the bucket list

 The thing that strikes me after every one of my existential anxiety episodes is less the fear of dying, which remains, but more dying like this, as the person I am with the life I have. Not to put myself down, per se, but I don't enjoy my life even though I recognize it as the steady accumulation of conscious choices. I'm kind of a loser I think? Which is not to hate myself and not to say that I am somehow intrinsically unworthy of love, but I have no social life. I haven't had a date in a few years, I haven't had sex in eight years, and I have no prospects. After 12 years in Portland I have no close network of friends, no community I value and feel valued by. No greater purpose than to avoid suffering by creating the world's biggest personal space bubble. This is not the ideal I pictured for myself when I was younger. I wanted space from everyone and I got it. What a terrible thing to get what you've always wanted. I just think it would be embarrassing to die having figured this little of life out is all. 

A major part of the issue is I have no idea what I want out of life or who I want to be in the world. All I know is I have a deep distaste of american society and kind of general weariness with how selfish and shallow people tend to be. Hard to connect with people with such a sour, disconnected attitude.

So in the interests getting over myself and having some conscious thoughts about what I want, here is a non-exhaustive list of things I would feel bad about not accomplishing or finding before I kick the bucket:

• a community I value where I am valued, a sense of belonging somewhere on this planet
• a sense of purpose
• a successful and meaningful long-term romantic relationship
• learning a second language well enough to read fiction in it
• Learning piano well enough to cover some of my favorite songs (my favorite songs are not complicated)
• a small house/cabin with a porch (requires getting more serious about making money, blech)
• actually getting in shape, just to feel better about being in this body
• making a lot more time for reading
• actually try to write
• actually try to paint
• extended trip to Norway
• finding that pool with the waterfall
• finding a way to exist without this quiet sense of existential panic at all times

I don't know, I am not living in forever any more than anyone else is. Might be useful to live like I believe that and get out of my own way. It's vaguely embarrassing to admit this basic shit is what my life is missing, but hard to fix a problem I studiously avoid noticing, you know?