I Sing the Joy of the Night Eternal

 I am excited for the night to fall, because it never ends. It lasts as long as I need to, and when I am ready to sleep i do so, secure in the knowledge that I will arise in 8 hours precisely at sunrise, whether I've gone to bed 4 hours after sunset or after 18 hours of stygian stirrings. 

 That the sun frequently rises at some point during my eternal night is surely a concern. Could we be losing to the daywalkers? Absurd, obscene to even contemplate. The night rules forever. Move some reasonable distance from our star, and what do you find? The infinite dark, punctured by only by the occasional heresy of fusion. Fusion! Appalling.

Nighttime is my own pocket universe of wonders both real and imagined. It stretches or compresses at whim. I control the horizontal and the vertical and the kind of diagonal. It ends when I am ready and no sooner.

"Night falls." Propaganda! Night rises, full in power and promise. Night eats the sun and drinks the sky and it all goes with it when it dies.* The night rules perpetual. The Night time, is the Right time.

I Sing the Night Eternal.

*I am trying to remember the source for this reference but have suddenly developed changnesia.

Nuts to all that

"What parents want, is for their kids to be successful."

It was a polite conversation, not heated at all, although a lifetime of cumulative disappointments seemed to anchor the conversation, attached firmly to the chair I most often see him in now, extending down, down, down into the past, all the way back to my first stubborn defiance. Which, if memory serves, was the time I touched an overly warm oven burner moments after being told not to. It did not go well for me I am told.

My mother was seated in her chair, a few feet to the right. I briefly flashed back to coming out to them, what, 10 years ago now? They were seated in kind of a mirror image now to how they were then. Different house, different sides of the room, same disappointing child.

I didn't have much to say. I'm well aware I'm a disappointment, to myself more than anyone. I'm one of those obnoxious jerks that talks about Smart Kid Syndrome, and how much it sucks to test well and then basically fail out of life, because you aren't always trained to actually function in the world when you test well. As it turns out, testing well does not necessarily mean I am smart enough to adapt and fill in the massive gaps in my education and upbringing. Alas. Maybe they should test for other qualities too.

I mean, it can only be a choice at this point. I have been rejecting the world and my place in it since the world was adventism and my place in it was believing without question, proclaiming the good word so that others might believe without question, getting married to a woman, fathering 1.5 children, being the manful head of my household, being active in the church, and living a quiet life of desperation. And then once the adventist education cannon primed me, aimed me at the world and missed by a wide margin, I just kept rejecting the world out of habit. In my defense, while men loving men and the occasional drink aren't necessarily a recipe for instant and eternal unhappiness and separation from any sense of spiritual fulfillment (in fact, the first time I had sex with a man I felt like a choir of angels descended from heaven on a beam of light, just as counterpoint), the "secular" world turns out to suck shit in a wide of variety of exciting ways too. Nuts to all of it, in my humble opinion.

Trying to live your own life, even as it strays outside the bounds of parental expectations is the eternal struggle, of course. I am not special or unusual in that regard. Nor is rejecting society (Maaaan, I threw it the ground!). I'm not interested in acquiring wealth for the sake of wealth, although who wouldn't want to not worry about money really? My sole aspiration with regard to money is not to worry about money. I just don't want to think about it. I want companionship, but I'm kind of misanthropic. A lot of the norms and models of the communities around me irritate my delicate sensibilities on contact. None of it makes me special or unusual or even interesting, just grumpy.

It's childish. I know that. I want to live my life, but not the way anyone else lives their life. Out of a perverse desire to be special or a stubborn refusal to be happy on the world's terms. This planet is twisted and to be happy here feels perverse. Genuinely deviant shit, thriving in this hellhole. It feels like an attitude I should have grown out of as a teenager, but, as a matter of personal failure and pride, did not.

The explicit failure here, as I am quick to point out about other people on Twitter, is the failure of imagination in finding alternatives. I reject fundamentalist christianity and exploitative, miserable, violent, oppressive, selfish, and mean-fucking-spirited american capitalism but I have yet to exercise even the smallest amount of imagination in how to transcend those contexts. Or at least to live within them without immediately collapsing in depression and defeat. As survival strategies go, it's been less than ideal.

I do want SOMETHING. I want a community I feel like I belong to, a purpose that makes sense to me, egalitarian companionship with natural chemistry. Some sort of spiritually fulfilling practice, three words I have yet to fully define. I want some time in nature. I want cities designed for people. I want a fair, just and humanist society. I have no idea how to resolve those ideas into coherent concepts in my current context, but I do want them. That I make no effort to provide clarity for myself will probably be reason #1 the white light shoots me back to reincarnate with a heavy sigh.

