I feel good about actually writing some crap, in terms of needing an outlet. Picking up piano again would probably help me as well. And I still want to learn to paint something, damn it.
The first thing I'm trying to do is Actually Write. Dump the first draft down, accept that it will be a hot mess. The second big task is cultivating an attention span that will let me return for revisionary passes.
I am still not really convinced I have any actual stories to tell. I have for my whole life dissociated and held myself apart from life, like engagement with life on this planet is just something I can politely say, "no, thank you." to. My primary method for this is dissociation, and I wonder if dissociation hasn't left me drooling and incoherent. How much has endlessly scrolling twitter feeds and video games damaged my ability to think. I worry.
But I don't hate my writing. Should I? I worry about that too. Maybe I am only writing for an audience of myself. Maybe that is okay.
Mostly I worry that I will not kick myself into motion before entropy and time say it's last call. I am not living in forever and my biggest life crime against the universe is a refusal to acknowledge the simple fact I have been allotted roughly the same amount of temporal tokens as anyone else and I spend one every second regardless of my delusions, grandiose or otherwise. And I am not spending them caring for others or developing my, in context, limited potential.
When I allow myself to indulge in a belief in the afterlife and reincarnation, I can only at this moment imagine they will have to send me back to like, not procrastinate next time. Which I could only agree is fair.
The funny thing about near death experiences is they seem to indicate the immortality of the soul and life after life, but they also seem to indicate an afterlife with it's own bureaucratic fuck-ups. Christianity posits an immortal god with a smoothy-oiled bureaucracy but with a low tolerance for personal fuck-ups. Given the choice, I find I choose kindly, but befuddled spirits trying to get the paperwork on the deceased right with mixed results.
Of course, it could all be nonsense and this is IT as far as consciousness goes. And I think most belief systems would agree you only get this one body with this one mind once and that is sacred. Best not to waste it, no?
Monday, November 12, 2018
Sunday, November 11, 2018
Culture!
Had the inspiration for some Culture fanfic today too. First draft of course. Kind of want to write a Star Trek version of the Culture? Culture ship exploring the edges of known space. You can see what I think of pan-humanity as imagined by Banks though. Living the life but ENTIRELY too comfortable leaving major decisions to the machines.
New Incarnate Fragment
Wrote this in the shower this morning. I go from thinking this story is something that I missed the window on to something I just need to write even if it's crap. there's some kind of story I want to tell in there.
There is a post-apocalyptic series that leads to a weird SF series, although I think it's fantasy at heart. I can't decide if I should just skip the post-apocalyptic story and skip to the gods-as-motherships orchestrating the end of the universe or if there are things I want to talk about in both settings.
Thor's ships is shaped like Mjolnir, although it is, for all intents and purposes, Thor incarnate, crewed by fanatical followers. Machine avatars twice as large as a standard human, for smaller-scale presence. Loki's shift-ship in a dubious alliance. Battles with Frost Giants in iceberg-esque ships. The Jormungandr writhing in space, attempting to eat Asgard. Thor's and Loki's final sacrifice. Odin's brutal revenge. The Rainbow Bridge drive.
The other pantheons in their sectors of the galaxy. Each fighting the serpent's forces in different forms. The Greek Fleet after the fall of Olympus. The Power of Z.E.U.S. The music of the Spheres.
The Aztec Fleet and the flagship Quetzacoatl, a rival in size and power to Jormungandr. The Hindu Fleet, led by V.I.S.H.N.U., the massive but nimble Ganesha, the plucky escort Rama.
I don't know, there's something in there. Probably need to do some more reading before it starts to gel though.
There is a post-apocalyptic series that leads to a weird SF series, although I think it's fantasy at heart. I can't decide if I should just skip the post-apocalyptic story and skip to the gods-as-motherships orchestrating the end of the universe or if there are things I want to talk about in both settings.
Thor's ships is shaped like Mjolnir, although it is, for all intents and purposes, Thor incarnate, crewed by fanatical followers. Machine avatars twice as large as a standard human, for smaller-scale presence. Loki's shift-ship in a dubious alliance. Battles with Frost Giants in iceberg-esque ships. The Jormungandr writhing in space, attempting to eat Asgard. Thor's and Loki's final sacrifice. Odin's brutal revenge. The Rainbow Bridge drive.
The other pantheons in their sectors of the galaxy. Each fighting the serpent's forces in different forms. The Greek Fleet after the fall of Olympus. The Power of Z.E.U.S. The music of the Spheres.
The Aztec Fleet and the flagship Quetzacoatl, a rival in size and power to Jormungandr. The Hindu Fleet, led by V.I.S.H.N.U., the massive but nimble Ganesha, the plucky escort Rama.
I don't know, there's something in there. Probably need to do some more reading before it starts to gel though.
Friday, October 26, 2018
Consider Phlebas
The Culture's first major recorded conflict, at least by Banks in Consider Phlebas, was with the Idirans. The Idirans believed the culture's reliance on machines threatened the primacy of biological life in the galaxy and additionally had religious/cultural reasons to expand their empire. When I first read it, I was very much pro-Idiran, because I think they had a point. The Culture had a point too, but again takes it's own rightness as a given.
I wish Banks had expanded on this concept throughout the series, but he never really returned to it. Once the largely atheist Culture wins the war, they never really return to it, the matter more or less being settled.
Still, I think this conflict between religion/atheism and AI and biological life was what interested me in the series in the first place, and it kind of bums me out he never got back to it. Both of those topics are very in my wheelhouse though, so maybe it's just me.
I wish Banks had expanded on this concept throughout the series, but he never really returned to it. Once the largely atheist Culture wins the war, they never really return to it, the matter more or less being settled.
Still, I think this conflict between religion/atheism and AI and biological life was what interested me in the series in the first place, and it kind of bums me out he never got back to it. Both of those topics are very in my wheelhouse though, so maybe it's just me.
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Welcome to the Culture
So I finished the Culture series and am left wanting more. Partly because Banks died too soon and I'll never get to see where he was ultimately going with it, if anywhere. Partly because I think they were never quite what I wanted them to be. I think I kept hoping for a moment of revelation that never really came, but that may have been me expecting more than any novel is likely to deliver.
The Culture is a Pan-Human civilization set in the far future that has endured for over 10,000 years and abandoned scarcity and a lot of the cultural hang-ups that came with it, a long, long time ago. At some point they created AI Minds and gave them ships with near god-like abilities to create habitats with surface areas exceeding that of most planets, which is where most citizens tend to live, in addition to the ships themselves, the biggest of which hold many millions of people. Outside of a few major conflicts, they tend to live long, care-free lives wanting for nothing and working only as it takes their interest. For all intents and purposes the ships run everything and make all the major political decisions, although any big decisions are usually put to a vote to the population at large. Votes basically happen as they need to. The ships themselves have crew, but it's more an indulgence to keep people occupied than an actual necessity, the ships themselves are entirely self-sustaining. Banks originally thought of the Culture as some future version of Earth humans after they'd left Earth behind and spread to the stars, but got so disenchanted by human society on this planet that he eventually dropped it entirely.
The Culture itself doesn't seem to have much internal political drama, but it does have a tremendous self-regard for itself and its freedom and own perceived sense of enlightenment so stories tend to focus on the friction between the culture and more aggressive/authoritarian alien societies. The Culture views itself as the galaxy's conscience, but values the autonomy of a species to rule themselves and have their own ideas of how things should be. Many of the stories center around their Special Circumstances organization, which is more or less their version of an intelligence agency, which will use more violent/devious tactics than the Culture would normally condone to deal with situations that seem abnormally dangerous and/or are likely to result in mega-death crimes (civilian deaths in the millions or billions).
The Culture is not the only civilization in the galaxy, just one of the most powerful and influential at the time. There are many multi-system empires and many that have come and gone before. One of the most interesting aspects of this universe is the idea that there are Elder races who are basically obscenely powerful, but keep to themselves, having long since gotten tired of the day-to-day politics of the wider galaxies. And some civilizations sublime entirely, leaving the material plane en masse to higher dimensions to explore different forms of existence, once they feel like they've seen all they're going to of this one.
By far my favorite part of the series are the ship Minds, and how they talk to each other. They all have semi-silly names like "Fate Amenable to Change" or "Experiencing a Significant Gravitas Shortfall" and end up being some of the most interesting characters in the series.
I am left wanting more, but with a few questions that I wish had been addressed more. Why would people be so comfortable leaving everything to the machines? Where is the challenge/reward in the average life of a citizen? I admire them for their openness and freedom, but they seem obscenely decadent to me. Even their special circumstances agents seem to do it more out of boredom and because even though Ships have Drones (themselves fully self-aware, if less powerful Minds) and Avatars (constructed semi-independent biological expressions of themselves), they seem to need organics to interface with other organics successfully. Their trust in the Minds seems too complacent, especially the trouble groups of them tend to get into over the course of the series.
One feature of Culture life is being "backed-up" where a ship Mind take a scan of your brain and then recreates you if you die. This is basically treated like a save file in the video game. Citizens seem to view this as a form of immortality, but of course they aren't. they die, and then are replaced by someone exactly like them taken from a snapshot a few days before. From the point of view of the Culture, this is ensures a constancy of culture, but it's still death for all practical purposes. There seems to be no belief in a soul that ensures a continuance of experience here. I wish he'd gotten more into the philosophical implications of that, especially in a universe where entire civilizations leave death behind entirely and sublime to higher dimensions. How does it change a civilization to no longer grieve for death, because anyone who dies prematurely can be re-created, and how messed up is it that it's all a mirage? They DO die and a clone replaces them for the sake of everyone else. How messed up is that? Doesn't that bother anyone?
