The thing that strikes me after every one of my existential anxiety episodes is less the fear of dying, which remains, but more dying like this, as the person I am with the life I have. Not to put myself down, per se, but I don't enjoy my life even though I recognize it as the steady accumulation of conscious choices. I'm kind of a loser I think? Which is not to hate myself and not to say that I am somehow intrinsically unworthy of love, but I have no social life. I haven't had a date in a few years, I haven't had sex in eight years, and I have no prospects. After 12 years in Portland I have no close network of friends, no community I value and feel valued by. No greater purpose than to avoid suffering by creating the world's biggest personal space bubble. This is not the ideal I pictured for myself when I was younger. I wanted space from everyone and I got it. What a terrible thing to get what you've always wanted. I just think it would be embarrassing to die having figured this little of life out is all.
A major part of the issue is I have no idea what I want out of life or who I want to be in the world. All I know is I have a deep distaste of american society and kind of general weariness with how selfish and shallow people tend to be. Hard to connect with people with such a sour, disconnected attitude.
So in the interests getting over myself and having some conscious thoughts about what I want, here is a non-exhaustive list of things I would feel bad about not accomplishing or finding before I kick the bucket:
- a community I value where I am valued, a sense of belonging somewhere on this planet
- a sense of purpose
- a successful and meaningful long-term romantic relationship
- learning a second language well enough to read fiction in it
- Learning piano well enough to cover some of my favorite songs (my favorite songs are not complicated)
- a small house/cabin with a porch (requires getting more serious about making money, blech)
- actually getting in shape, just to feel better about being in this body
- making a lot more time for reading
- actually try to write
- actually try to paint
- extended trip to Norway
- finding that pool with the waterfall
- finding a way to exist without this quiet sense of existential panic at all times
