Deep Breaths

So, after deciding that a year was long enough to pay for $300 worth of cell phone usage every month for an ex, and after my brother said he didn't really need to use my own phone:

Verizon cell phone account: Cancelled.

Operator: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have a reason for cancelling? You're making me cry."

Me: "I don't want to pay for cell phones for my brother and ex and you don't have an iphone. Your manipulation suffers a critical miss."

After the happy dance was done, I just couldn't stop.

Newspaper subscription (taken at behest of the ex and which I don't read): Cancelled.

Operator: "Is there a reason for your cancellation? Seriously, you are making me cry here."

Me: "I don't read your paper version, I DO read your online news, I don't want it anymore, isn't this reason enough?"

And then it was time to consider what other monthly fees I was paying for but not using:

City of Heroes Subscription: Cancelled.

Website: "Why are you canceling your subscription? Did we do something wrong? We used to have such a good thing going. The world would frighten you, and you would retreat into our special-made world where you can be super-hero. Don't you want to be a super-hero?"

Me: "I do. But I"m not 12 anymore, and there's not much sadder than an overweight guy, who has no reason not to be in shape, role-playing a buff, manly super-hero avatar in a digital world 6 hours a day. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is face the real world instead of hiding from it."

Website: "That's silly and cheesy and something real manly superhero men wouldn't say."

Me: *Quirks eyebrow, hits cancel*

And then, the moment of truth. Could I destroy the Monster? I logged into the account page, and once started could not be stopped.



World of Warcraft Subscription: Cancelled.

WoW website: "Hey! Where ya been! We missed you. Increasing your subscription period to one year? Yes! I mean . . . cool, whatever, we're just happy if you' . . . hey, what are you doing with that cancel subscription button?"

Me: "I'm tired of hiding in your world."

Wow Website: "Hey, hey, hey, let's not get crazy now. Why don't you go ahead and just knock it down to a one-month subscription, see how it goes okay? Look, the thought of you leaving has made this peon cry."

Me: "I'm not interested. I'm going to select the cancel button again."

Wow Website: "Look, now this peon is just sobbing. Listen you son of a bitch, we've given you a lot of goddamn cool shit. You know what fun it is to fly a dragon through floating spires of rock? That was us. Meeting your new Australian friends? That was me. All those other accomplishments? Me. Belay that cancel subscription you ungrateful little bastard."

Me: "Can you name me one accomplishment in your game that would have benefitted me in the real world? I poured hours and hours and hours of time into accomplishments that are absolutely meaningless outside of your world. I was a reservoir of potential and creative energy, which instead of being channeled into making myself and the world better in some small way, I mistakenly directed into your world where it will never help anyone. Your world is meaningless."

Wow Website: " . . . . but look at the peon graphic, he's so SAD!"

Me: *hits cancel subcription*

Wow Website: "Fine, do what you want. You'll be back. Everyone comes back."

Me: "We'll see. I wouldn't hold my breath. Oh, and Wow?"

Wow Website: *looks back hopefully for a last minute change of heart* " . . Yes?"

Me: "Fuck you and your crying peon."

Note to my Australian friends: I still love you all and will remain in contact.