In general I find the intersection of materialism and spirituality in this series a little unsatisfying. This is best exemplified in the concept of subliming, which is here pictured as the end result of ascending the ladder of increasingly technical superiority over the material world. But subliming seems more like a spiritual achievement, it's not portrayed as a technical accomplishment even in the context of the books, they just seem to reach some enlightened state out of nowhere or are deemed ready as a people by previously sublimed races who are willing to help them cross over. The dots between "technical accomplishment" and "spiritual enlightenment" are never really connected in a way that I found satisfying. Although I think Banks might have a blind spot here that western culture seems to have in general, which is this idea that the end result of technical accomplishment will be spiritual growth and peace. Like if we just chart enough neurons it will all suddenly make sense some day. Technological progress is not necessarily the same as the search for meaning and there's no reason to believe meaning and enlightenment is where slightly faster cell phones eventually leads us!
I mean, I'm okay if Banks ultimately had a different take on that topic, I just wish he had spent more time teasing apart some of these things. The Culture sometimes seems to be a commentary on modern liberal values, but never really seems to say that much other than it is self-evidently good. I think I just wish he had spent more time somewhere on digging into whether it WAS good and why or why not.
These are relatively small complaints. I loved the series overall. This series is much like the Discworld series to me at this point. I end up thinking a lot about the questions the stories provoke, but ultimately I'm just happy to spend time there.
The Culture is a Pan-Human civilization set in the far future that has endured for over 10,000 years and abandoned scarcity and a lot of the cultural hang-ups that came with it, a long, long time ago. At some point they created AI Minds and gave them ships with near god-like abilities to create habitats with surface areas exceeding that of most planets, which is where most citizens tend to live, in addition to the ships themselves, the biggest of which hold many millions of people. Outside of a few major conflicts, they tend to live long, care-free lives wanting for nothing and working only as it takes their interest. For all intents and purposes the ships run everything and make all the major political decisions, although any big decisions are usually put to a vote to the population at large. Votes basically happen as they need to. The ships themselves have crew, but it's more an indulgence to keep people occupied than an actual necessity, the ships themselves are entirely self-sustaining. Banks originally thought of the Culture as some future version of Earth humans after they'd left Earth behind and spread to the stars, but got so disenchanted by human society on this planet that he eventually dropped it entirely.
The Culture itself doesn't seem to have much internal political drama, but it does have a tremendous self-regard for itself and its freedom and own perceived sense of enlightenment so stories tend to focus on the friction between the culture and more aggressive/authoritarian alien societies. The Culture views itself as the galaxy's conscience, but values the autonomy of a species to rule themselves and have their own ideas of how things should be. Many of the stories center around their Special Circumstances organization, which is more or less their version of an intelligence agency, which will use more violent/devious tactics than the Culture would normally condone to deal with situations that seem abnormally dangerous and/or are likely to result in mega-death crimes (civilian deaths in the millions or billions).
The Culture is not the only civilization in the galaxy, just one of the most powerful and influential at the time. There are many multi-system empires and many that have come and gone before. One of the most interesting aspects of this universe is the idea that there are Elder races who are basically obscenely powerful, but keep to themselves, having long since gotten tired of the day-to-day politics of the wider galaxies. And some civilizations sublime entirely, leaving the material plane en masse to higher dimensions to explore different forms of existence, once they feel like they've seen all they're going to of this one.
By far my favorite part of the series are the ship Minds, and how they talk to each other. They all have semi-silly names like "Fate Amenable to Change" or "Experiencing a Significant Gravitas Shortfall" and end up being some of the most interesting characters in the series.
I am left wanting more, but with a few questions that I wish had been addressed more. Why would people be so comfortable leaving everything to the machines? Where is the challenge/reward in the average life of a citizen? I admire them for their openness and freedom, but they seem obscenely decadent to me. Even their special circumstances agents seem to do it more out of boredom and because even though Ships have Drones (themselves fully self-aware, if less powerful Minds) and Avatars (constructed semi-independent biological expressions of themselves), they seem to need organics to interface with other organics successfully. Their trust in the Minds seems too complacent, especially the trouble groups of them tend to get into over the course of the series.
One feature of Culture life is being "backed-up" where a ship Mind take a scan of your brain and then recreates you if you die. This is basically treated like a save file in the video game. Citizens seem to view this as a form of immortality, but of course they aren't. they die, and then are replaced by someone exactly like them taken from a snapshot a few days before. From the point of view of the Culture, this is ensures a constancy of culture, but it's still death for all practical purposes. There seems to be no belief in a soul that ensures a continuance of experience here. I wish he'd gotten more into the philosophical implications of that, especially in a universe where entire civilizations leave death behind entirely and sublime to higher dimensions. How does it change a civilization to no longer grieve for death, because anyone who dies prematurely can be re-created, and how messed up is it that it's all a mirage? They DO die and a clone replaces them for the sake of everyone else. How messed up is that? Doesn't that bother anyone?
In general I find the intersection of materialism and spirituality in this series a little unsatisfying. This is best exemplified in the concept of subliming, which is here pictured as the end result of ascending the ladder of increasingly technical superiority over the material world. But subliming seems more like a spiritual achievement, it's not portrayed as a technical accomplishment even in the context of the books, they just seem to reach some enlightened state out of nowhere or are deemed ready as a people by previously sublimed races who are willing to help them cross over. The dots between "technical accomplishment" and "spiritual enlightenment" are never really connected in a way that I found satisfying. Although I think Banks might have a blind spot here that western culture seems to have in general, which is this idea that the end result of technical accomplishment will be spiritual growth and peace. Like if we just chart enough neurons it will all suddenly make sense some day. Technological progress is not necessarily the same as the search for meaning and there's no reason to believe meaning and enlightenment is where slightly faster cell phones eventually leads us!
I mean, I'm okay if Banks ultimately had a different take on that topic, I just wish he had spent more time teasing apart some of these things. The Culture sometimes seems to be a commentary on modern liberal values, but never really seems to say that much other than it is self-evidently good. I think I just wish he had spent more time somewhere on digging into whether it WAS good and why or why not.
These are relatively small complaints. I loved the series overall. This series is much like the Discworld series to me at this point. I end up thinking a lot about the questions the stories provoke, but ultimately I'm just happy to spend time there.
Expanded
As an addition to my snarky post about Expanse Dialogue, I DO tend to like most of the women they write. Avasarala and Ana are probably the two most interesting characters to me. Naomi is interesting, but would be more so if she'd dump Holden. Although I'm still hoping to get through the 3rd book quickly and get past the TV show chronology. I'm really curious where it goes after that and the Earth/Mars/OPA conflict has been completely uninteresting to me from the get-go*. I'm here for the proto-molecule, spaceships, finding new planets through those portals and uncovering the mysteries of ancient alien civs.
*the conflict just seems manufactured, which it is plot-wise, obviously. there's just no inherent tension between those 3 that I find interesting. I don't really understand why Earth and Mars hate each other and I don't think the writers do either. I'm hoping they drop this aspect in the face of greater threats later. Although both of them walking all over the OPA makes sense to me.
*the conflict just seems manufactured, which it is plot-wise, obviously. there's just no inherent tension between those 3 that I find interesting. I don't really understand why Earth and Mars hate each other and I don't think the writers do either. I'm hoping they drop this aspect in the face of greater threats later. Although both of them walking all over the OPA makes sense to me.
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Dialogue from the expanse: a sample
I'm enjoying the expanse books, but good lord, Holden's internal dialogue is tedious. He seems boring on the outside on the show, and when you read the books you realize he is also incredibly dull on the inside!
************
"The thing is, I wouldn't normally go for someone like Naomi. She wasn't immediately physically attractive to me, which is confusing!" said Holden, while making coffee.
"Is that right Cap?" replies Amos, as he looks into the distance, contemplating murder. Amos is not thinking of murdering anyone in particular, he just likes murder.
In the corner, Sgt. Roberta Draper is smirking at Holden. She is cleaning her power armor again. In the kitchen for some reason.
"You see, I know everything about computers and ships, but my main purpose is teaching Holden to see women as complete human beings. Don't you think that's important?" Naomi is talking to Sgt. Draper, desperately trying to convince herself Holden is any more interesting than the toast she ate this morning. Actually, come to think of it, that toast was mixed grain with nuts. Naomi bites her lip.
"Yes, ma'am." Roberta says. She is still smirking at Holden and oiling the joints of her power armor. So many joints. So much oil.
"But I also like curvy Polynesian women, I used to stare at them when I was stationed there." says Holden earnestly. He is talking to no one in particular.
"That sure is somethin' Cap." says Amos, his fingers curled around the invisible throat of an imagined victim.
From the upper decks Alex shouts, "Hey y'aaaaaaaaaaallll. Is flying ships great, or what?"
"Take Sgt. Draper." says Holden to his coffee mug. "I don't know whether to come on to her or flee. Because she is sexually attractive to me, but also large enough to be intimidating. But I already have a totally great girlfriend I am completely committed to. What a conundrum!"
Amos does not reply. He is catatonic, lost in a reverie of murder.
Sgt. Roberta Draper's smirk increases in size until her body is eclipsed entirely. She is the cheshire cat of Mars. Before long they both fade from view entirely. The only sign she existed is some extremely well-oiled power armor.
From below decks, Avasarala yells, "Where's my fucking tea, you fucking incompetents!" She is drunk again and by "tea" she means "gin."
************
"The thing is, I wouldn't normally go for someone like Naomi. She wasn't immediately physically attractive to me, which is confusing!" said Holden, while making coffee.
"Is that right Cap?" replies Amos, as he looks into the distance, contemplating murder. Amos is not thinking of murdering anyone in particular, he just likes murder.
In the corner, Sgt. Roberta Draper is smirking at Holden. She is cleaning her power armor again. In the kitchen for some reason.
"You see, I know everything about computers and ships, but my main purpose is teaching Holden to see women as complete human beings. Don't you think that's important?" Naomi is talking to Sgt. Draper, desperately trying to convince herself Holden is any more interesting than the toast she ate this morning. Actually, come to think of it, that toast was mixed grain with nuts. Naomi bites her lip.
"Yes, ma'am." Roberta says. She is still smirking at Holden and oiling the joints of her power armor. So many joints. So much oil.
"But I also like curvy Polynesian women, I used to stare at them when I was stationed there." says Holden earnestly. He is talking to no one in particular.
