's picked up a lot of nicknames over the last couple of years (mostly from me searching for the right one), but none of them seemed to fit. Among other things he has been called:

Bouncer
Buddy
Thunder cat
Battle Cat
Minino
Long Paw (of the law)
Lady Marmalade
Zaphod (the most recent attempt at a Z name to match Zatanna)

None of those have that special ring though. Until I happened upon the perfect name (starting with a Z no less!) while watching an episode of Futurama.

Feel free to call him what you want, but as of today he has a new official name. I present to you:

Zapp Brannicat!

Dynamic Duo

Dynamic Duo
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

Normally when these two are this close to each other there is lots of hissing and claw swiping involved, but this morning they decided to pose. In actuality this may be some sort of passive-aggressive territory squabble, but I'll take peace when I can get it. Anyway, they are also cute and deserving of pictures so there ya go.

New Music Fixation

The Fratellis are my new musicians of interest. The first album (that this video is taken from) is pretty much catchy, raucous rock and roll meant to be sung loudly in bars or brothels (apparently). I really like it, although the girls they have in their videos are kind of silly. Second album is pretty good as well, although their sound changes somewhat, which is okay of course , still pretty good. I imagine next few days are going to be pretty much full of fratelli links so prepare yourselves.

okay, Rant Time (hooray!).

I have become a chubby bastard. One of the side effects of this is that my fat fleshy neck collapses my already small airway at night, causing me to stop breathing repeatedly while I sleep. This keeps me from reaching REM and deep sleep almost every night. That is of course, unless I sleep hooked up to my darth vader CPAP machine which keeps my airway open enough at night to keep my breathing constant which allows me to achieve every sleep cycle known to man, even those reserved for non-fatties (Oh how I hates you non-fatties).

ANYWAY, because I am stupid and lazy and occasionally depressed I missed a few payments on CPAP machine (not because I didn't have money, purely because of stupid and lazy and depressed, hooray for me). How it works is insurance and I pay off machine for 6 months until the machine is mine, as in I own it. So a few weeks back, the company that "rents" me the machine calls wanting to take it back (they can't have my magical sleep machine, mine!). So I call the sleep clinic the originally diagnosed me (because they like to help patients, odd, I know). I had just gotten my act together and mailed in all my missing payments that week, and told everyone so. After a few days, it all gets worked out. The company that wants to take the machine back says my payment came in, all is well, I'm their new favorite customer, would I like candy?, etc. I have received no further bills from them since then.

A week after that I get a call from another guy from the same damn company, saying he needs to pick up the machine. I assume this was a hiccup in the bureaucracy and ignore it. Today, I get some damn guy at my goddamn house trying to pick the damn machine up. I asked him why and he said I was being "transitioned" to another company, which is the same damn thing they told me back when the problems started. I'm fairly sure "transitioned" means "we're trying to drop you and take the machine back and resell it" because they haven't told me why they're dropping me nor are they "transitioning" me to another company. They're "transitioning" me from covered to screwed. I told him the story in miniature, that last I heard they were completely happy with me, and that I need them to call me again to see what's going on. If necessary, I'm sure my sleep clinic will back me up again (they tell me the machine is nearly mine so under no circumstances give it back to them).

What I think is going on is said company is engaged in bureaucratic douchebaggery, and is attempting to take the machine back and resell it using some crap excuse purely in an effort to screw me over to save themselves money. For once in my life I am standing up for myself and they seem to back down quickly which makes me think they don't have a particularly good excuse for taking it.

To sum up: I'm getting pretty goddamn tired of the fact that the companies and people that are supposedly supplying me with medical equipment are intentionally looking for ways to screw me over to save money. I've read several articles about how most insurance companies do the same thing. Try to deny service whenever possible to save money. I"m not saying these are evil people, I'm saying how messed up is it when half the medical establishment is actively looking for an opportunity NOT to help you when you need it? The only angel in all this has been the doctors at my sleep clinic who are 100% on my side in all of this.

To sum up the sum up: The next person that patronizingly tells me we have the best healthcare in the world gets a kick to the crotch.

Work computer

Work computer
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

And for pure bragging rights, here is my work computer set-up. I hope one day to be as productive as this set-up would indicate I am.

Zatanna

Zatanna
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

Here's a pretty good picture of Zatanna. She can be elusive. She's just about the cutest cat I've ever seen. Always has a wide-eyed look about her and will talk to you if you talk to her. Perhaps I'll get video of it. In any case, two other things:

1) Yes, she has a tail, she's it's just curled over.

2) As you might tell from the previous cat picture, my house is as spartan as it is neat.

Cat Gremlin

Cat Gremlin
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

I haven't had time to blog recently, here's a few pictures. First, my kitty attempting to imitate or infiltrate the electronic appliances.

Little Earthquakes

So after my last post there was a 4.7 (like I think late that night) which freaked everyone out, and broke a few knick knacks in my house, but otherwise left most of us unharmed. I think a few people right over the epicenter had cracks in their walls and moved off of foundations a little bit, but mostly everyone was okay. Since then earthquake activity has died down a bit in frequency, although there was a 3.7 late last night. In any case, in the meantime I have purchased a disaster emergency kit which I don't expect to have to use but find comforting, and I have done some interior redesigning with the possibility of earthquakes shaking things down in mind and find that I feel pretty confident in case of earthquake now. Not a lot can fall in the house now that would hurt me or the cats and I have supplies in case of disruption. So hooray for being prepared.

*crazy*

Although, somewhere out there, under the earth, I know those earthquake worms are biding their time, waiting for their time to strike. Right now they are lulling us all into a false sense of security, but they can't fool me. They will never get me!

*/crazy*

Quakin' and a shakin'

Two, 4+ magnitude quakes today. Both of these felt all the way at work (10 miles away or so). Remember, you can pinpoint my house on this map.

Deep breaths . . . remain calm . . .

. . .

. . .

Agggh! It's the last days of pompeii!

IT'S THE LAST DAYS OF POMPEEIIIII!!!! (runs off screaming)

Age wars

This new mosquito device that emits an annoying noise that only teenagers can hear is the funniest thing to me. It is, of course, used by the elderly, who are in general afraid and jealous of the young, to "keep them from loitering". Which is a funny way of saying it, because loitering assumes that young people may have legitimate business in the area in question and perhaps linger too long after completing said business, but the device would keep them from even showing up in the first place. So I am just young enough to be amused that old people no longer have to come out and shout at the kids to "get off of their lawn", they just activate the sonic device that causes young people to run away screaming, hands held over bleeding ears. It's the elderly version of a safety blanket. I'm predicting portable versions that will keep a kid-free bubble of sonic assault around the elderly at all times in the future.

