Acedic

I learned the word "Acedia" today. The wiki about it is quite instructive: "Acedia is essentially a flight from the world that leads to not caring even that one does not care." Ominously it says it can take it's final expression in suicide, which is a bummer.

I am not suicidal, nor do I think I will ever be as I enjoy suffering a little too much, and I think I care that I don't care, but a flight from the world born out of an apathy for both the good and the bad of it more or less describes my current state. I just don't know where I fit after leaving the church, I don't know who my people are, I, in short, don't know why I get out of bed in the morning. I am that stereotypical actor asking in scene after scene, "what's my motivation here?"

Acedia is described as a cousin to depression, although it is typically described as a more spiritual sickness, typically countered with a spiritual practice of some sort. Both the diagnosis and the solution seem resonant to me, but I have yet to motivate myself to do it. I'm not sure what my spiritual practice is anymore.

Part of the problem is that "spirituality" and "spiritual" are overly broad words with a definition I am still trying to pin down. The plain definition is "of or relating to one's spirit" which really narrows it down oh-so-helpfully. So the root word in dire need of coherence for me is "spirit." What do I mean by that? I'm not sure, but I think mine is a little sick. And it's difficult to talk about, in a world where dogmatic materialists roam the streets, eager to jump down my throat should I be perceived as believing anything too "woo woo." 

Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my critical thinking skills, I believe in reason and evidence. I'm a mother-fucking scientist and you're not, maybe I should mention. Most of the people who try to jump down my throat in defense of science and reason are, themselves, NOT motherfucking scientists, just passionate groupies who have forgotten how much they don't know about the world. But I digress.

But the humanities exist for a reason. There is a portion of human nature that is not fed by and does not function in the service of reason. It is not meant to. We are born with high-powered learning systems that help us process past events and convey their relevance to the current situation in the form of our feelings. Sometimes those feelings get in the way, or lead us astray, but they are generally quite helpful as the sum of all of our experiences with something from birth to the present (more or less). My goal is not to discard them or the body. I am not engaged in a holy crusade of intellectual domination over my animal nature or some clever hack around the body's limitations. Rather, I intend to reach some harmonious accord between my feelings, my body and my intellect. Somewhere in the sum of those things is something I am calling my spirit. Although still, that seems too fuzzy and vague for such an important idea. Still, mine seems sick, even though I find I have a hard time unpacking what "it" even is for you. 

So where should I turn when my spirit is sick? My general impression is that the secular world has no time or respect for even the concept of the human spirit, so I am left with the traditional guardians of spiritual knowledge: organized religion. Shit.

Christianity's out immediately for me, of course. However much it may still contain universal truths, the institutional sicknesses and authoritarian nonsense that pervades much of it still blinds me to the more positive qualities. As a man who tends to love other men, I don't find their current stance on LGBT individuals too welcoming.

Honestly, I'm terrified of getting caught up in another cult of some sort. I'm too skeptical to take anything at face value anymore, but still, my spirit is sick. I am worried about the intellectual concessions I might make in order to feel better. I am worried about embracing cognitive dissonance again.

This is probably a good time to do more reading on this kind of thing, if I'm being honest. Buddhism as a practice appeals to me, of course. I'm not sure I could ever believe in the more supernatural aspects, but what I've experienced of meditation leads me to believe it might actual be a useful exercise.  I guess I'm coming around to the idea that while supernatural beings may not exist (although who I am to say, other than to say I haven't seen any myself), spiritual practice may keep my mind and spirit healthy in the same way that exercise keeps the body healthy. Maybe intellectual/spiritual/physical exercise needs no story stronger than "you will feel better if you do these things." But I know this, and still find myself asking, "but what's my motivation?" This is the point where most people just want to kick me in the ass.

I don't think it would bother me if these supernatural constructs turned out to have some basis in "reality." As in, they are real and intelligent and out there somewhere. Mostly because I think everyone would be surprised at what they were really like. But since I don't have much direct evidence of that at present, I tend to think of them as ideological constructs to orient oneself toward. Even my intolerance of christianity abates a bit when I think of God more as a bundle of ideas and ideals to aspire to (forgiveness/charity/love/etc.) and prayer and weekly church attendance as the humble admission that we are limited beings who need to be reminded frequently of our higher ideals and to support each other in trying to embody them. This could be as true of the humanist as it is of the buddhist as it is of the christian I think. 

I am currently in search of the ideological constructs that I want to orient myself towards.  Whether those take the forms of pre-packaged gods one can find in the currently available pantheons or just some simple concepts expressed in a buddhist practice, I'm not sure yet. Maybe both! Maybe neither.

But I'm still looking. Because my spirit feels sick. Acedic.

Vaporware

I had a few things I wanted to write about today, but they have gone, gone away.
Not today.

This whole week has kind of been a wash.
I've basically checked out for most of it and nobody really seems to have noticed.

I'm kind of in an in-between place in my life right now and I'm still trying to make sense of it.
I've left the fold but not joined another yet.
I am foldless.
Ideologically formless.
Unaccountable and unaccounted for.

More pudding than jello,
more jelly than mellow.

Hoping to figure it out a bit at a time.
Hoping the thoughts that have been circling find a place to land.

This is an update with blank space.