"That sure is somethin' Cap." says Amos, his fingers curled around the invisible throat of an imagined victim.
From the upper decks Alex shouts, "Hey y'aaaaaaaaaaallll. Is flying ships great, or what?"
"Take Sgt. Draper." says Holden to his coffee mug. "I don't know whether to come on to her or flee. Because she is sexually attractive to me, but also large enough to be intimidating. But I already have a totally great girlfriend I am completely committed to. What a conundrum!"
Amos does not reply. He is catatonic, lost in a reverie of murder.
Sgt. Roberta Draper's smirk increases in size until her body is eclipsed entirely. She is the cheshire cat of Mars. Before long they both fade from view entirely. The only sign she existed is some extremely well-oiled power armor.
From below decks, Avasarala yells, "Where's my fucking tea, you fucking incompetents!" She is drunk again and by "tea" she means "gin."
Monday, September 17, 2018
Apocalypse Weekend
My interests tend to be thematic, consciously or unconsciously. So I read Inferno by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, and then Surface Detail by Ian M. Banks and then This is the End by Seth Rogen and Friends to cap it all off. I did not really intend to focus on hell, it just kind of happened that way.
Inferno has been on my to-read shelf forever, and only, as it turns out, because I forgot I read it twenty years ago at camp when I was buying used classic SF at the McCall, ID library sales like it was going out of style. Which it had.
I don't always read with too many metrics in mind, but these days there is usually one: is this book good enough to pack up in a box and move with me? Largely because I got tired of moving so many boxes of books, and while my books are precious to me, if I'm being honest not all of them will be read again or recommended to friends, so I don't need to throw out my back for them. Hoarding also runs in my family*, so I try to be careful.
Inferno, sadly, did not pass this metric until the last 2 pages, which gave me pause before I heaved it to the "not staying" box. For one, it's steeped with in jokes from the life of an SF writer as filtered through conventions, so it feels like it's written for a very select crowd of people who've gotten drunk with Niven and Pournelle, a group which does not count me in their number, as I was born the year it was written and I believe the family doctor contraindicated both alcohol and socializing with SF authors in my first year.
Otherwise, it's a more or less enjoyable re-telling of Dante's classic, with an odd digression of venom directed at Vonnegut, who I guess wasn't popular among SF nerds at the time. The main complaint was that he talked in baby talk and his SF conceits were BABY SF, not even college level. I think they were just mad he was classified as SF by some but also popular at parties. I say this with much love for SF and SF communities, but the pathologies of insecurity and in-group behavior are very real even there.
What swung me around on the last two pages was the realization of the main character that Hell was yet another chance to be saved, which is an idea I have liked for a long time, but had forgotten I had picked it up from Larry Niven as I read SF by myself on the shores of Payette Lake in McCall, Idaho. I think one of the reasons I ended up my childhood religion as offered was partly the idea that an all-powerful god was so bad at creating a compelling case to be good and then so punitive regarding failure, a failure that could have easily been avoided by a, uh, more attentive celestial guardian.
So I like the idea that Hell was just another place to "figure it out" because I like the idea that God really never gives up and that given infinite time and infinite patience he/she/it would try to keep getting people to change. Once they've shuffled off the mortal coil and are left with an immortal soul that can still learn and change, what's the hurry? I think constructing a hell is a bit much and potentially counter-productive, but I do like the idea that any redemptive god that exists would never truly give up, although there are disturbing aspects to that too, if you take it far enough. What if they don't want to change and prefer obliteration if they have the choice? Anyway, I liked it for prompting me to think even this much in the last 2 pages so it goes on the "maybe" pile.
Surface Detail is the second to last Culture book and I am sad to be almost done with the series. There was no question of keeping this one, I adore the culture books and this will go on the golden shelf devoted to Ian Banks with all the rest. I went in blind though, and was surprised to discover it was yet another book about hell.
The Culture books have slowly built up a sketched-out mythology of sublimed races and virtual afterlives, playing a little fast and loose with the idea that copied mind states are truly souls that experience a continuous existence between death and the virtual afterlife. The Culture is a radically left and vaguely liberal/libertarian society in the galactic culture at large, and the other races tend to resent the holier-than-thou attitude and relentless do-gooding, especially when the Culture has blood on its hands too. So the ongoing existence of virtual hells, where the deceased, or at least perfect copies of their minds, are quite intentionally tortured forever by computer simulations, presents a source of considerable friction between the culture and like-minded do gooders and races still deeply invested in punishing the "wicked" in the afterlife, even if they have to do it themselves. They agree to resolve the dispute in a virtual war over hell, which mostly concerns the stored minds of the dead, but it all too quickly spills over into the Real as one side begans to fear it is losing.
The story is fun, the characters delightful (especially my perpetual favorites the ships). But it was the stuff about the hells that kept me thinking along the same train of thought as the previous book. Why do that? Why given the chance to create heaven, create hell instead? Leading directly to the obviously conclusion of: why do we insist on creating hell on earth? The greater our technological powers grow the fewer excuses we have, so why? I honestly don't think we have a good answer anymore.
This is the End I have been meaning to watch for years and finally got around to it. As a child of a dark and depressing apocalyptic religion it was right up my alley. It is extremely self-indulgent so I hope you really find Seth Rogen and James Franco charming because it's just them and their friends farting around. That said, it is also pretty funny. It's a pretty light movie despite the darkness of the theme, but there's still a "are we good people?" aspect that necessarily comes up in any sort of christian apocalypse. They eventually figure out that self-sacrifice is the way to a guaranteed blue beam to paradise, which they enact with varying degrees of success. I don't know, I enjoyed it almost in spite of myself.
The part that interested me was how they were all people who had vaguely paid attention to religious upbringing trying to figure out how to deal with all of that turning out to be real with half-remembered lessons from the Exorcist and hazy memories of church. I mean, in that scenario they're basically boned, at least in any Final Judgement worth it's name, but it's kind of fascinating to watch pampered hollywood dudes bring up the idea, even in jest, to even wonder "are we good people? Should we try? Why or why not? Please leave your answer in the form of a 2-hour movie".
I have just recalled, the universe being a heavy-handed pedant, that I watched the second season of "the Good Place" just before reading Inferno. Which is also all about where we go when we die and why. There is so much to say abut the Good Place, but I don't know how to do it without spoiling it. So I'll just mention the part that struck me was the title of one of Chidi's lectures entitled, "what do we owe each other?" as a basis for a multi-part discussion on ethics. "What do we owe each other?" is a very good question.
So that was my weekend on hell. Now all that's left is to figure out: Am I a good person? What does that mean? How would I know? Why would I try that?
I think I am just being reminded that I should crack a book or two about ethics in the near future. Heavy. Handed. Pedant.
*My grandmother's sister, when she died, had a real-estate empire, but also houses and properties just full of hoarded rubbish like stacks of old newspapers, tended by a small pride of housecats. Her kids thought it would take years to sort and sell it all, and as far as I know it is still ongoing. So yeah, I try to be careful with my "I must have and keep that" impulses which are non-trivial compulsions in my life.
Inferno has been on my to-read shelf forever, and only, as it turns out, because I forgot I read it twenty years ago at camp when I was buying used classic SF at the McCall, ID library sales like it was going out of style. Which it had.
I don't always read with too many metrics in mind, but these days there is usually one: is this book good enough to pack up in a box and move with me? Largely because I got tired of moving so many boxes of books, and while my books are precious to me, if I'm being honest not all of them will be read again or recommended to friends, so I don't need to throw out my back for them. Hoarding also runs in my family*, so I try to be careful.
Inferno, sadly, did not pass this metric until the last 2 pages, which gave me pause before I heaved it to the "not staying" box. For one, it's steeped with in jokes from the life of an SF writer as filtered through conventions, so it feels like it's written for a very select crowd of people who've gotten drunk with Niven and Pournelle, a group which does not count me in their number, as I was born the year it was written and I believe the family doctor contraindicated both alcohol and socializing with SF authors in my first year.
Otherwise, it's a more or less enjoyable re-telling of Dante's classic, with an odd digression of venom directed at Vonnegut, who I guess wasn't popular among SF nerds at the time. The main complaint was that he talked in baby talk and his SF conceits were BABY SF, not even college level. I think they were just mad he was classified as SF by some but also popular at parties. I say this with much love for SF and SF communities, but the pathologies of insecurity and in-group behavior are very real even there.
What swung me around on the last two pages was the realization of the main character that Hell was yet another chance to be saved, which is an idea I have liked for a long time, but had forgotten I had picked it up from Larry Niven as I read SF by myself on the shores of Payette Lake in McCall, Idaho. I think one of the reasons I ended up my childhood religion as offered was partly the idea that an all-powerful god was so bad at creating a compelling case to be good and then so punitive regarding failure, a failure that could have easily been avoided by a, uh, more attentive celestial guardian.
So I like the idea that Hell was just another place to "figure it out" because I like the idea that God really never gives up and that given infinite time and infinite patience he/she/it would try to keep getting people to change. Once they've shuffled off the mortal coil and are left with an immortal soul that can still learn and change, what's the hurry? I think constructing a hell is a bit much and potentially counter-productive, but I do like the idea that any redemptive god that exists would never truly give up, although there are disturbing aspects to that too, if you take it far enough. What if they don't want to change and prefer obliteration if they have the choice? Anyway, I liked it for prompting me to think even this much in the last 2 pages so it goes on the "maybe" pile.
Surface Detail is the second to last Culture book and I am sad to be almost done with the series. There was no question of keeping this one, I adore the culture books and this will go on the golden shelf devoted to Ian Banks with all the rest. I went in blind though, and was surprised to discover it was yet another book about hell.