However, I am also just old enough to be incredibly amused at the effects it has on young people. For instance, the anecdote about teenagers no longer congregating and getting into fights in the parking lot made me chuckle for the mental image it created. Kids acting all rambunctious then fleeing in all directions when "pest-be-gone" is activated just makes me laugh. Probably because it makes them seem like animals in my head. And I am amused by this because I am just old enough to start resenting young people for the crimes of being young: i.e. so naive and stupid, but so convinced they are the only smart people ever ( as we all were), so contemptuous of people older than them even though they're doing crap all with their lives, and, of course, because they are younger and prettier than me. So yes, the idea of these youngsters about to fight in some barely sentient display of primate aggression then dispersing upon hearing a loud noise, perhaps to run home and indulge in a tasty banana, entertains me greatly.

That said, it may be cruel and pointless and maybe not a good idea in practice. But as I can't hear the noise myself probably anymore and won't be needing to use the device, I am not as interested in the practicality of it just yet.

The panic of my small mind

I experienced 3 tiny earthquakes in a row before leaving the house today. Here's the map with all activity up until now. I just need to get used to it, but it does set me on edge. My co-workers laugh at me for my unease, and rightly so, but the primitive part of my brain just wants to run, run away from the place where the earth is not content to lie still. Which brings me to my favorite song this week. Run children, run away! I have the monster at bay!

Deep Tuesday

For your enjoyment, a small essay on why Superman is a terrible hero. I have had the same thoughts in fragment, but I have never put it together so nicely. Give it a read.

Needs more Rammstein

I'm on a rammstein kick right now, so I'm passing the savings on to you.

Rock and Roll

Well, I have felt at least one of the temblors shown here. It's a little disconcerting, because I have an active imagination and I'm imagining a new volcano rising out of the ground there. I hasten to add that historically Nevada has an active earthquake history, and seismologists just think we're heading back into a more active phase, which historically is more normal.

Anyway, to keep it fun, taking bets on what, if any, the eventual cause is discovered to be:

1. Volcano two miles from my house.
2. Giant earthworms digging up from the depths to feast.
3. Robots that nearly wiped out mankind 40,000 years ago are resurfacing to once again wreak havoc.
4. Hell's bowling alley has just started league season (Reno is the bowling capital of the U.S.)
5. Normal small quake activity, nothing to be concerned about. (if you do not enjoy imagineering)
6. Mole men and giant drilling machines.
7. Loose micro-black hole in the Earth's interior.
8. Ancient Sumerian name for Earth is "Krypton"
9. A particularly active trampoline league in Mogul.
10. Glitches in the Matrix.

Speedy Skimming

I have to admit that I skim headline too fast sometimes. For instance:

"Researchers hope to cause and cure Parkinson's disease." reads a lot differently when I slow down and realize that it actually reads:

"Researchers hope to FIND A cause and cure for Parkinson's disease."

Likewise, I finally realized the sign over this donation game at convenience stores actually said:

"Flip a coin and help a blind child"

rather than what I had been reading it as:

"Flip a coin, blind a child"

I will neglect to mention which reading resulted in a higher coin donation.

Dear God

As someone who flies Southwest Airlines (or rather, someone who USED to fly southwest airlines) this story freaks me the hell out.

They were flying 117 planes that the FAA did not consider "Air Worthy?" You know, I used to have this safe feeling flying because I "knew" that the bare minimum in airline service was making sure the planes were inspected for safety. Well, wave goodbye to that feeling and all the assumptions that made it so.

Southwest Airlines, you are dead to me.

No Wii for Me

I'm not sure I want to spend the money on it right now, but it offends my completely american instant gratification sensibilities that I cannot buy a wii right now without paying opportunists much more than the thing is worth. Supplies are still low here in the Reno area, and the nerds have become restless. Reno seems muted now, expectant. Waiting for the sentries on casino roofs to shout "Neeeeerdddddsssss!" as a pale, unwashed mass of proto-humanity floods into the downtown area, hungry for the digital stimulants that only the Japanese wii can provide. There is no physical threat of course, as years of malnutrition and apathy have severely atrophied the muscles not strictly necessary for mouse-clicking, gamepad controlling or masturbation. At best, they could thrash ineffectively, raining rapid, yet barely noticeable cotton-soft blows on unsuspecting pedestrians before tiring quickly and looking around for a bean bag chair. The only remote danger persisting in the possibility that one of their heavier brethren might trip and fall on top of children or the elderly.

No, their menace stems not from the Newtonian mechanics of their violence, but purely from their smell. Oh lord the smell that precedes the unwashed horde as the vanguard of their assault. Years of basement living and cheetoh snacking have left them with an orange, moldy crust, the scent of which can drop a mountain lion at 50 yards. It is this that causes the masses to flee at the approach of this frenetic mass of faintly luminescent and completely odiferous nerdality.

So tread lightly and carry nose-plugs should you be brave enough to venture to The Reno. For there are no wiis here.

There are no wiis here.

God help us all.

A box of nothing

Wishing myself a very metal birthday.

Shocking Internet Discoveries

You know, I was thinking of how you can just find almost any video you can think of and tried an experiment. As it turns out, youtube does indeed have any video you can think of. Here's the first part.

John the Revelator

One of my favorite Depeche Mode songs set to a strange video. This isn't the official video from the band, someone else made it. Kinda creepy, but I like it.

In which I conspiritize

So, did you all hear about the hundreds of people who reportedly saw a giant UFO in Texas? I found the story interesting because of how many people reported seeing it and how the air force denied it had anything going on in the area. People described it as a huge thing, "bigger than a walmart" that was rapidly changing speeds. Now the Air Force is saying that, oops, we did have fighter jets in the area and that's probably what everyone saw. However, several of the witnesses know the difference between fighter jets and . . . other things and claim that they are sure that jets are not what they saw.

I guess the only reason I'm commenting on this is that this is the first UFO story that I actually think could be stranger than air force training exercises or media hype. It surprises me a little that I so quickly bought into this story (granted the governments response seems almost designed to provoke suspicion) because rationally I don't really think aliens would be visiting this planet nor do I think the air force is secretly advanced enough to have sci-fi space ships. However, it is probably true that I WANT either of those possibilities to be true.

