the daily jumble

I have been hesitant to write more, simply because my thinking feels so disorganized lately and I can't imagine it doesn't come through in my writing. I write offline a little more than I used to though. Imagine, thoughts that don't immediately need to be broadcast! Anyway, I may try and write though it, online or off, and I guess this is fair warning? 

Honestly, my particular tragedy, and maybe not that unique, is I have always wanted to write, but am not sure i have every really had anything to say? That is probably the trap, thinking I need to have something IMPORTANT to say. 

I don't know, I started reading Fairy Tale by Stephen King this last week and he mentioned somewhere that during the pandemic he just asked himself what kind of story he wanted to write and that's what came out. I think, that is the correct approach. I just need to write what I would want to read or simply what pleases me and if it's stupid it's stupid. The older I get the bigger the universe feels and the less impressive my ability to grasp any sizable portion of feels anyway. Which is to say, age is slowly teaching me humility in all things, which must surely apply to my writing as well.

One thing at a time

I keep trying to get my thoughts clear enough to post, but clarity of thought has not been a strong suit lately. I have a tendency to process nothing or everything, all at once and it's not an ideal binary to be stuck in. So this week I am allowing myself to ignore ALL the mental alarms going off in favor of dealing with the most urgent, which last week was my sleep schedule.

I woke up at 6pm and after doing some furious air punching and kicking out of frustration over once again letting my sleep schedule get THAT ridiculous, decided that was the most urgent and baseline problem in my life at the moment, and reset it by just staying up. So now, a few days later, i am once again daywalking, huzzah! I am trying to really understand that daywalking is the foundation for all the other changes I need to make. when I wake up in the afternoon it's hard to get my errands done, my exercise in, you know?

Usually, I try to fix all the things all at once and then flame out spectacularly. Get up early AND start exercising AND go on a date AND clean the house, AND sort out everything other problem I've been stuffing under the bed for nearly a decade now. Multi-tasking to this degree is WELL outside my current capabilities, however well-intentioned. 

So this week and last I am allowing myself to just maintain the sleep schedule. That's the job, outside of my actual job which I am also doing. I am stacking rocks with a slow and steady hand, not throwing them all at once hoping they end up neatly stacked. and while I am very much having to resist the urge to still try and do it all at once due to this crazed sort of middle aged "you're going to die! there's no time for this!? fix it, fix it now!" neurosis, for the moment it feels good to just get one little bit of my life kind of under conscious control and just sit with that for a minute. Hopefully that will help me get my thoughts in a bit of order too.