The Culture books have slowly built up a sketched-out mythology of sublimed races and virtual afterlives, playing a little fast and loose with the idea that copied mind states are truly souls that experience a continuous existence between death and the virtual afterlife. The Culture is a radically left and vaguely liberal/libertarian society in the galactic culture at large, and the other races tend to resent the holier-than-thou attitude and relentless do-gooding, especially when the Culture has blood on its hands too. So the ongoing existence of virtual hells, where the deceased, or at least perfect copies of their minds, are quite intentionally tortured forever by computer simulations, presents a source of considerable friction between the culture and like-minded do gooders and races still deeply invested in punishing the "wicked" in the afterlife, even if they have to do it themselves. They agree to resolve the dispute in a virtual war over hell, which mostly concerns the stored minds of the dead, but it all too quickly spills over into the Real as one side begans to fear it is losing.
The story is fun, the characters delightful (especially my perpetual favorites the ships). But it was the stuff about the hells that kept me thinking along the same train of thought as the previous book. Why do that? Why given the chance to create heaven, create hell instead? Leading directly to the obviously conclusion of: why do we insist on creating hell on earth? The greater our technological powers grow the fewer excuses we have, so why? I honestly don't think we have a good answer anymore.
This is the End I have been meaning to watch for years and finally got around to it. As a child of a dark and depressing apocalyptic religion it was right up my alley. It is extremely self-indulgent so I hope you really find Seth Rogen and James Franco charming because it's just them and their friends farting around. That said, it is also pretty funny. It's a pretty light movie despite the darkness of the theme, but there's still a "are we good people?" aspect that necessarily comes up in any sort of christian apocalypse. They eventually figure out that self-sacrifice is the way to a guaranteed blue beam to paradise, which they enact with varying degrees of success. I don't know, I enjoyed it almost in spite of myself.
The part that interested me was how they were all people who had vaguely paid attention to religious upbringing trying to figure out how to deal with all of that turning out to be real with half-remembered lessons from the Exorcist and hazy memories of church. I mean, in that scenario they're basically boned, at least in any Final Judgement worth it's name, but it's kind of fascinating to watch pampered hollywood dudes bring up the idea, even in jest, to even wonder "are we good people? Should we try? Why or why not? Please leave your answer in the form of a 2-hour movie".
I have just recalled, the universe being a heavy-handed pedant, that I watched the second season of "the Good Place" just before reading Inferno. Which is also all about where we go when we die and why. There is so much to say abut the Good Place, but I don't know how to do it without spoiling it. So I'll just mention the part that struck me was the title of one of Chidi's lectures entitled, "what do we owe each other?" as a basis for a multi-part discussion on ethics. "What do we owe each other?" is a very good question.
So that was my weekend on hell. Now all that's left is to figure out: Am I a good person? What does that mean? How would I know? Why would I try that?
I think I am just being reminded that I should crack a book or two about ethics in the near future. Heavy. Handed. Pedant.
*My grandmother's sister, when she died, had a real-estate empire, but also houses and properties just full of hoarded rubbish like stacks of old newspapers, tended by a small pride of housecats. Her kids thought it would take years to sort and sell it all, and as far as I know it is still ongoing. So yeah, I try to be careful with my "I must have and keep that" impulses which are non-trivial compulsions in my life.
Thursday, September 06, 2018
And so
One of the joys of bisexual life is watching your last guy crush and your girl crush get together, leaving you to ponder the folly of the universe and yourself in particular. Because obviously neither of them thought about you too much and you've been kind of a grumpy asshole anyway and who were you kidding?
I go through cycles where I get fixated on someone that, in retrospect was never going to work out, which plays out the same way every time. So now I have some big dumb feelings that need to run their big dumb course. Of course. Again.
It feels like the universe is so bored with teaching me with this lesson that it really half-assed it this time. My nose rubbed in it as if to say, "No! Bad dog! Jesus Fucking Christ, learn the lesson!"
I'm bored with it too, tbh. I know better. When I'm taking care of myself I'm less of a freakshow and tend to click with people better. And I know the click is what I'm going for. Meeting someone and just feeling the connection at some point. You get me, I get you and we will be spending some time together. Or, you smell like home to me and I smell like home to you and we will be spending a lot of time together. Probably naked. Preferably both, but either works.
God, I really let things go this time. Not my finest hour. I complain, but this is the life I've been building for myself. So ... time for some creative destruction I guess.
On the bright side I've recently realized I've been getting sub-par sleep for MONTHS* and have a fix in place starting this week, so I can hopefully look forward to a more awake, less moody context to operate in. I was hoping to start last night but forgot my cat was debuting her new play "At Night we Howl" with repeat performances on the hour. Alas.
*The thing about sleep apnea is it kind of sneaks up on you. One day you just realize you're always exhausted and have been for a while.
I go through cycles where I get fixated on someone that, in retrospect was never going to work out, which plays out the same way every time. So now I have some big dumb feelings that need to run their big dumb course. Of course. Again.
It feels like the universe is so bored with teaching me with this lesson that it really half-assed it this time. My nose rubbed in it as if to say, "No! Bad dog! Jesus Fucking Christ, learn the lesson!"
I'm bored with it too, tbh. I know better. When I'm taking care of myself I'm less of a freakshow and tend to click with people better. And I know the click is what I'm going for. Meeting someone and just feeling the connection at some point. You get me, I get you and we will be spending some time together. Or, you smell like home to me and I smell like home to you and we will be spending a lot of time together. Probably naked. Preferably both, but either works.
God, I really let things go this time. Not my finest hour. I complain, but this is the life I've been building for myself. So ... time for some creative destruction I guess.
On the bright side I've recently realized I've been getting sub-par sleep for MONTHS* and have a fix in place starting this week, so I can hopefully look forward to a more awake, less moody context to operate in. I was hoping to start last night but forgot my cat was debuting her new play "At Night we Howl" with repeat performances on the hour. Alas.
*The thing about sleep apnea is it kind of sneaks up on you. One day you just realize you're always exhausted and have been for a while.
We're on the Road to Nowhere
I just finished Matter by Ian Banks and enjoyed it tremendously. I was browsing some reviews though, and someone said something along the lines of "why does this novel exist? Anything that needs to be said about the Culture has already been said." I was immediately reminded that while I love books, I do not always love the way the culture around books talks about books.
I think there is this idea, which I consider ill-advised at best, pretentious and snobby at worst, that thinks ideas in SF have to be new and fresh. New and fresh ideas are a grand thing and they certainly drive important things to the continuation of publishing houses like sales, but I'm not entirely certain every story has to contain a vital uniqueness to be worthwhile. There is this sense that the ideas in SF. They are going Somewhere and we can't muck about with things we have already discussed when we have to Get There.
Is this true? Are we Getting Somewhere in SF? Are we progressing to an Important Revelation before we die? Is it urgent we get there, mortality still an undeniable reality for biological organisms on this planet? Is "I like this world and like to linger here a while" not sufficient? It is for me, but maybe my tastes are simple. At least, it works for me at the moment. In general I think it's wiser in reviewing books (as Austin Kleon once advised) just to say "this wasn't for me." if you didn't like it. This Didn't Move the Genre Forward in Ways I Think are Important is a fine to argue I suppose, but it rests on more precarious pedestal and obligates more argumentation in support. You basically need to define the start and end points in order to argue for the concept of "forward" for one thing. Where do you think all this is going? Why do you think it is important?
This is all small beans of course. Just part of the greater We Are Getting Somewhere mindset that our civilization is steadily marching towards in a hundred different directions. Progress! Well, iteration, the concept we most like to confuse with progress. Progress of course is a term we like to leave as nebulous as possible so it can reasonably be applied as a descriptor to "the Next Thing I Want to Do."
Are cell phones progressing? Does each new iteration of the iphone get us somewhere? Will the Ultimate iPhones eventually save us all? Is new always better. Is 2.0 generally a categorical improvement of 1.0? Technically it's just the thing that came later, isn't it?
Medical technology is advancing, but what does that mean? We are surely more adept at saving and extending life that we used to be, which is great. But for everyone? Are we better at delivering medical care to more people? If we save their life but leave them bankrupt have we not just destroyed their life in another way? Is it possible that is the more important measure of progress in the medical field?
The sciences in general seem more amenable to a straightforward definition of progress in the steady accumulation of knowledge. Bringing this back around to literature, how would you define progress in literature? How does SF progress? How does Fantasy progress? How does Romance progress? How would you possibly define progress here anyway? I mean theoretically you might say it helps increase our knowledge of the human condition by relating aspects of the same. So maybe it helps us be better people, although, of course, not necessarily!
So how are we progressing as People? What's the point of iterating concepts or technology towards some nebulous goal if we are still petty jerks about everything? What's the point of anything if we aren't better people by the end of it? And how would we define that? Do we all need to agree on what that means or just have a defensible definition?
What are we building here? What important goal are we working towards before we die? In what ways would trying to answer those questions be counterproductive? People talk about it like they know, but I don't think they do. We're too busy talking about what's next instead of what's good.
I think there is this idea, which I consider ill-advised at best, pretentious and snobby at worst, that thinks ideas in SF have to be new and fresh. New and fresh ideas are a grand thing and they certainly drive important things to the continuation of publishing houses like sales, but I'm not entirely certain every story has to contain a vital uniqueness to be worthwhile. There is this sense that the ideas in SF. They are going Somewhere and we can't muck about with things we have already discussed when we have to Get There.
Is this true? Are we Getting Somewhere in SF? Are we progressing to an Important Revelation before we die? Is it urgent we get there, mortality still an undeniable reality for biological organisms on this planet? Is "I like this world and like to linger here a while" not sufficient? It is for me, but maybe my tastes are simple. At least, it works for me at the moment. In general I think it's wiser in reviewing books (as Austin Kleon once advised) just to say "this wasn't for me." if you didn't like it. This Didn't Move the Genre Forward in Ways I Think are Important is a fine to argue I suppose, but it rests on more precarious pedestal and obligates more argumentation in support. You basically need to define the start and end points in order to argue for the concept of "forward" for one thing. Where do you think all this is going? Why do you think it is important?
This is all small beans of course. Just part of the greater We Are Getting Somewhere mindset that our civilization is steadily marching towards in a hundred different directions. Progress! Well, iteration, the concept we most like to confuse with progress. Progress of course is a term we like to leave as nebulous as possible so it can reasonably be applied as a descriptor to "the Next Thing I Want to Do."