In any case, it leaves me with a lingering question: What the hell were aliens/air force experiments doing coasting over texas? Looking for a souvenir store where they could buy a ten-gallon hat?

bonus Lily Allen

The song that introduced me to her music (by way of Australia)

Unsurprising

Those who know me well will be unsurprised to learn that I am playing this song to death now. It's so oddly cheerful and catchy I can't stop playing it. So I pass the demon on to you as a curative for me.

You're welcome.

Unprepared

So it ended up Christmas eve that I needed tortillas. Apparently. So I went out hunting at about 10pm, hoping something was still open. Nothing was, of course, and the convenience stores don't carry tortillas so I ended up out of luck. Which was okay in the end, but what's funny to me about the whole thing is how many OTHER people there were floating around looking for open grocery stores as well. In the time it would take me to drive into a grocery store parking lot and determine if it was open or not, 4 or 5 other cars would do the same. At EVERY store I tried, there were 4 or 5 other people doing the same thing. There wasn't much traffic on the road and I like to imagine that the only people out that night were a legion of poor planners, still hoping to find a store magically open for them in some sort of Christmas Miracle.

WoW Navel Gazing

My latest thought about Wow over the weekend was: "World of Warcraft is where people go to hide from the rest of the world." I think this is largely true*. In World of Warcraft you can feel useful and do things to help people and feel popular, regardless of how shitty your life is going. Because in an online game, when I help someone with a quest that they can't do alone, I feel like I'm contributing and useful even though the thing I'm actually helping someone with has no real value. But still, I feel like I've helped, and they feel happy to have been helped and that I think acts as an emotional salve if you don't feel like you contribute much or are helped much in the real world. Of course, this is only true in an MMOG where the person in question is real and breathing behind another computer somewhere else and not an NPC. None of this is really to chastise the people to play, but only really to admit to myself why I play the game and why I think other people do as well. It's largely because my life IS kind of shitty at the moment, and WoW is the place I escape to while I wait for some things to play out or (worse) when I can't make the hard decisions I need to and so avoid them.

Of course, the positive aspect of this, is that I am playing with real people. Usually your encounters with players are friendly, but shallow and brief. You might chat a little amiably, but mostly it's strategy and game-play focused. But, in the last month or so (after like 2 years of playing this game) I have formed a genuine friendship with two guys who live in Australia.

In Reno, I have completely failed to find local friends I can hang out with a few nights a week. While the co-authors of this blog are my dearest friends (at least from my perspective), I only catch up with a couple of you every few months, one of you weekly, and the other about twice a week. Of course, if we were all in the same town, I have no doubt we would see each other more often. Maybe only once a week as marriages and now children allow, but it would happen. Of course, life being life, we don't live in the same town, we are spread out all over the western U.S. and while we still keep in contact, we all have formed local networks of friends that we can count on and hang out with. That is, except for me. Now I hasten to add that I'm not going for a big pity party here. I'm just in full-on navel gazing mode and I'm trying to analyze why my life is the way it is and what I'm going to do about it. Also let me hasten to add that I do have some friends locally (and this sentence is for them if they have pierced the anonymous veil around this blog) and while I do honestly like each and every one of them, I don't really interact them much outside of work. But I've discovered that part of what I need to not go crazy is local friends that I can hang out with weekly, few times a week whatever. Go out and eat dinner, watch a movie, play guitar hero, whatever, and I just don't have that.

What I DO have right now, is two friends from Australia that I play WoW with nightly. We don't live quite close enough to go out and watch movies together, but we talk about life, and play and have fun, and have even exchanged emails and real names so we know who we are in real life. And right now, that's freaking GREAT for me and makes WoW a good thing. Because while it's still a place I go to hide from the world, at least now I'm hiding WITH friends. And for a guy that's been hiding away in his house for years while Reno ate his soul, it's fucking FANTASTIC.


*The other main reason I would say people play this game a lot, nightly, whatever, is that it is designed to be addictive to certain personalities (i.e. mine) and is pretty much comparable to those experiments psychologists used to do on mice to keep them pressing a certain lever for tiny rewards over and over and over and over. In that sense, I think that games like World of Warcraft are directly comparable to Slot machines. They are both designed to exploit psychological reactions using a system of carrots and sticks to keep us playing and playing, no matter how much time or money it ends up devouring. This is an idea I am still coming to terms with.

Second Video of the Day

One of my favorite Robbie Williams songs. The video is crazy though. I think Robbie has a very dry sense of humor. Once I understood what the joke was though, I couldn't stop laughing.

Videos of the Day

It occurred to me that instead of describing funny Robbie Williams videos, I can just link them. Here's the one where he portrays himself as the leader of a cult. Guaranteed to make you smile.

Saving the best for last

That last song on the new TMBG album (The Mesopotamians) is great. I loves it. Watch so that you might loves it too.

And while I'm at it

Here's the middle song from the newest TMBG album. There's one more coming, the last song, and it's probably the best, but I'm trying to get some word of mouth going. Or something. In any case, it won't be posted until later when you've had a chance to digest properly. Actually, this video fits nicely with the one just below it as it is anti-establishment in nature, albeit in a "light-hearted romp through authoritarianism" kind of way.

Thursday night video

Hi all,

This is the first song off of the new TMBG album. I like it, but you can disagree in comments if you like.

Parking Brake!

Parking Brake!
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

This is what I walked out to this morning. Apparently my parking brake has seen better days. What's funny, is that this happened last night when I left the car in idle in drive-way without parking brake at all. So I parked it in driveway again, this time sure to use the parking break. And then walk out to this, this morning.

Wheeee.

Quote of the Day

"I don't want to say that I'm special . . . but I'm a bit special? Do you know what I mean?" -- Robbie Williams in "She's Madonna" music video

What I did this Week

Monday: Did not eat Beans, tomatoes, cucumbers, nuts or seeds.

Tuesday: Drank clear liquids all day. Starting at 5:00, drank god-awful salt-water mixture in tall glass every ten minutes for 3 hours. Imitated some sort of hideous human water rocket rest of evening.

Wednesday: Let's just say there is now photographic evidence of what the inside of my stomach and bowels looks like. I won't go into detail about the process (largely because they gave me a drug that made me forget it), but think Japanese tentacle sex.

Thursday: No problems detected, recommence solid food intake.

Friday: To Be Determined.

Good times.

Minmei fan club

This will make no sense to you if you don't know what Robotech is and/or find the cartoon unwatchable.

Why the hell does Minmei only have 3 crappy songs in her repetoire? It's maddening.

