ch-ch-ch-changes

I had a minor visit to the ER last weekend that while not life-threatening was extremely uncomfortable and more than a little embarrassing. But it put a fine point on the ways I have not been taking care of myself.

I also had a minor and partially caffeine-induced panic attack last night looking at my budget last night, but the ultimate message was the same as the ER visit: things cannot continue this way indefinitely. Also, it's incredibly frustrating to have 350k sitting in a retirement account with no access to it. Although now that I'm hourly instead of full-time I may have more than I thought. I will need to call them first thing next week to confirm. A one-time raid of my retirement account would help me a great deal.

I mean, first of all, thank god. I cannot remember a more hopeless or isolated time in my life. Largely the result of personal choices yes, but still. I have no idea what my purpose is or where I belong and it is maddening. I want to be useful I've just lost sight of how to be. A decade of anti-networking as some kind of massive self-own isn't helping either.

I am thinking seriously about what next steps are. I still want to write, but how to make words into money is still some time and practice away. I think I would to get into hospice grief counseling, as it seems important to me and I like the idea of bringing comfort to people according to their particular beliefs without needing to impose my particular beliefs on them. Death and dying is the one time your beliefs get to be your own without challenge and I find that comforting and refreshing.

In the meantime, I am looking for other work and have no idea what I'm doing. Still polishing up my resume, basically using some templates I found online. Kind of hesitant to keep going in data visualization, even though I really like it at times. Leery of corporate environments I guess. I like academia and might just try to stay there, even by going back to school, as little as I like the thought of more debt. Although applying to a tech company in Montreal has some appeal. Honestly, I  am wide open to opportunities at this point, I just need to look for them.

In the nested meantime of the first meantime, I don't know what's going on with my cat.  Some days she's great, other days less so. Her kidneys are clearly failing but it seems to be a slower process than with my dearly departed boy. I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for that to play out as well. Also, working from home is a misery with that cat. I love her, but she is anti-productivity or self-improvement as a general rule and it drives me nuts. Difficult all around.

But clearly things are changing. And have been changing. And I have wasted a lot of time and money with my head in the sand.  And things cannot continue as they have indefinitely.