Are cell phones progressing? Does each new iteration of the iphone get us somewhere? Will the Ultimate iPhones eventually save us all? Is new always better. Is 2.0 generally a categorical improvement of 1.0? Technically it's just the thing that came later, isn't it?
Medical technology is advancing, but what does that mean? We are surely more adept at saving and extending life that we used to be, which is great. But for everyone? Are we better at delivering medical care to more people? If we save their life but leave them bankrupt have we not just destroyed their life in another way? Is it possible that is the more important measure of progress in the medical field?
The sciences in general seem more amenable to a straightforward definition of progress in the steady accumulation of knowledge. Bringing this back around to literature, how would you define progress in literature? How does SF progress? How does Fantasy progress? How does Romance progress? How would you possibly define progress here anyway? I mean theoretically you might say it helps increase our knowledge of the human condition by relating aspects of the same. So maybe it helps us be better people, although, of course, not necessarily!
So how are we progressing as People? What's the point of iterating concepts or technology towards some nebulous goal if we are still petty jerks about everything? What's the point of anything if we aren't better people by the end of it? And how would we define that? Do we all need to agree on what that means or just have a defensible definition?
What are we building here? What important goal are we working towards before we die? In what ways would trying to answer those questions be counterproductive? People talk about it like they know, but I don't think they do. We're too busy talking about what's next instead of what's good.
Friday, August 24, 2018
How to be Alone and Miserable in Portland, OR
There may come in a time in your big city life where you might say to yourself, "this city is great, but what can I do about all these incredibly inconvenient people?" Do not fear. While there is no ethical justification for wielding your impressive powers of magnetic manipulation to create a fearsome barrier of robots, missiles and mutants between you and the outside world, you too can alienate yourself from human society by diligently following these simple tips.
It all starts with the attitude, specifically a bad one. And a bad attitude starts with personal unhappiness, insecurity and ridiculously poor self-esteem. You don't like anyone and you don't like yourself. If you're having trouble with the former, start with the latter. The good news is, once you get the cycle churning, isolation and alienation will serve as an endless source of insecurity and alienation, feeding your bad attitude. That's right, we've discovered a perpetual emotion device! Of course, as moody introverts we are not inclined to share it.
Don't go out. There are many exciting and soul-destroying ways to stay in. It is important not to improve yourself when you stay in. That may give you potentially interesting things to talk about or, god forbid, a sizable boost of self-esteem that may undermine this whole project. Binge Netflix. Play video games, the more addictive the better. Many modern games are more or less designed along the same lines as video slots as it is very well known that random rewards at the right frequency are very addictive. The more you sit at home mindlessly pulling that lever the less you'll have to talk about and the unhappier you will be. Stay at home. Sit on your ass. Pull the lever. Wonder why you have no friends and never meet people and have nothing to talk about when you do. Let the answering sorrow that attends those questions give you the strength to pull that lever. World of Warcraft is a wonderful game to play when you hate yourself. When in doubt, dissociate, dissociate, dissociate. Dissociation is a wonderful time machine that you exit exactly as unhappily as you entered.
Don't go to parties. Or if you do leave early, because you don't belong there. You don't fit in with those people. You made a complete ass of yourself. They're all just self-interested jerks anyway. Just carelessly happy like a bunch of IDIOTS. Hate them, hate yourself. Go home. Of course, you don't hate them, this is all projection. Just another stupid thing you do to sabotage yourself. Stupid! Why do they invite you to these things anyway? (Don't worry, they will stop).
Never reach out. Never give any sign that you are happy they have reached out. They probably didn't mean it. They probably wouldn't like you anyway. They're probably a bunch of jerks who don't understand what you understand. It probably wouldn't work out. When they start avoiding you in public because they, for some reason, think you don't like them, it will just be another reason to be mad at yourself. Stupid! But also: awesome.
Convince yourself that you are just taking the space you need to get your head together, but resolutely refuse to create a quiet space to get your head together. Procrastination will serve you well here. How can you take time for yourself when you urgently need to clean up a mess you should have dealt with weeks ago? Don't worry, you will get your head together after this crisis. Or maybe after the three you have stacked up right behind it.
Nurture that sense of not belonging anywhere. Ignore any rational thought process that insists that can't possibly be true. Do not look up community events, meet-up groups, churches, sports competitions or community drinking establishments. Loudly lament that you can't find your people anywhere and have no idea where to look. You must be from Mars. They must not be anywhere. Poor you. Poor sad, lonely you.
Don't know yourself. It turns out to be incredibly easy to not find people who share you values when you have no earthly idea what your values actually are. Who are your people? How would you know? You don't know! Good work.
Form an unhealthy relationship with your phone. Pick it up for no reason. Scroll mindlessly. Suddenly wake up and wonder why you phone is in your hand and wonder what you are doing. Oh right, you wanted to check the weather. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Wait, what were you doing? Oh right, the weather. Oh wait. Your brain is mush. You won't be able to get through a sentence in public without habitually picking up your phone to scroll a feed of some sort. This phone is your LIFE, but you couldn't say why. Keep it up!
Blame it on your introversion. Or on extroverts. It is the same thing. Did you zone out while your last friend was sharing a secret heartache with you? I'm sorry, you are introvert and they will have to understand. Were you a fantastic jerk at that party? Such is the burden of introversion. Did you scowl at that woman who had the stunning audacity to be carelessly happy? Sorry babe, total introvert here. Remember, you are never responsible for your behavior so long as you have your introversion to hide behind. Introversion: sword and shield. Wield it well.
If you follow these simple tips, you too can generate the veritable fountain of angst that stems from longing for human contact but rendering yourself unable to generate or sustain it. Good luck you sorry sad sacks. I'd say I'm rooting for you, but I hate you all.
In the meantime I'll be over here wondering "when, oh when, will I find my place in the world?" Just about never if I play my cards right! I'm not only president, I'm also a member.
It all starts with the attitude, specifically a bad one. And a bad attitude starts with personal unhappiness, insecurity and ridiculously poor self-esteem. You don't like anyone and you don't like yourself. If you're having trouble with the former, start with the latter. The good news is, once you get the cycle churning, isolation and alienation will serve as an endless source of insecurity and alienation, feeding your bad attitude. That's right, we've discovered a perpetual emotion device! Of course, as moody introverts we are not inclined to share it.
Don't go out. There are many exciting and soul-destroying ways to stay in. It is important not to improve yourself when you stay in. That may give you potentially interesting things to talk about or, god forbid, a sizable boost of self-esteem that may undermine this whole project. Binge Netflix. Play video games, the more addictive the better. Many modern games are more or less designed along the same lines as video slots as it is very well known that random rewards at the right frequency are very addictive. The more you sit at home mindlessly pulling that lever the less you'll have to talk about and the unhappier you will be. Stay at home. Sit on your ass. Pull the lever. Wonder why you have no friends and never meet people and have nothing to talk about when you do. Let the answering sorrow that attends those questions give you the strength to pull that lever. World of Warcraft is a wonderful game to play when you hate yourself. When in doubt, dissociate, dissociate, dissociate. Dissociation is a wonderful time machine that you exit exactly as unhappily as you entered.
Don't go to parties. Or if you do leave early, because you don't belong there. You don't fit in with those people. You made a complete ass of yourself. They're all just self-interested jerks anyway. Just carelessly happy like a bunch of IDIOTS. Hate them, hate yourself. Go home. Of course, you don't hate them, this is all projection. Just another stupid thing you do to sabotage yourself. Stupid! Why do they invite you to these things anyway? (Don't worry, they will stop).
Never reach out. Never give any sign that you are happy they have reached out. They probably didn't mean it. They probably wouldn't like you anyway. They're probably a bunch of jerks who don't understand what you understand. It probably wouldn't work out. When they start avoiding you in public because they, for some reason, think you don't like them, it will just be another reason to be mad at yourself. Stupid! But also: awesome.
Convince yourself that you are just taking the space you need to get your head together, but resolutely refuse to create a quiet space to get your head together. Procrastination will serve you well here. How can you take time for yourself when you urgently need to clean up a mess you should have dealt with weeks ago? Don't worry, you will get your head together after this crisis. Or maybe after the three you have stacked up right behind it.
Nurture that sense of not belonging anywhere. Ignore any rational thought process that insists that can't possibly be true. Do not look up community events, meet-up groups, churches, sports competitions or community drinking establishments. Loudly lament that you can't find your people anywhere and have no idea where to look. You must be from Mars. They must not be anywhere. Poor you. Poor sad, lonely you.
Don't know yourself. It turns out to be incredibly easy to not find people who share you values when you have no earthly idea what your values actually are. Who are your people? How would you know? You don't know! Good work.
Form an unhealthy relationship with your phone. Pick it up for no reason. Scroll mindlessly. Suddenly wake up and wonder why you phone is in your hand and wonder what you are doing. Oh right, you wanted to check the weather. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Wait, what were you doing? Oh right, the weather. Oh wait. Your brain is mush. You won't be able to get through a sentence in public without habitually picking up your phone to scroll a feed of some sort. This phone is your LIFE, but you couldn't say why. Keep it up!
Blame it on your introversion. Or on extroverts. It is the same thing. Did you zone out while your last friend was sharing a secret heartache with you? I'm sorry, you are introvert and they will have to understand. Were you a fantastic jerk at that party? Such is the burden of introversion. Did you scowl at that woman who had the stunning audacity to be carelessly happy? Sorry babe, total introvert here. Remember, you are never responsible for your behavior so long as you have your introversion to hide behind. Introversion: sword and shield. Wield it well.
If you follow these simple tips, you too can generate the veritable fountain of angst that stems from longing for human contact but rendering yourself unable to generate or sustain it. Good luck you sorry sad sacks. I'd say I'm rooting for you, but I hate you all.
In the meantime I'll be over here wondering "when, oh when, will I find my place in the world?" Just about never if I play my cards right! I'm not only president, I'm also a member.