Our collective brain

What the hell am I going to do if the internet ever goes away? I had a random thought just now wondering if there was any video of the hindenburg disaster, considering I had only seen stills or very short clips up until this point. It took me under a minute to find the original film, complete with commentary. How crazy is that? I pulled random information from our collective digital memory and experienced it in under 3 minutes. Are there any negative consequences to our thinking patterns as a result of this? For instance, the urge to memorize certain categories of information? Why bother, when I can pull it up in under a minute?

Digression: The reporter was interesting. He struggles to remain professional and ends up breaking down as it happens in front of him. He came across as a human being, who is a reporter, reacting honestly to a tragedy. Conversely, modern talking heads on TV come across as reporters/anchors, who imitate human life, reacting eagerly with ghoulish hunger to a tragedy. Homework: What is bullshit about this perceived dichotomy?

Returning to main point: What the fuck are we going to do when we can't google text and video knowledge anymore? I predict rioting in the streets.

Musical Fixations

My new favorite band. You may enjoy or dislike them as you see appropriate. You may or may not have to get over the fact that their band name is the ditty bops.

scattered and streaming

I don't do a lot of things to edify myself.

The first mention of self-edification I recall came through my religious education in my pre-teen years. Various authority figures asserted, in writing or verbally, that studying the Bible every day was the preferred and approved method of edifying myself [Edify: To instruct or improve, especially in moral or religious knowledge]. Of course, reading the definition as an emphasis on religious self-improvement, there's nothing wrong with that assertion. If my religion is indeed Christianity, then reading the the Bible is the best way of improving myself spiritually.

But let's not get hung up on that word. I usually take it to mean "general improvement of self in knowledge or character", which is suppose is my own murky, but similar definition. In any case, assume that's what I mean by edify.

In any case, I never really bought the assertion presented. In essence, I cannot now, and could not then, understand how delving deeper into religious abstraction made me a better person. True, by pursuing a daily ritual of study of the Bible and reflective thinking I would form habits of discipline and careful thought, but couldn't I do that by reading and thinking on many other non-religious philosophical, scientific and other-wise instructive tomes? It seemed that the hidden assumption there was that by studying the Bible, God was going to magically align my thinking into clearer and deeper patterns, whereas he would refuse to do so should I decide to study works of a secular nature. And so I rejected the idea that the Bible was the thing I needed to study in order to edify myself. I could edify myself just fine on my own thank you.

But let's not get hung up on whether studying the Bible is really, truly self-improvement. The funny thing here, is that while I was averse to Biblical study to improve myself, it turns out I was also averse to almost ANY OTHER FORM of self-improvement.

Why? Starting mid-way through college, I finally had some money and a lack of parental oversight and could finally start supplying myself with all the things I had been forbidden or could not afford as a child. Namely video games and comics. Now, I am not blaming video games and comics for anything per se, I will continue to enjoy them greatly in the future. What I am saying is this: Using video games, comic books and movies as my only focus outside of work and friends has not strengthened me in mind or body. Again, it's not that these things are bad, or should be discarded, but I focused on them to the exclusion of everything else. I have spent 11 or so years viewing work as "that thing I have to do until I can go back to playing games or reading comics." It's true, the other 3 contributers to this blog enjoy those things as well, but while they would play games and read comics, they were also teaching themselves to program, editing and writing for the school newspaper, and playing in bands. And while they were doing that, I was playing through starcraft again, wondering why I was so inept socially and had such a hard time meeting girls.

My sleep doctor would tell me that I've probably had apnea since I gained weight in college, and because of that have not had a decent nights sleep since college which has led to scattered, ADD type thinking patterns which lend themselves naturally to video games and comic books. Actually, he did kind of argue that with me a little bit. And there may be something to the fact that these revelations are starting to sink in after I've been on a breathing machine that enables me to have R.E.M sleep again. But I don't think my lack of self-edification can entirely be the result of outside forces. In other words, choices were made in regards to how and when to improve myself.

Please understand, this is not intended to be some sort of angst-ridden confession. It's just that I look back at the last decade or so, and I realize I've done very, very little to edify myself. Yes, I got my Bachelor of Science, and then my Master's degree. Yes, I have a great job where I am appreciated. But I think I could have done all of them much more rigorously and impressively. If you'll pardon the massive white-boy ego, I am looking back on the last decade of my life and realizing I have fallen far short of what I believe I am capable of. It feels like I have put 90% of my energies into memorizing the changing dynamics of the X-men over 400 issues (and other similar projects) and about 10% of my energies into my school, work and learning new fun and/or useful skills. And that disturbs me. So I'm thinking that with my thinking patterns emerging from the no-sleep cocoon, I should probably re-consider how I spend my time. Not to cut the things I like out, just maybe to put them in their proper proportion.

What I've also realized, is that as interactive as a video game is, it's not really a creative outlet. And due to all the other crap going on with my life now, I'm starting to realize I need to really develop a creative outlet. One of the edifying things I wanted to do over the last ten years, but never did of course, is write. So for now, I'm going to start by doing more of that. Not that it needs to be good, just that I want to do it. The most perverse consequence of this re-awakened ambition has been the urge to write poetry. Really, godawful poetry similar in nature and design to those that I used to torture others with in high school. I probably won't be torturing the blog with it, but should it appear, now you know why.

On a related note

I love this post by Arthur Silber. It might be a little much for some of you, but I whole-heartedly agree with it. Nothing in this country will change until we start pissing off people who have gotten entirely too comfortable.

My very own spawn.

I've been trying to figure out how to write this announcement in such a way that you all could share in the wonder and awe that I feel. Or is that icy terror? Hard to tell. . .

It's true: my wife is playing host to my parasitic spawn. I'll post some photos when the opportunity arises, but for now I will simply declare that I have known my wife and sired a daughter. We expect her to make an appearance in late February.

So in addition to the cradle, changing table and other furniture necessities, I will also be investing in firearms, security cameras, and robotic canine escorts capable of humane castration in 0.75 seconds.

--Hazmatt out--

Stop dying

I'm a few days behind on this but I just found out Robert Jordan died. My reactions to this are:

Crap, I needed closure on that series.

And, with a touch more humanity:

Crap, an author I liked just died. This is a sad thing.

It's not a fitting eulogy to a guy who was by all accounts very nice but:

Crap, this sucks.

It's incredibly unfair that we don't get to be immortal.

Office View

Office View
Originally uploaded by hbot3000

This is the view from my office. Today I set up the webcam monitor on one of my desktops. It's kind of funny that as much as I have a view now, I hardly ever look outside. Hopefully the webcam monitor will encourage me to change that.

