Friday, June 21, 2019
Monday, June 10, 2019
Random thoughts
I want to write today but I can't get my thoughts together. Shall I blame caffeine? Let's blame caffeine.
Wrote down who I want to be in the world vs who I am today. Brutal. Not an exercise in shaming myself, more an exercise in spelling out my dissatisfaction with my life. I am not who I want to be in the world and it makes me grumpy. All my habits of mind and body are unsatisfactory.
Even if I had stories to tell or the ability to write them, I think I'd be terrible at pitching them and selling myself and my work. Probably better to focus on practice at the moment, but still. Confidence low. Still, I should at least try to put the dead horse before the busted cart. For appearances if nothing else.
I think I am old enough to stop going to video game forums. I think that would be good.
I think an exercise I am going to try this week is stopping every hour on the hour to review the choices of the last hour, conscious or no. I think I need to face my choices and the problem is in the choices I make moment to moment, so bringing attention to that can only be good. Punishing, but good.
I have started wearing my running shoes "to break them in" but I am hopeful to actually start running in them in the next week or so. The body is willing but the spirit is "holy shit! what's up. Seriously, what's up?"
Another exercise I'm going to try this week is writing out what my ideal community and/or job looks like. I can't afford therapy and no one's coming to save me so I probably need to figure some of this stuff out.
Relatedly, a thought I had this week along the lines of: no one is coming to save me and the only ones who would are adventists with a poison pill. The poison pill being a not-so-subtle implication in virtually all interactions that my suffering would dissipate if only I would just believe in exactly the same things they believe. Unhelpful. Kind of shit. Worst habit christians have in interacting with the outside world by far. You either believe that the lifestyles and behaviors in line with your beliefs speak for themselves and will compel people to ask you about them or you do not believe that. You can offer pragmatic life advice and assistance without a conversion agenda and it is kind and respectful to do so.
Christians are not the only people guilty of the above behavior, but they are the first and worst in my experience.
Finally time to find additional work and get a roommate. Mixed feelings. Would really, really like to not feel so financially strapped all the time though. Might be good to work that out.
Continue to hope to find friends and dates whose eyes light up when they see me. Well past time to do the work on my end to make that easy.
Wrote down who I want to be in the world vs who I am today. Brutal. Not an exercise in shaming myself, more an exercise in spelling out my dissatisfaction with my life. I am not who I want to be in the world and it makes me grumpy. All my habits of mind and body are unsatisfactory.
Even if I had stories to tell or the ability to write them, I think I'd be terrible at pitching them and selling myself and my work. Probably better to focus on practice at the moment, but still. Confidence low. Still, I should at least try to put the dead horse before the busted cart. For appearances if nothing else.
I think I am old enough to stop going to video game forums. I think that would be good.
I think an exercise I am going to try this week is stopping every hour on the hour to review the choices of the last hour, conscious or no. I think I need to face my choices and the problem is in the choices I make moment to moment, so bringing attention to that can only be good. Punishing, but good.
I have started wearing my running shoes "to break them in" but I am hopeful to actually start running in them in the next week or so. The body is willing but the spirit is "holy shit! what's up. Seriously, what's up?"
Another exercise I'm going to try this week is writing out what my ideal community and/or job looks like. I can't afford therapy and no one's coming to save me so I probably need to figure some of this stuff out.
Relatedly, a thought I had this week along the lines of: no one is coming to save me and the only ones who would are adventists with a poison pill. The poison pill being a not-so-subtle implication in virtually all interactions that my suffering would dissipate if only I would just believe in exactly the same things they believe. Unhelpful. Kind of shit. Worst habit christians have in interacting with the outside world by far. You either believe that the lifestyles and behaviors in line with your beliefs speak for themselves and will compel people to ask you about them or you do not believe that. You can offer pragmatic life advice and assistance without a conversion agenda and it is kind and respectful to do so.
Christians are not the only people guilty of the above behavior, but they are the first and worst in my experience.
Finally time to find additional work and get a roommate. Mixed feelings. Would really, really like to not feel so financially strapped all the time though. Might be good to work that out.
Continue to hope to find friends and dates whose eyes light up when they see me. Well past time to do the work on my end to make that easy.
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