Friday, August 17, 2018
The 12 Labors
When every soul incarnates on this earth (or someplace like it), the great god Zeus (or some reasonable facsimile) sends the swift god mercury (or at least something zippy with wings) to assign 12 important labors during their time on Earth (or wherever). It is not a punishment, it is not the law, but if you're not going to bother checking off the list, we hope you'll enjoy reincarnation and another exciting opportunity to finish your homework.
These are the labors Zeus (I think) has given you in the year of our lord 2018. They number 12 (ish).
1st Labor. You are to survive your childhood with your spirit intact. There are few true actual, verifiable adults, in the larger multi-contextual cosmic definition of adult, on this planet and so the over-grown children who end up raising you will undoubtedly mess it up in any number of exciting ways. Your job is to survive inattentiveness, over-protectiveness, religious hoo-ha, corporal punishment and all the attendant mind fucks they will inflict on you in order to make you a "productive adult" which rarely happens here. Your job is to learn what is wisdom and what is the unresolved emotional issue of an over-grown child and guard the former while discarding the latter. Unhappy "adults" will attempt to beat the joy out of you over the course of 18 years or so. Do not let them. As you will likely never become a cosmically mature adult over the course of your time here, and the assaults on your spirit will not magically relent over time, you are instructed to continue guarding your spirit indefinitely.
2nd Labor. You must leave your religion. This is not to say you must lose your faith, but you must lose blind devotion to any institution, blind devotion to any institution is by definition religious, and question authority. Especially institutions or authorities that would prefer you not question and instead maintain a blind devotion. Earth is certainly does not lack for institutions who will try to impose a definition of "exactly how it is and it is no different." and holy crap are they wrong. We're all laughing up here at how ludicrously wrong they are, honestly. Zeus is certainly not neutral on the existence and goodness of Zeus, but you also don't have to take someone else's word for it. Think for yourself. The great thing about Zeus is all roads lead back to Zeus (or Athena or the Star Goat or Ethical principles arrived at via Reason and Study or what have you).
3rd Labor. Do not buy what they are selling you. You will be bombarded from an early age, left in the tender care of an sophisticated advertising industry by the stressed out over-grown children that are your parents who are only too happy to let the TV babysit you for 30 goddamn minutes of quiet time, by a barrage of messages indicating you are the best and most central person that has ever existed so long as you buy, buy buy. Products are fun to buy, products are at times necessary to buy, but you may discard the entire messaging industry surround the purchasing of products as the manipulative bullshit it is. Your job is to resist manipulation in all forms, from flattery to insults designed to provoke a sense of insecurity. Humans on earth have developed an extensive machine designed to destroy of obfuscate all context that is not consumerism, so you will have to be vigilant and proactive about resisting and destroying that machine. This labor will last your whole life, so pace yourself.
4th Labor. Give a damn about something other than yourself. People will tell you selfishness leads to the highest good, but they are wrong. Take care of yourself yes, but establishing a context which does not have you at the apex is crucial to walking the Earth as something other than a self-absorbed psychopath, because self-absorbed psychopaths are not fun at parties. You're nice and all, but you're no Zeus. Leave the over-weening, if well-deserved, self-congratulation and adoration to Him. Or Her. Or whoever.
5th Labor. Discover your purpose. You are likely to be born into a society of wealthy hoarders who will tell you hoarding wealth is the highest good and most noble purpose. This is so laughably untrue Zeus can't aim his smite lightning correctly he's laughing so hard (or Athena her bow, or Zarquon his mutation ray). Hoarding wealth looks great to tragically unmedicated hoarders, but there are hundreds if not thousands if not millions of better and more attractive purposes that you will find fulfilling and will help you get laid at parties (getting laid at parties is fine, but not in and of itself likely to be a satisfying lifetime purpose). Not every purpose is for every person, you will probably have to try a few on before you find one you like. This process may take a while so do not give up.
6th Labor. Know what you know and know what you don't know. Embrace humility as the consequence of and only path to knowledge. You're here to learn (see the 10th Labor), and you can't do that if you think you already know everything. Trust Zeus, his messengers, the Goddess Athena and the Benevolent Star Goat Balthazar, you arrive here a blank slate and even the most diligent of students will leave having experienced and learned only a tiny fraction of the greater cosmic reality. The sooner you willingly embrace how little you truly know, the sooner you can get out of your own way and start learning some interesting and useful things in the short time you are given here. To quote one of your most famous philosophers: It's a great big universe, and we're all really puny. Except Zeus. Oof, is he BIG.
7th Labor. Develop whatever personal practice will lead you to internal peace and external kindness. Your time here is too short to spend it at war with yourself and everyone around you. There is a calm at the center of the storm. Find it.
8th Labor. Hold the line against evil without becoming it. There are lost people and corrosive ideologies and flat out evil ideas that are hostile to human bodies and souls alive in this world. They will act and so must you. Your job is to know what is evil and what is not and why. It is further to your job to oppose it in word or deed as necessary, without becoming it yourself. This is, at times, tricky and you are likely to fuck it up. Don't give up! There is nothing evil would rather you believe than it is too hard to oppose evil or too hard to think about silly things like ethics and philosophy. It is not. Know what your ethics are and how they guide your behavior. A well-grounded set of ethical principles will see you through the hardest of times. If your ethics lead you to evil acts or lead you to fail to defend against evil acts then revise, revise, revise.
9th Labor. You must become a better person every day. You'll notice a lack of specificity in the wording of some of these labors. What is evil? What is better? It is part of your job to figure it out. It is a perfectly human response to dissociate and check out and just get by without really thinking about what it means to be a good person and what it means to be better. But your job is not to dissociate, your job is to try. The counter-productive and perfectly human tendencies that inhibit your growth are presented as another exciting opportunity for you to grow and overcome. You may thank Zeus at your leisure. Address all complaints to the Benevolent Star Goat Balthazar.
10th Labor. You have to learn. You have been designed from the ground up to learn automatically every day. Your feelings, your reactions, you instincts, all learned reactions to stimulus. That unconscious learning is a gimme, a value-added product offered free of charge by Zeus, Athena and the grand pantheon of interstellar gods, deities and notable quotables. Conscious learning is then your responsibility. Look, if you're not going to bother, then this whole thing is just a big waste of time. Learn. Learn something interesting and share it with someone else. Zeus commands it.
11th Labor. Help. We're all in this together whether we like it or not. Take care of someone else and they take care of you. That is the deal. That is the best of life as a social primate. Hell is other people but help is other people too. I am sorry, but I don't make the rules. Zeus does! Be a helper. Big yellow birds and kind, be-sweatered men have known for centuries what science is confirming today: helping works.
12th Labor. Die well. Greet the end of your life with no regrets. It doesn't matter than you didn't get it all done, it matters that you tried. It matters that you spent your time well in a way you will not regret at your last breath. Leave a legacy of art, family, friends and ideas who embody what you thought was best in life. Perform your labors and die satisfied. This is Zeus's final task for you, although the Star Goat has also signed off on it.
12ish Labor. More of a reminder really. A rider. An addendum. A "just so you know." You only get the one body and must maintain it yourself. No trade-ins, no do-overs, no fancier models are currently available. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
These are the labors Zeus (I think) has given you in the year of our lord 2018. They number 12 (ish).
1st Labor. You are to survive your childhood with your spirit intact. There are few true actual, verifiable adults, in the larger multi-contextual cosmic definition of adult, on this planet and so the over-grown children who end up raising you will undoubtedly mess it up in any number of exciting ways. Your job is to survive inattentiveness, over-protectiveness, religious hoo-ha, corporal punishment and all the attendant mind fucks they will inflict on you in order to make you a "productive adult" which rarely happens here. Your job is to learn what is wisdom and what is the unresolved emotional issue of an over-grown child and guard the former while discarding the latter. Unhappy "adults" will attempt to beat the joy out of you over the course of 18 years or so. Do not let them. As you will likely never become a cosmically mature adult over the course of your time here, and the assaults on your spirit will not magically relent over time, you are instructed to continue guarding your spirit indefinitely.
2nd Labor. You must leave your religion. This is not to say you must lose your faith, but you must lose blind devotion to any institution, blind devotion to any institution is by definition religious, and question authority. Especially institutions or authorities that would prefer you not question and instead maintain a blind devotion. Earth is certainly does not lack for institutions who will try to impose a definition of "exactly how it is and it is no different." and holy crap are they wrong. We're all laughing up here at how ludicrously wrong they are, honestly. Zeus is certainly not neutral on the existence and goodness of Zeus, but you also don't have to take someone else's word for it. Think for yourself. The great thing about Zeus is all roads lead back to Zeus (or Athena or the Star Goat or Ethical principles arrived at via Reason and Study or what have you).
3rd Labor. Do not buy what they are selling you. You will be bombarded from an early age, left in the tender care of an sophisticated advertising industry by the stressed out over-grown children that are your parents who are only too happy to let the TV babysit you for 30 goddamn minutes of quiet time, by a barrage of messages indicating you are the best and most central person that has ever existed so long as you buy, buy buy. Products are fun to buy, products are at times necessary to buy, but you may discard the entire messaging industry surround the purchasing of products as the manipulative bullshit it is. Your job is to resist manipulation in all forms, from flattery to insults designed to provoke a sense of insecurity. Humans on earth have developed an extensive machine designed to destroy of obfuscate all context that is not consumerism, so you will have to be vigilant and proactive about resisting and destroying that machine. This labor will last your whole life, so pace yourself.
4th Labor. Give a damn about something other than yourself. People will tell you selfishness leads to the highest good, but they are wrong. Take care of yourself yes, but establishing a context which does not have you at the apex is crucial to walking the Earth as something other than a self-absorbed psychopath, because self-absorbed psychopaths are not fun at parties. You're nice and all, but you're no Zeus. Leave the over-weening, if well-deserved, self-congratulation and adoration to Him. Or Her. Or whoever.