The Dark Lord of the Bedroom

Tuesday night I was wired to a circuit board in a manner somewhat reminiscent of the matrix. I was then asked to fall asleep, which did not go as planned. 3 blissful, wired-to-15-instruments hours later I guess I finally did, although I don't think I slept very well, for reasons that were difficult to fathom.

2 days later they informed me that the results of the test indicate that I have mild to moderate sleep apnea, which is not a problem in the short run, but possibly leads to bigger health problems long term. They casually mentioned that if I WANTED they'd be happy to remove my uvula, tonsils and assorted unnecessary fleshy bits at the back of my throat. I decided to forego that option in favor of positive pressure air masks favored by sith lords and bounty hunters alike. But other than questionable bedtime machinery, I am fine.

Apart, that is, from a nagging suspicion that I was programmed with a secret objective by whatever agency uses the sleep clinic as a front. I keep trying to find my trigger phrase.

"Apocalypse cow!"

"The Blind Pig Flies North."

etc.

I should probably stop.

How I learned I was undead

Soooo, after many complaints of my loud, heard-from-several-rooms-away snoring on vacation this summer, and talking about these and other symptoms with my physician, I went to a sleep clinic. The nice doctor palpitated the fleshy outsides of my throat and took a peak at the topside of my airway and declared "You have a small throat!" After a brief discussion on how that affects my worth as a man (a conversation which was entirely imaginary), she told me I probably have sleep apnea (which was not imaginary). I don't think this is a big deal, it's generally not a serious condition, but now I have to go do a sleep test this coming Tuesday night. As far as I can tell this involves being wired up to 50 machines and then asked to sleep. so, you know, fun.

My only concern is that it's being run by a cult and I'll wake up the next morning brain-washed. "Why yes, I do worship a highly evolved form of the color purple, why do you ask?"

In any case, I do not look forward to sleeping with a breathing mask. Although I suppose it does have darth vader appeal.

"LUKE! I am your pillow!"

Herbie the love civic

So my Honda died and had to be towed to the shop the other day. Two otherwise rational people have now told me it was because I was openly discussing selling the car in front of it. Am I crazy for arguing that the car is, in fact, inanimate? I mean, I understand the urge to anthropomorphize the hell out of everything I use in daily life, but I draw the line at giving people crap for discussing certain things in front of in-organic objects for fear the object might take offense. I'm sorry, that's just how I roll.

Hirsute Kiln-boy

So last night, I was busting through harry potter and the deadly marshmallows, in the final legs, ready to finish the book and devour it's secrets when I hit page 610. Now, there was nothing in particular wrong with page 610. In fact, it was a rather exciting moment in the book. It's just that it was followed by page 643 all the way up to where 643 should have been, at which point page 643 started all over again. So . . . huh . . . how irritating.

No worries though, I have a second copy for the girlfriend! I'll just go read that one. Oh, huh. It seems it suffers from the exact same flaw. Oh good. So anyway, I will be journeying to the book store tonight to buy two more copies. Wish me luck.

What are the odds I can sell two flawed books from the first printing to a collector someday?

Bumper Sticker of the Day

"Ask me if I give a shit!" which was pasted just below a christian fish symbol on a modest sedan.

Aqua-tappa tappa tappa

Pepsi admits today that the water in aquafina is just tap water. So is Dasani which is bottled by Coke. I have a mostly-full box of Aquafina sitting at home. I am paying for the privilege of having someone bottle the water from my sink for me.

God I feel stupid.

Phone Fuckery

I hate my phone. This is the second LG Chocolate that has died on me. I went to check it in the middle of winco only to find that my cell phone is now displaying the white screen of death again. And this is a completely different phone than last time. On the bright side, the phone isn't actually dead. I can still receive and make calls. It's just that the screen is completely useless now. And this is after treating this phone pretty well. Hadn't dropped it, spilled water on it, or sat on large, powerful magnets. I have no idea whether my warranty is still good, but, if so, I am sure that Verizon, in their infinite benevolence, will bless me with yet another shitty plastic phone.

In closing:

LG Chocolate phone, I fucking hate you.

Anonymous Rex

My first name is unique enough that typing it and only it into google yields a hit with my full name on the first page of results. This is pretty much the entire reason I try to have an anonymous web identity. Really, in the interests of being able to speak one's mind to the fullest extent, is there any good reason to use your real identity on a web site?

Back in Tack

Pardon my lack of posting. I was busy for a few weeks and then I spent a whole week minus the internet in Montana. Which wasn't as painful as I thought (being bereft of internet I mean), but I still had the occasional impulse to look something up and found myself needing some google. If I really needed to know something I could drive 20 minutes into Great Falls and use the library. What's funny about that is that I wouldn't be going to the library to look up the information in a book, I would be going to use the free wireless internet to google as I like to do. Which makes me laugh for some reason.

Also, if you have long hair (in a pony tail) and are a man in Montana your automatic nick-name is "Willie Nelson" or "California". So, yeah.

Tales to WoW you, part 4

I see by the comment two posts down that I still have people who read this blog. This is a situation that must be rectified. Therefore, I am excited to unveil part 4 in our ongoing series, "Tales to WoW you". Yes, World of Warcraft fan fiction at it's absolute worst. You will read it and wish you hadn't. Now that I've intrigued you,

Narrator: Our heroes lie, in pieces, amidst pools of blood and murloc drool. They appear to be dead. Again.

Karibou: Well, you've killed me again Gul.

Gulveris: What do you mean "again"? We died from the plague the first time remember?

Karibou: . . . Gul, do you remember what happened the day we died?

Gulveris: Well, let me think. In the morning I believe I bought some cheap bread from the new baker in town. For lunch I made us sandwiches with said bread and I believe by late afternoon we, along with the rest of the town, had been infected with the undead plague and subsequently died. What part of that was my fault? The only thing I'm guilty of is making your last meal a tasty one.

Karibou: No.

Gulveris: What do you mean "no"? That's EXACTLY what happened.

Karibou: No, Gul, it is ALMOST what happened. What actually happened was a little more interesting. Do you remember what the new baker looked like that day?

Gulveris: Um . . . I think so. Pale guy, black cloak, hood, smelled bad.

Karibou: Uh huh, uh huh. I thought so. Tell me, did the bread he sold you look, in any way, fresh?

Gulveris: Well, it had a bit of mold, but you couldn't beat the price!