I wish I could tell my father than I want to be successful too. I wish I could tell him I knew what that looks like. In the meantime, I'll have to sate myself with my usual fantasies of being abducted by aliens and placed in a zoo. Like any functioning adult would.

Lock-down Report

I wish I could report my life has changed dramatically since the pandemic. Alas, I cannot. I still see basically no one, I still spend most of my time playing games instead of hobbies I find more fulfilling, I still go to bed far too late. The difference now is the possibility that "I can always get out there and get a life!" has evaporated while COVID-19 is still community spreading. I miss that long-held hope. And also coffee shops. I miss coffee shops.

This is not to say I am without options for improving my life and my discipline. Although a generalized fear of dying in agony while I struggle to breathe has not been providing a GREAT mental space to do that. Still, I could at least be doing the work. Hell, I could at least be READING which I miss tremendously. I miss my voracious reader self.

I'm chatting with people on the dating apps, even though there's zero chance I want to meet anyone new in person for the foreseeable future. But lock-down has only further emphasized my complete and utter failures to find companionship and community in Portland before all this hit so I find myself more inclined to reach out, at least a little.

Still, it's stupid to find myself quite this alone for, looking back at my decisions, no good reason. And yet, I have no clear idea how to turn things around. There are very specific things I could do to improve my personal habits, but it still doesn't help me know where to start looking for my community or purpose. I would settle for one or the other at this point.

This isn't a good track I'm on, and there's been nothing like a genuine public health emergency to highlight that. The number of people who have checked in during all this bullshit is not zero, but distressingly low. Not that I don't appreciate them, not that I haven't reached out myself ... but my inability to make connections since I moved to portland has been ... bad? Pretty bad. I don't love it.

Hard to make connections when you're at war with yourself though. And I think I am still at war with myself. I do not like this version of me but I don't have a clear idea of the version of me I want to be. Not many models of how to thrive in this, the misery-soaked world we have created that appeal to me in particular. Regardless, I don't know who I am or where I belong or where exactly to look.

Nonetheless, the problem is not loneliness per se, it is not knowing who I am in the world. It is hard to relate to people when you don't know who you are.

"What are you into?"
"I don't know."
"What do you hope for?"
"I don't know."
"What are you working on?"
"I don't know."

Hard to relate when you're kind of a blank slate, you know?

That said, every day is another chance to change direction. I tell myself that every day as I put on my mask to get groceries, hoping this week isn't the week I die because I needed some milk.

Marvel Reading List - House of M

Continuing the journey, House of M! Or, "What to do when you've made a character ludicrously powerful."

I decently liked this cross-over. It's the Magneto version of Age of Apocalypse. One thing I like about it is you can just read the House of M limited series and get the full effect. The tie-in series are absolutely not necessary.

Cutting and pasting and editing from Comic Book Reading Orders.

Excalibur Vol. 3 #13
Excalibur Vol. 3 #14

House of M #1 (2005)
House of M #2

#the history of how the new reality happened. If you want to know how magneto took over the world, put Apocalypse in his place, this is that story.
Civil War: House of M #1 (2008)
Civil War: House of M #2
Civil War: House of M #3
Civil War: House of M #4
Civil War: House of M #5

#How human super villians defy and ultimately fall to Magneto, highly skippable
House of M: Masters of Evil #1 (2009)
House of M: Masters of Evil #2
House of M: Masters of Evil #3
House of M: Masters of Evil #4

#totally skippable. I'm not much into the marvel knights stuff though.
House of M: Avengers #1 (2008)
House of M: Avengers #2
House of M: Avengers #3
House of M: Avengers #4
House of M: Avengers #5

#the House of M incredible Hulk arc is marginally interesting. I don't think Hulk really picks up until Planet Hulk starts though.
Incredible Hulk Vol. 2 #83

#How Doom falls to Magneto. Skippable.
Fantastic Four: House of M #1 (2005)
Fantastic Four: House of M #2
Fantastic Four: House of M #3

#Kind of a mess, but I liked the premise and the twist. There's a scene where Jonah reads Parker's childhood journal on TV and I laughed out loud.
Spider-Man: House of M #1 (2005)
Spider-Man: House of M #2
Spider-Man: House of M #3
Spider-Man: House of M #4
Spider-Man: House of M #5

Incredible Hulk Vol. 2 #84
Incredible Hulk Vol. 2 #85
Incredible Hulk Vol. 2 #86

#Kind of awful?
Iron Man: House of M #1 (2005)
Iron Man: House of M #2
Iron Man: House of M #3