5th Labor. Discover your purpose. You are likely to be born into a society of wealthy hoarders who will tell you hoarding wealth is the highest good and most noble purpose. This is so laughably untrue Zeus can't aim his smite lightning correctly he's laughing so hard (or Athena her bow, or Zarquon his mutation ray). Hoarding wealth looks great to tragically unmedicated hoarders, but there are hundreds if not thousands if not millions of better and more attractive purposes that you will find fulfilling and will help you get laid at parties (getting laid at parties is fine, but not in and of itself likely to be a satisfying lifetime purpose). Not every purpose is for every person, you will probably have to try a few on before you find one you like. This process may take a while so do not give up.
6th Labor. Know what you know and know what you don't know. Embrace humility as the consequence of and only path to knowledge. You're here to learn (see the 10th Labor), and you can't do that if you think you already know everything. Trust Zeus, his messengers, the Goddess Athena and the Benevolent Star Goat Balthazar, you arrive here a blank slate and even the most diligent of students will leave having experienced and learned only a tiny fraction of the greater cosmic reality. The sooner you willingly embrace how little you truly know, the sooner you can get out of your own way and start learning some interesting and useful things in the short time you are given here. To quote one of your most famous philosophers: It's a great big universe, and we're all really puny. Except Zeus. Oof, is he BIG.
7th Labor. Develop whatever personal practice will lead you to internal peace and external kindness. Your time here is too short to spend it at war with yourself and everyone around you. There is a calm at the center of the storm. Find it.
8th Labor. Hold the line against evil without becoming it. There are lost people and corrosive ideologies and flat out evil ideas that are hostile to human bodies and souls alive in this world. They will act and so must you. Your job is to know what is evil and what is not and why. It is further to your job to oppose it in word or deed as necessary, without becoming it yourself. This is, at times, tricky and you are likely to fuck it up. Don't give up! There is nothing evil would rather you believe than it is too hard to oppose evil or too hard to think about silly things like ethics and philosophy. It is not. Know what your ethics are and how they guide your behavior. A well-grounded set of ethical principles will see you through the hardest of times. If your ethics lead you to evil acts or lead you to fail to defend against evil acts then revise, revise, revise.
9th Labor. You must become a better person every day. You'll notice a lack of specificity in the wording of some of these labors. What is evil? What is better? It is part of your job to figure it out. It is a perfectly human response to dissociate and check out and just get by without really thinking about what it means to be a good person and what it means to be better. But your job is not to dissociate, your job is to try. The counter-productive and perfectly human tendencies that inhibit your growth are presented as another exciting opportunity for you to grow and overcome. You may thank Zeus at your leisure. Address all complaints to the Benevolent Star Goat Balthazar.
10th Labor. You have to learn. You have been designed from the ground up to learn automatically every day. Your feelings, your reactions, you instincts, all learned reactions to stimulus. That unconscious learning is a gimme, a value-added product offered free of charge by Zeus, Athena and the grand pantheon of interstellar gods, deities and notable quotables. Conscious learning is then your responsibility. Look, if you're not going to bother, then this whole thing is just a big waste of time. Learn. Learn something interesting and share it with someone else. Zeus commands it.
11th Labor. Help. We're all in this together whether we like it or not. Take care of someone else and they take care of you. That is the deal. That is the best of life as a social primate. Hell is other people but help is other people too. I am sorry, but I don't make the rules. Zeus does! Be a helper. Big yellow birds and kind, be-sweatered men have known for centuries what science is confirming today: helping works.
12th Labor. Die well. Greet the end of your life with no regrets. It doesn't matter than you didn't get it all done, it matters that you tried. It matters that you spent your time well in a way you will not regret at your last breath. Leave a legacy of art, family, friends and ideas who embody what you thought was best in life. Perform your labors and die satisfied. This is Zeus's final task for you, although the Star Goat has also signed off on it.
12ish Labor. More of a reminder really. A rider. An addendum. A "just so you know." You only get the one body and must maintain it yourself. No trade-ins, no do-overs, no fancier models are currently available. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
Tuesday, August 07, 2018
Status Update
Circling the drain!
I ran out of money this week in a monumental cock-up on my part. It surprised me when it shouldn't have for one, and for two I have been in denial about a couple of financial realities for a while now. The most salient aspect of which is that my rent has gone up $500 since I've moved here and my salary halved a year ago. So I need to get a room mate or, more likely, move in the next month or so. I have a loan against my retirement account I am trying to get started, but the office for that is not calling me back for reasons I don't entirely understand. Anyway, shit is fucked up and bullshit and it's entirely my fault.
I've been spending a lot of time at a diner I like, with people I like, but it's $15 a breakfast every day which added up quick. So between eating out too much and over-priced rent I've blown through entirely too much money and that was stupid. But the diner was my social life on life support and my apartment is in an area of town I really like (not even fancy, rents here are just stupid now thanks to capitalisms tendency to destroy communities).
So if my benefits ever finds the time to call me back (I will be going up the command chain at the end of the week if I haven't heard back yet, because jesus christ what the fuck is the hold-up). I should be able to get through the next month and move and that will be change, good or bad. Although at this point in my life any change is likely good.
But otherwise I am still stagnant, still isolated, with no community or purpose to latch on to. It is not fun and I don't recommend it to anyone.
All I've really wanted for a long time now is a little quiet and I just can't create it for myself. Working from home is a misery because my cat drives me nuts. If I hadn't had her for 12 years or so and she wasn't already dying of kidney failure I might give her away. I had a life bond with my other cat, may he rest in peace, but this one has always been a more ... mercurial relationship. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's the worst. But she actively hates peace, quiet and concentration and some writers like to play that off as cute, but it drives me nuts because she's not actually teaching me important life lessons when I can't get my fucking work done. Gah. Did I mention she's dying and I feel incredibly guilty for being frustrated with her all the time? It's true. She's going to Actually Die at some point and I'm going to feel terrible about this last year.
But I digress. I just want quiet and I need to work harder at creating that. I'd love 6 months on an island or a sanitarium but I'll settle for a quiet home life for a while. I don't know, something. A purpose, an opportunity, a connection. Some god damn thing.
I just don't understand why I basically don't function anymore socially or productively and I don't know what to do about it. And I'm too broke for therapy! But hey, I have a blog where I can ramble/whine about it. Which is SOMETHING.
I get invited to drinks and whatnot but I don't really feel like I fit in so I don't have a good time. I mean transparently the problem is my self-esteem is cratered and I don't really do anything interesting worth talking about anymore aside from reading a few good books. But I feel 1000% percent more boring when I go out with people. I just don't have a lot to say anymore and I'm not too happy so I'm not fun to be around. Also I have a stupid unrequited crush that is a bad idea and I know that because I've done this 20 times before, but here I am again.
I really desperately need to get out of the house on the cheap. I should probably start volunteering somewhere at the very least. Maybe try some meditation groups or buddhist churches. Part of the problem is I'm desperately unhappy but not really sure what I actually want to do instead of what I'm doing, even though it would likely be better to be doing literally anything else than playing video games and hating myself. I'd probably be fine if I could find somewhere to just put my head down and work in a small group for a while. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my cat to die before making any big life changes which suuuuuucks for all involved.
Anyway, I continue to hate this whole big stupid phase of my life. When I figure out how to stop being so stubbornly unhappy maybe I'll have a better update.
I ran out of money this week in a monumental cock-up on my part. It surprised me when it shouldn't have for one, and for two I have been in denial about a couple of financial realities for a while now. The most salient aspect of which is that my rent has gone up $500 since I've moved here and my salary halved a year ago. So I need to get a room mate or, more likely, move in the next month or so. I have a loan against my retirement account I am trying to get started, but the office for that is not calling me back for reasons I don't entirely understand. Anyway, shit is fucked up and bullshit and it's entirely my fault.
I've been spending a lot of time at a diner I like, with people I like, but it's $15 a breakfast every day which added up quick. So between eating out too much and over-priced rent I've blown through entirely too much money and that was stupid. But the diner was my social life on life support and my apartment is in an area of town I really like (not even fancy, rents here are just stupid now thanks to capitalisms tendency to destroy communities).
So if my benefits ever finds the time to call me back (I will be going up the command chain at the end of the week if I haven't heard back yet, because jesus christ what the fuck is the hold-up). I should be able to get through the next month and move and that will be change, good or bad. Although at this point in my life any change is likely good.
But otherwise I am still stagnant, still isolated, with no community or purpose to latch on to. It is not fun and I don't recommend it to anyone.
All I've really wanted for a long time now is a little quiet and I just can't create it for myself. Working from home is a misery because my cat drives me nuts. If I hadn't had her for 12 years or so and she wasn't already dying of kidney failure I might give her away. I had a life bond with my other cat, may he rest in peace, but this one has always been a more ... mercurial relationship. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's the worst. But she actively hates peace, quiet and concentration and some writers like to play that off as cute, but it drives me nuts because she's not actually teaching me important life lessons when I can't get my fucking work done. Gah. Did I mention she's dying and I feel incredibly guilty for being frustrated with her all the time? It's true. She's going to Actually Die at some point and I'm going to feel terrible about this last year.
But I digress. I just want quiet and I need to work harder at creating that. I'd love 6 months on an island or a sanitarium but I'll settle for a quiet home life for a while. I don't know, something. A purpose, an opportunity, a connection. Some god damn thing.
I just don't understand why I basically don't function anymore socially or productively and I don't know what to do about it. And I'm too broke for therapy! But hey, I have a blog where I can ramble/whine about it. Which is SOMETHING.
I get invited to drinks and whatnot but I don't really feel like I fit in so I don't have a good time. I mean transparently the problem is my self-esteem is cratered and I don't really do anything interesting worth talking about anymore aside from reading a few good books. But I feel 1000% percent more boring when I go out with people. I just don't have a lot to say anymore and I'm not too happy so I'm not fun to be around. Also I have a stupid unrequited crush that is a bad idea and I know that because I've done this 20 times before, but here I am again.