Karibou: No. No Gul, that was not "just mold". You bought infected bread from the undead scourge, and we ate it for lunch. THAT is how you killed me the first time.

Gulveris: Well, hey, I'm sorry for not being perfect Mr. "I know so much about everything", excuse me for not noticing the thing that no one else in town noticed. If you'll recall, they all died of the plague too.

Karibou: Again Gul, close but not quite. Do you recall seeing any notices that day on your way to buy bread?

Gulveris: Um, the only one I noticed said "For a good time, find Gronkelina."

Karibou: Well, my good friend Gulveris, if you had happened to read the notice just next to that one you would have seen one that said "Beware shady bread vendors selling scourge infected bread." As it happens, the rest of the town DID see that notice and thus were not infected by the scourge.

Gulveris: Well, how did they die then smartass?

Karibou: Do you remember what happened after we died?

Gulveris: If I recall correctly we un-died later that night.

Karibou: Do you remember what we did then?

Gulveris: Well, I dimly recall being hungry.

Karibou: Gul, you dimly recall everything. But let me refresh your memory. We were not just hungry, we were RAVENOUS. And do you remember what we were ravenous for?

Gulveris: Cake?

Karibou: No! No Gul! We were hungry for Brains! Brains! Which is why, undead zombie Gulveris, we went from house to house that night and killed everyone else in town, eating their brains.

Gulveris: So what you're saying is, I killed you by feeding you infected grain and then both of us became undead and killed the rest of the town?

Karibou: Yes, Gul. That is what I'm saying. Hence, this is the second time you killed me.

Gulveris: Fine, I get it. But you didn't have to be such a dick about it.

Karibou: My dear friend Gulveris. Please forgive me for causing you any emotional incovenience as I lie here, dead, in a pool of blood and murloc drool.

Gulveris: Aw, Karibou, you know I can't stay mad at you. Besides, I understand how dying for the second time must be stressing you out. Which brings up an interesting point. How are you stressed about anything at all? I thought we were dead?

Karibou: You know, Gul, that IS interesting.

Narrator: NO! It isn't! But join us next time as our dead undead heroes explore this and other equally tepid topics in "Murder-squared: For the love of the Light, why can't I die?" We guarantee you'll be wondering the same thing! See you next time, in TALES to WOW YOU!

Tales to WoW you, part 3

. . .in which my World of Warcraft fan fiction almost kills you.

In order to get myself back into blogging, I have decided to finish some of the WoW stories that I had in my head when Eric and I were playing. In addition to getting my blogging groove back, I expect to drive the remaining portion of my readers screaming into the twisting nether with my god-awful prose, thus making them able to find this blog afresh later on, as we both start anew.

With that, read on! If you can stomach it . . . and be warned, I don't feel like spell-checking today (you know, I think I have a future in public relations). Also, I'm not sure, but in my mind undead swear as much as possible, so apologies for that.

When we last left Gulveris and Karibou, Gulveris had wandered off to Undercity to find his destiny leaving Karibou to fight the denizens of Tirisfal Glades alone.

(SCENE: Karibou fights a battle against two hideous murlocs in northern portion of Tirisfal Glades.)

The Sounds of Battle: CLANG! SMASH! Mrggrggglrlgle (that was a murloc) THUNK! SLICE! POW! (Adam West was riding by) CLANG! . . . . BOOOOOOOOOM!

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: Hey, Karibou! Looks like I arrived in the nick of time!

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: (Looking Confused, which is difficult when your jaw has almost fallen off) What?

Karibou: . . . What . . . (spits out murloc foot) . . . the fuck . . . (removes murloc eye from his own eye socket) . . . was that!

Gulveris: Oh, you mean the method of your deliverance from those rotten little savages? Well, I'm glad you asked, it was (rummages in back-pack and soon hefts a red stick) Dynamite! Cool, huh?

Karibou: Gul, right now I'm tasting murloc toe-jam, I am nearly deaf from the explosion (and possibly the murloc spleen lodged in my ear) and I have, if I am not mistaken, a fucking fish femur sticking through what's left of my lower intestine.

Gulveris: You know, a little gratitude would be nice. (Begins to perform first aid while casually picking murloc remains off of his friend).

Karibou: (with a hint of sarcasm) Yes, thank you Gulveris, if it hadn't been for you I might have easily killed two murlocs without draping myself with their entrails.

Gulveris: (Finishes bandaging Karibou) There, that should keep you together until the Apothecary can look at you.

Karibou: . . . Gul, you packed murloc intestine in with my personal intestines.

Gulveris: Well, you shouldn't have left yours hanging out like that then!

Karibou: (Irritated) I . . . Didn't!

Gulveris: Oh, you'll get over it. What, are you worried it will get infected? Anyway, enough of your bitching and moaning, guess what I did in Undercity?

Karibou: Well, you either explored your necro-sexuality in ways I don't want to hear about or you learned to make dynamite.

Gulveris: (Laughing) Silly, Karibou, why can't it be both! In any case, you are looking at the newest member of the Undercity Engineering Guild! Look how much dynamite I made! (hefts back-pack crammed with explosives towards Karibou)

Karibou: (Steps quickly back) Congratulations, you have managed to complete number 32 on my list of "Ways Gulveris is Likely to Get me Killed" just under "Pushed into Lava" and just over "Trampled by Kodo".

Gulveris: Oh stop it. These things are perfectly safe (starts tossing a stick of dynamite lightly into the air). A sizable majority of my graduating class managed to do so with their limbs intact.

Karibou: Fine! Fine. I'll take your word for it. You know, your natural inclination to get me killed aside, your massive bag of explosives has great potential. Let's blow something up.

Gulveris: (Grinning) I thought you'd never ask! Look at that rabbit!

BOOOOM!

Karibou: (Clapping excitedly) Ooh, that was fun. Now me!

Gulveris: (tossing stick to Karibou) Sure, here you go!

Karibou: (Briefly glaring at Gulveris for tossing high explosive at him. Then trying to light the dynamite) Hey, how do I light this thing? Why can't I ignite the fuse?

Gulveris: (Looking embarrassed) Ah, I forgot. Let me see it? (retrieves dynamite) I'm afraid you won't be able to use this dynamite because you're not an engineer.

Karibou: What do you mean? It's just light and throw right?

Gulveris: (looking smug) Oh, I'm afraid it's much more complicated than that.

Karibou: (looking increasingly irritated) What the fuck is so complicated about "light and throw"!

Gulveris: (thinking hard, then condescendingly) Well, there are many aspects to it that a non-engineer just isn't likely to grasp.