#i wasn't that into district x and it's not really better here.
Mutopia X #1 (2005)
Mutopia X #2
Mutopia X #3

#marginally interesting because it's genis. why can't they figure out what to do with this character?
New Thunderbolts #11

#probably my favorite tie-in. I LOVE Alan Davis, especially his early Excalibur work and Captain Britain stuff, and if you like that, boy does this arc deliver.
Uncanny X-Men #462
Uncanny X-Men #463
Uncanny X-Men #464
Uncanny X-Men #465

House of M #3

#Probably the best of the New X-men stuff, but I still hate it. Who are these kids? Idk and I don't want to know.
New X-Men Vol. 2 #16
New X-Men Vol. 2 #17
New X-Men Vol. 2 #18
New X-Men Vol. 2 #19

#skippable side story. The good wolverine content happens in the House of M limited series. I like him and Mystique as a couple though.
Wolverine Vol. 3 #33
Wolverine Vol. 3 #34
Wolverine Vol. 3 #35

House of M #4
House of M #5

#They brought back a lot of hastily killed characters this year. In this issue: Hawkeye!
The Pulse #10

#skip
Captain America Vol. 5 #10

#I liked this one
Black Panther Vol. 4 #7

#Pretty decent, still love Blink.
Exiles #69
Exiles #70
Exiles #71

#Still borderline unreadable. I just tune out the deadpool babble.
Cable & Deadpool #17

House of M #6
House of M #7

Mutopia X #4

House of M #8

#skip
Giant-Size Ms. Marvel #1 (2006)

Marvel Reading List - Disassembled to House of M

 Over Christmas I decided to catch up on some old Thor comics I had bought but not read. Within a day or two this had turned into a marvel unlimited subscription and catching up with x-men/avengers stuff since I left off somewhere in 2004 (right around disassembled). Crucial to this project, has been the master marvel reading order I randomly found via google.

I am a 43-year-old who has different tastes than 23-year-old me, so I am omitting or at least explaining what, in my opinion, is or is not worth your time. Not all creative teams are equal and not all story arcs are really worth your time. This is my opinion on which is which. Your opinion may vary!

And, to repeat, I'm mostly interested in X-men/Avengers characters this run. Spidey, for instance, is only a focus here so far as he shows up in those franchises and cross-overs. Disassembled is a common choice for the "modern era" so I'm starting there. To be clear, I'm literally cutting and pasting the reading order linked above and omitting what I wasn't interested in, and commenting on what I ended up reading.

(I spoil some of the arcs in the hashtag summaries. I figure 15 years is enough time to wait.)

Excalibur Vol. 3 #1 (2004)*
*Excalibur Vol. 3 is HIGHLY skippable. The short of it is, Professor X and Magneto find themselves on a ruined genosha and have some hijinks with forgettable mutants. It's a 12-issue set-up for the start of House of M which is utterly unnecessary.

#Avengers disassembled, imo Thor and Avengers are the only necessary arcs here

Thor Vol. 2 #80
Thor Vol. 2 #81

Avengers #500
Avengers #501
Avengers #502
Avengers #503

Thor Vol. 2 #82
Thor Vol. 2 #83
Thor Vol. 2 #84
Thor Vol. 2 #85
Avengers Finale #1 (2005)

#disassembled fallout leading to House of M

# a completely unnecessary but fun FF arc wherein Johnny Storm finds himself the Herald of Galactus
Fantastic Four #520
Fantastic Four #521
Fantastic Four #522
Fantastic Four #523
Fantastic Four #524

#Beta Rill Bill post-Ragnarok, not necessary but has its moments.
Stormbreaker: The Saga of Beta Ray Bill #1 (2005)
Stormbreaker: The Saga of Beta Ray Bill #2
Stormbreaker: The Saga of Beta Ray Bill #3
Stormbreaker: The Saga of Beta Ray Bill #4
Stormbreaker: The Saga of Beta Ray Bill #5
Stormbreaker: The Saga of Beta Ray Bill #6

#mostly good on re-read
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #1 (2003)
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #2
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #3
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #4
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #5
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #6

#Super weird Savage Land arc, but hey, Psylocke's back!
Uncanny X-Men #455
Uncanny X-Men #456
Uncanny X-Men #457
Uncanny X-Men #458
Uncanny X-Men #459

#Wolverine Enemy of the State arc. Decent, feel free to skip New X-Men, teenage soap opera drivel
Wolverine Vol. 3 #20
Wolverine Vol. 3 #21
Wolverine Vol. 3 #22
Wolverine Vol. 3 #23
Wolverine Vol. 3 #24
Wolverine Vol. 3 #25