I really desperately need to get out of the house on the cheap. I should probably start volunteering somewhere at the very least. Maybe try some meditation groups or buddhist churches. Part of the problem is I'm desperately unhappy but not really sure what I actually want to do instead of what I'm doing, even though it would likely be better to be doing literally anything else than playing video games and hating myself. I'd probably be fine if I could find somewhere to just put my head down and work in a small group for a while. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my cat to die before making any big life changes which suuuuuucks for all involved.
Anyway, I continue to hate this whole big stupid phase of my life. When I figure out how to stop being so stubbornly unhappy maybe I'll have a better update.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
What rough beasts
I think a lot about "psychic weather." The ebb and flow of ideas, thoughts and moods that blow through a population. I mean, I think there are prosaic explanations for the moods and memetic ideas and how they move through the population of a very social species. For instance, the way panic moves through a crowd does not require a supernatural or paranormal psychic explanation. Primate social dynamics likely suffice. Still, if we're just talking about the felt experience of the world, I think about psychic weather because it feels like such terrible storms are forming everywhere.
Maybe weather is the wrong metaphor. Maybe it's memetic beasts run rampant, inspiring smug rationalizations for cruelty and and a terrible, hateful animosity for the other in every host they find. Maybe there are vast fields of space with energy gradients we can't yet measure that affect the whole species and we just drifted into the Hateful Asshole nebula. Maybe it's a particularly pernicious set of ideas that have developed a life of their own.
I don't really know. All I know is there is an ugly, spiteful spirit loose in the world and I don't like it. Further, I can see who the bad actors are. Assholes aren't subtle and you can tell who is wallowing in the worst version of themselves and who is egging them on. And what I really don't like is how few concrete and organized responses in favor of kindness, community, aiding the needy and loving the other exist. I don't know who I would point to as leading the counter-charge against the truly malignant forces currently challenging the post world-war democratic order. Everyone else either seems asleep, or outraged but helpless, or so deeply up their own ass they have yet to find their way back to daylight. And that I REALLY don't like. The ideas we value matter and they are not an inevitable force of the universe and we have to fight for them. I wish we understood that half as well as the "pain and suffering for you is corrective and incredibly convenient for me" and "we need a pure ethnostate that only likes ketchup" crowd does.
Maybe weather is the wrong metaphor. Maybe it's memetic beasts run rampant, inspiring smug rationalizations for cruelty and and a terrible, hateful animosity for the other in every host they find. Maybe there are vast fields of space with energy gradients we can't yet measure that affect the whole species and we just drifted into the Hateful Asshole nebula. Maybe it's a particularly pernicious set of ideas that have developed a life of their own.
I don't really know. All I know is there is an ugly, spiteful spirit loose in the world and I don't like it. Further, I can see who the bad actors are. Assholes aren't subtle and you can tell who is wallowing in the worst version of themselves and who is egging them on. And what I really don't like is how few concrete and organized responses in favor of kindness, community, aiding the needy and loving the other exist. I don't know who I would point to as leading the counter-charge against the truly malignant forces currently challenging the post world-war democratic order. Everyone else either seems asleep, or outraged but helpless, or so deeply up their own ass they have yet to find their way back to daylight. And that I REALLY don't like. The ideas we value matter and they are not an inevitable force of the universe and we have to fight for them. I wish we understood that half as well as the "pain and suffering for you is corrective and incredibly convenient for me" and "we need a pure ethnostate that only likes ketchup" crowd does.
Saturday, July 14, 2018
*the sound of a fighter plane crashing*
Ugh, I'm super bummed about another potentially exciting relationship down the drain. I keep telling myself that it's just that the timing is wrong, but the timing will always be wrong as long as I am this stupid, tragic version of myself who's barely functional and not in any shape to share my life with someone. Cannot wait to finally be past my bullahit.
Friday, July 13, 2018
Look to Windward
Look to Windward by Iain M. BanksMy rating: 4 of 5 stars
Extremely satisfying, as his books tend to be. Extended mediations on culture and mortality in truly fantastic and fascinating environments. I could read a whole series of books on the airspheres and giant floating creatures that essentially function as biological, if completely alien, versions of the Culture ships. The crescendo of tension as all the players came together in this one was particularly page-turning. Recommended.
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Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Inversions
Inversions by Iain M. BanksMy rating: 4 of 5 stars
While I generally like the Minds And Drones and ships and things, I liked this more subtle take on the series. Those things are there, they are just only obliquely mentioned and interpreted through the eyes of someone who could not possibly understand them. A good book on its own merits unrelated to the Culture, although I'm still struggling to unpack what the moral of the story was. It feels more like a snapshot of a Special Circumstances mission to a developing planet. However, it remains unclear what the culture intends to accomplish here, other than a general push away from barbarism. I guess part of the lesson was monarchies are not necessarily evil and populist revolts not necessarily good.
In any case, I liked it and recommend it and look forward to reading the rest of the books in the series.
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Friday, July 06, 2018
Excession
Excession by Iain M. BanksMy rating: 4 of 5 stars
I'm reading through the culture books in order, and this is one of my favorite so far. I'm not sure what I think of the Culture in general, but I find the universe interesting and compelling and I like hanging out there. While there is a lot going on here story-wise it largely feels like an extended contemplation of morality and mortality.
Sometimes it feels in these novels like the Minds are more people than the spoiled hedonists they coexist with, and sometimes it feels like they are scary, if generally benevolent, gods for all intents and purposes. That said, some of my favorite moments in this book were long conversations between ship Minds and how they differ from and relate to each other and bicker in ways that made me laugh out loud.
Good book. Good premise. Interesting Universe. Highly Recommended.
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Friday, June 29, 2018
ch-ch-ch-changes
I had a minor visit to the ER last weekend that while not life-threatening was extremely uncomfortable and more than a little embarrassing. But it put a fine point on the ways I have not been taking care of myself.
I also had a minor and partially caffeine-induced panic attack last night looking at my budget last night, but the ultimate message was the same as the ER visit: things cannot continue this way indefinitely. Also, it's incredibly frustrating to have 350k sitting in a retirement account with no access to it. Although now that I'm hourly instead of full-time I may have more than I thought. I will need to call them first thing next week to confirm. A one-time raid of my retirement account would help me a great deal.
I mean, first of all, thank god. I cannot remember a more hopeless or isolated time in my life. Largely the result of personal choices yes, but still. I have no idea what my purpose is or where I belong and it is maddening. I want to be useful I've just lost sight of how to be. A decade of anti-networking as some kind of massive self-own isn't helping either.
I am thinking seriously about what next steps are. I still want to write, but how to make words into money is still some time and practice away. I think I would to get into hospice grief counseling, as it seems important to me and I like the idea of bringing comfort to people according to their particular beliefs without needing to impose my particular beliefs on them. Death and dying is the one time your beliefs get to be your own without challenge and I find that comforting and refreshing.
In the meantime, I am looking for other work and have no idea what I'm doing. Still polishing up my resume, basically using some templates I found online. Kind of hesitant to keep going in data visualization, even though I really like it at times. Leery of corporate environments I guess. I like academia and might just try to stay there, even by going back to school, as little as I like the thought of more debt. Although applying to a tech company in Montreal has some appeal. Honestly, I am wide open to opportunities at this point, I just need to look for them.
In the nested meantime of the first meantime, I don't know what's going on with my cat. Some days she's great, other days less so. Her kidneys are clearly failing but it seems to be a slower process than with my dearly departed boy. I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for that to play out as well. Also, working from home is a misery with that cat. I love her, but she is anti-productivity or self-improvement as a general rule and it drives me nuts. Difficult all around.
But clearly things are changing. And have been changing. And I have wasted a lot of time and money with my head in the sand. And things cannot continue as they have indefinitely.
I also had a minor and partially caffeine-induced panic attack last night looking at my budget last night, but the ultimate message was the same as the ER visit: things cannot continue this way indefinitely. Also, it's incredibly frustrating to have 350k sitting in a retirement account with no access to it. Although now that I'm hourly instead of full-time I may have more than I thought. I will need to call them first thing next week to confirm. A one-time raid of my retirement account would help me a great deal.
I mean, first of all, thank god. I cannot remember a more hopeless or isolated time in my life. Largely the result of personal choices yes, but still. I have no idea what my purpose is or where I belong and it is maddening. I want to be useful I've just lost sight of how to be. A decade of anti-networking as some kind of massive self-own isn't helping either.
I am thinking seriously about what next steps are. I still want to write, but how to make words into money is still some time and practice away. I think I would to get into hospice grief counseling, as it seems important to me and I like the idea of bringing comfort to people according to their particular beliefs without needing to impose my particular beliefs on them. Death and dying is the one time your beliefs get to be your own without challenge and I find that comforting and refreshing.
In the meantime, I am looking for other work and have no idea what I'm doing. Still polishing up my resume, basically using some templates I found online. Kind of hesitant to keep going in data visualization, even though I really like it at times. Leery of corporate environments I guess. I like academia and might just try to stay there, even by going back to school, as little as I like the thought of more debt. Although applying to a tech company in Montreal has some appeal. Honestly, I am wide open to opportunities at this point, I just need to look for them.
In the nested meantime of the first meantime, I don't know what's going on with my cat. Some days she's great, other days less so. Her kidneys are clearly failing but it seems to be a slower process than with my dearly departed boy. I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for that to play out as well. Also, working from home is a misery with that cat. I love her, but she is anti-productivity or self-improvement as a general rule and it drives me nuts. Difficult all around.
But clearly things are changing. And have been changing. And I have wasted a lot of time and money with my head in the sand. And things cannot continue as they have indefinitely.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Thunderbird by Jack McDevitt
Thunderbird by Jack McDevittMy rating: 3 of 5 stars
3 stars is a little low, I should probably have given it 4. I really like McDevitt and his sensibilities in general. I just find it sad that the natural and inevitable conclusion of humanity finding a stargate turns out to be: we aren't ready. That said, given the current state of the world, I can't help but agree. I wanted to escape and instead got a poignant reminder of how far we have to go as a species in terms of culture and kindness.
Good book, as was the first, depressingly accurate read of the human race at present.
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