Karibou: Like what?! (Making exasperated motions with hands) You just light and throw! Light and throw!

Gulveris: Well, for one thing an engineer would know to keep his calm around a large satchel full of dynamite. Oh, you know what! I totally forgot, I learned a new recipe just before I left! (Rummages in satchel and comes up with a pink stick of dynamite painted with flowers and puppies and a plastic cap on top) Here, try this one!

Karibou: (Looking at the stick skeptically) What the hell is that?

Gulveris: You my friend are looking at "EZ-throw" dynamite. Fun for engineers and non-engineers alike!

Karibou: So what, I can only use the kiddie dynamite? How freaking insulting is that? And why did you paint it pink! What, am I 12?

Gulveris: Well, if you were 12 you would be substantially more grateful about receiving high explosives I think.

Karibou: I'm not 12!

Gulveris: I thought you'd like it!

Karibou: Gul, pink dynamite painted with flowers and puppies will NOT strike fear into the hearts of my enemies!

Gulveris: You know I think you're just cranky because you stink like murloc intestine.

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: (realizing the situation is going downhill) Wait, look how easy it is! (Pops plastic cap off of EZ-throw dynamite and tosses backwards down to the beach).

In the distance: BOOOOOM! Mrglglgrlelglelrle! (Both turn to look at the pack of furious murlocs racing up the hill towards them)

Karibou: Number 23.

Gulveris: "Killed by a pack of furious murlocs?"

Karibou: Yup.

Gulveris: You know me too well.

Karibou: (Pulls out his sword) To know you is to hate you.

Gulveris: Aw quit yer bitchin', I have a plan.

Karibou: Me too.

Gulveris: Mine's better. You charge and hold them off while I destroy them with dynamite.

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: What?

Mrlglggggrlgrlgl!

(to be continued . . .)

Follow-up on Catch Scratch.

I later recovered from my cat bite.

Thanks to "Busty Karen takes it 3 ways" for caring enough to leave a comment.

cat scratch fever

My wonderful, friendly cat Minino gave me four bloody puncture wounds and a trip to the ER this week.

I am used to pushing his nosy little head out of the way all the time, usually to keep his head from being crushed by the refrigerator/sliding/front door. He usually is okay with that. However, Tuesday night he was trying to kill a stray cat through the sliding glass door and I made a crucial error. I opened the sliding glass door to hiss through the screen to scare the other cat away. Having done that, I was trying to close the sliding glass door again. So, in my bare feet, I do my usual shove-cat-aside -with-foot maneuver and get bit hard for my trouble. Four nice neat puncture wounds just behind the pinky toe on my left foot. If I were a higher class of sentient I would have realized that he was in fight-mode with the outdoor cat and not put my bare foot anywhere near him.

In any case, my patient girlfriend helped me dress the wound and 24-hours later it had swollen and was looking red. So into the ER we go to get anti-biotics. So now I'm limping dramatically everywhere I go and trying not to think about teeth and/or bacteria. Also, I'm supposed to elevate my leg at every opportunity. How to do this at work and retain dignity, I don't know. And all this on top of a $500 car repair, $1000 dollar estimate for cleaning the teeth for both cats (sum, not individual), and x-rays on my wrist, for which I have not been charged yet.

It's not the crappiest week anyone has ever had, but you know.

Okay, last post on this topic

So the other day I was in the guest bathroom, "doing some contemplative work" when the cat noses his way in (the guest bathroom door doesn't latch very well). So he slides into the bathroom, bothers me for about 30 seconds and then wrinkles his nose and races back out of the bathroom. Then, I swear, I see his little paw reaching in from the outside, frantically trying to close the door as if to say "That smell! I'm gonna throw up! Close the door! Close the door!"

And in answer to your as-yet unspoken question: because you deserved to know.

GSA Forevah

Kvc's post reminded me of something Mr. Unwilted put up over on youtube (the Brandon part, not the pooping part. :-). It's the 1992 Gem State Academy Video Yearbook, complete in six parts. Hooray! Here's part one:

Some Pooping some Nudity

I was sent to the below movie by a Mr. Todd Jarnes. I thought several of you would get a kick out of it.

Things you don't want to think about

I make my 53rd triumphant return to the blog with poop stories. Now, I don't plan on getting too graphic, and I typically stay away from this topic for obvious reasons ("hey! Where are you going? Don't you want to hear more about my poop?"), but I have observations about male bathroom behavior that I wish to share. You may stop reading now if you're not interested.

I don't like using public bathrooms. In my dream world, a public bathroom stall would be completely enclosed, floor-to-ceiling, well-ventilated and sound-proof. Alas, public bathrooms do not meet this standard. Which is all to say that I hate using public bathrooms. But I have noticed a few things about the behavior of the people who use them (including myself).

First, there are 4 basic types of strides that men take when they head towards the bathroom door.
1) Confident and Mature. They're going to go in, do their business and get out and not think about it anymore. Obviously the best way to approach life (i.e. as an adult).
2) Overly Casual. They stroll along whistling, happen to notice the bathroom door and open it on a whim. They wouldn't normally go into such a place you understand, and it certainly wasn't imperative that they head there, but they'll go in and check it out. This is generally my category. They're trying to be an adult but clearly a little too conscious of the whole event.
3) Slinking. On some level, this person is embarrassed about going to the bathroom and slinks as close to the wall as they can on their way to the bathroom door. Because, you know, no one can see them that way.
4) Power walking. Most people do this walk from time to time. It's an emergency and you can't walk normally because it's all you can do to contain it until you get to the toilet and hope to god you don't run into anyone in the hallway.

As for how people act in the bathroom, let me just say that the funniest thing I hear while I'm in there is people talking to themselves while they do their business. Whether it's the incoherent mumbling I hear from the guy at the urinal or the loud "Oh GOD DAMNIT!" as someone goes through a rough patch in the stall next to me, it's all I can do not to giggle nervously.

As for the walk away from the bathroom, the first 3 strides all still apply. But to that, we must add:
5) the Big Boy. This is when a guy comes out of the bathroom with a certain jauntiness and/or swagger. You're not sure what he did in there, but by God is he proud of it. I also have to stop myself from laughing when I see this one. A variation of this is just a look of simple relief. It was a trying time, but now it is over and there are rainbows and butterflies everywhere.

I don't know why, but I've had this particular post bouncing around my head for months now. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write it, but you may rest easy knowing it has been catharsis for me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to walk down the hallway in an overly casual manner.