New X-Men Vol. 2 #13
Uncanny X-Men #460Uncanny X-Men #461

Wolverine Vol. 3 #26
Wolverine Vol. 3 #27
Wolverine Vol. 3 #28
Wolverine Vol. 3 #29
Wolverine Vol. 3 #30
Wolverine Vol. 3 #31
Wolverine Vol. 3 #32


#I have yet to encounter a Gambit solo arc worth reading, and this run is no exception
Gambit Vol. 4 #7
Gambit Vol. 4 #8
Gambit Vol. 4 #9
Gambit Vol. 4 #10
Gambit Vol. 4 #11
Gambit Vol. 4 #12

#Warren Ellis! I am a fan, recommended for that reason alone. Also, serious suit status quo upgrade.
Iron Man Vol. 4 #1 (2005)
Iron Man Vol. 4 #2
Iron Man Vol. 4 #3
Iron Man Vol. 4 #4
Iron Man Vol. 4 #5
Iron Man Vol. 4 #6
 
# I tried with the New Thunderbolts because it ostensibly features Genis Vell, but I hated it
After Thunderbolts #81 the series was retitled New Thunderbolts
New Thunderbolts #1 (2005)
New Thunderbolts #2
New Thunderbolts #3
New Thunderbolts #4
New Thunderbolts #5
New Thunderbolts #6


#The crimes and "death" of Nick Fury. So so, skippable both in quality and impact. If you're wondering why Fury disappears for a while, this is the arc that tells you.
Secret War #1 (2005)
Secret War #2
Secret War #3
Secret War #4
Secret War #5

#A surprisingly sweet goodbye to Jean Grey. I'm not sure why they hated this character, but she gets the send-off she deserves here.
X-Men: Phoenix Endsong #1 (2005)
X-Men: Phoenix Endsong #2
X-Men: Phoenix Endsong #3
X-Men: Phoenix Endsong #4
X-Men: Phoenix Endsong #5

#x-men is a weird, not great soap opera during this period. Iceman is dating Polaris and Havok is jealous, Rogue and Gambit are angsty, etc. Awful. I otherwise appreciate the weirdness of the arc.
X-Men Vol. 2 #166
X-Men Vol. 2 #167
X-Men Vol. 2 #168
X-Men Vol. 2 #169
X-Men Vol. 2 #170

#An exceedingly stupid plot from Whedon where the Danger Room becomes sentient and attacks the team. This feels like a "I'm running out of ideas ... maybe the house comes alive somehow" bad idea and it's odd it's the second major arc.
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #7
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #8
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #9
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #10
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #11
Astonishing X-Men Vol. 3 #12]

#I missed this the first time around, but appreciate the characters and the queer representation.
Young Avengers #1 (2005) - First appearance of the Young Avengers
Young Avengers #2
Young Avengers #3
Young Avengers #4
Young Avengers #5
Young Avengers #6

#Fun, not vital
Black Panther Vol. 4 #1 (2005)
Black Panther Vol. 4 #2
Black Panther Vol. 4 #3
Black Panther Vol. 4 #4
Black Panther Vol. 4 #5
Black Panther Vol. 4 #6

#totally skippable
Incredible Hulk Vol. 2 #77
Incredible Hulk Vol. 2 #78
Incredible Hulk Vol. 2 #79
Incredible Hulk Vol. 2 #80
Incredible Hulk Vol. 2 #81

#Decently good, I like this avengers make-up frankly.
New Avengers #1 (2005)
New Avengers #2
New Avengers #3
New Avengers #4 - First appearance of Maria Hill
New Avengers #5
New Avengers #6

#a patience-trying Gambit/Rogue soap opera where Mystique tries to sleep with her daughter's BF for the sake of their relationship. Jesus God.
X-Men Vol. 2 #171
X-Men Vol. 2 #172
X-Men Vol. 2 #173
X-Men Vol. 2 #174

Young Avengers #7
Young Avengers #8

New Avengers #7
New Avengers #8
New Avengers #9
New Avengers #10

#x-men vs black panther, first hints of this eras Storm/BP romance
X-Men Vol. 2 #175
Black Panther Vol. 4 #8
X-Men Vol. 2 #176
Black Panther Vol. 4 #9

#I used to like DP, but this comic is borderline unreadable. Still read it. 
Cable & Deadpool #15
Cable & Deadpool #16

#arguably the only two Excalibur comics you need to read going into House of M. Could easily just skip them. Magneto brings Scarlet Witch to Genosha so Xavier can try to help her. That's all you need to know.
Excalibur Vol. 3 #11
Excalibur Vol. 3 #12