Half-Remembered Quote of the Day

"Why should I have to change all of the clocks in my house just because farmers can't wake up at 4am unless you tell them it's 5?" -- Stephen Colbert (more of a half-remembered paraphrase, but you get the idea)

Enter Zatanna!

Enter Zatanna!
Originally uploaded by hbot3000.

It was my Birthday last Sunday, and I was far, far too lazy to post about it. So I'm doing it now. Yay me.

Also, I'm going to need this song (you tube video) sung to me at all future birthdays. Just so you know.

Anyway, that's not really the point of this post. The point is that on my birthday, my lovely girlfriend and I adopted a new cat (as you may have guessed, the one in the picture here). She is very, very sweet. She was left behind by her owners when they moved and then brought in as a stray. She's been locked in a nice room for a few days to get her comfortable with the new house ( and get the existing cat used to the idea of a new cat). We let her into the house at large for a while last night. Minino (existing cat) is a complete coward and hisses at her and runs half the time. But overall their first meeting was surprisingly amicable.

As alluded to in the title, I have named her Zatanna after a Justice League Heroes character we both like. I feel good about it.

M.I.

I’m very down today that Molly Ivins died. From jan. 5 of this year:

What happened to the nation that never tortured? The nation that wasn't supposed to start wars of choice? The nation that respected human rights and life? A nation that from the beginning was against tyranny? Where have we gone? How did we let these people take us there? How did we let them fool us?

It's a monstrous idea to put people in prison and keep them there. Since 1215, civil authorities have been obligated to tell people with what they are charged if they're arrested. This administration has done away with rights first enshrined in the Magna Carta nearly 800 years ago, and we've let them do it.

She had a way to speak the unpopular truth that I admired. I am sad to see her gone.

Rebooting . . .

It’s weird, what was keeping me from blogging was needing to upload those photos. It was some sort of weird mental block. Now that that’s done, blogging will likely resume. This is assuming there is someone besides me still reading this.

Now taking bets on whether you are reading this.

Step 1, Remove the pins and needles . . .

SF-Fog2
Originally uploaded by hbot3000.

Finally, I have uploaded the photos from my trip to San Francisco. This particular one was from my favorite day in the middle of the week where the buildings disappeared into the very low clouds. Click the picture through to flickr in order to see the rest. They were all taken from my cell phone, so the quality isn't that great.

Looking through these again, none are particularly fantastic. The best I had were of the day we saw Al Gore's keynote speech (which was freaking great. contrary to the "common wisdom", he's a great speaker). Unfortunately, those were destroyed when my cell phone died, which brings me to:

The LG Chocolate phone is a piece of shit. I checked the time outside of a book store in SF and when I went to check the time 30 minutes later all I could get was a white screen of death. I had only had it for a month so they just gave me a new one for free, but still. I seriously regret getting into a new 2 year contract with that piece of crap. What's even more irritating about it is they try and get you to join up with their own version of itunes, the selling point of which seems to be that all the music is sold in .wma format and at twice the cost of itunes files. How can I resist that tempting offer? Especially now that the iphone is coming out. Oh how I wants it.

Tangential trajectory

(Strolls down street, whistling non-chalantly.)

(Notices blog, stops suddenly.)

(Looks in around in panic, then dashes down street, ducking around the nearest corner.)

(Peers fearfully around corner.)

(Dogs barking in distance.)

Where was I?

I return triumphantly to the blog with a location update.

I am in San Francisco for the week for a huge conference. Pictures are forthcoming.

So far it’s been nothing but rainy, but that’s been okay. Lupita and I have been having fun. I am, as always, a little freaked out by the sheer mass of humanity around me, but so far have not gone on any psychotic rampages.

I actually like it here a lot, lots of stuff in walking distance and a good metro system. I really like all the rooftop gardens and so forth that I’ve seen. The first thing I noticed on the 10-block walk to the convention center is that apparently the things that people need the most are cell phones and coffee as, on first glance, that’s all that the city seems to offer. I’m just astounded that there’s enough foot traffic to keep a verizon store in business every other block. Also, I count about 9 starbucks just on my walking route. The funniest spot is, of course, where they are literally across the street from one another. I thought that bit in Shrek 2 was hyperbole, but no, apparently not. I know I betray my county rubeness by my amazement at what are apparently common things here, but still.

Also, they have gay people here. Shocking I know, who would have thought in San Francisco? The only reason I mention it is that I think Lupita’s advisor got us a room in a hotel popular with the gay community. I only say this because I’ve seen mostly gay couples there, people looking at gay porn on the computer in the lobby, it’s called “Club Quarters” and is next to “Elephant and Castle” and smells powerfully of semen at times.

Make of that what you will. I have already, however, formed opinions.

Thought for the Day

If I’m such a good driver, why do all the other cars on the road give me such a wide gap when they pass me?

Finale'

Actually, this guy writes very well about the Kerry nonsense. and he’s British. I am ashamed.

Check that

Ugh. It’s worse. What Kerry meant to say (as is in his prepared notes) is that if you don’t grow up and study and try to be smarter, you’ll be as dumb as George Bush. I think my rant below still stands considering republicans are pretending he didn’t mean to say that, but still. This is about the silliest controversy ever.

You cut me deep there Shrek

Oh John Kerry. What to do with him? He gets on TV for saying that a) unless you like suicide bombers, you probably don’t want to join the army and go to Iraq right now and b) Richer and/or more educated kids don’t join the army, that’s for poorer people. And now it’s a shit storm of epic proportions as the media and republicans try to stall The Democrats’ momentum going into the election. And today, John Kerry apologized.

Jesus, grow a pair John. I’m not the biggest Kerry fan, but he should never have apologized. Why? He was exactly correct in a way the Republicans can’t admit. Republicans are trying to say that because soldiers are good and true (we all appreciate their service, this is true) then any criticism of the war must therefore be a criticism of the troops and how dare we. No you stupid fucks, John Kerry was saying you fat, ignorant, draft-dodging pricks in charge of the war just spent 3 years and many, many American and Iraqi lives turning Iraq into place WORSE and more horrifying than it was under Saddam Hussein through sheer, unadulterated hubris and incompetence. And that that’s a disincentive to join the army right now. This is what both the Republicans and the public and the media that supported them have to admit to when they admit John Kerry was right. So John Kerry, will never, ever be right.

Election day can’t come soon enough. That said, I’m very excited about voting the bastards out until I remember the stellar job the democrats have been doing. More options please.

Oh, and CNN? John Kerry isn’t up for election for any office this year. Just FYI.