Stuck Schmuck

So I'm stuck still. I'm pretty sure I've written some version of the last post 3 times now. I guess I'm still chewing on it. I clearly need to read some more. As it turns out, people have thought through some of these thoughts before.

Like everyone and their dog*, I'm still thinking of starting a podcast. More to flex creative muscles than anything. Or even just to practice conversational skills that are clearly getting rusty. Or maybe talking to myself would feel more acceptable if I could claim it was a podcast.

Similarly, I've been thinking of doing a stand-up routine. Some jokes about how I sat down to play one video game and 20 years later got up to get some water and discovered I was a fat, depressed shit. Ha! The jokes, as you might intuit, would be self-deprecating. Although largely as catharsis. My sense of self-flagellation is, in its own way, jovial. If I am frustrated by my choices, I am also amused by them on some level. Partly because I understand them as choices not intrinsic faults.

I'm still hooked into gaming. It's nuts. It's fun, but ... it's still not quite who I want to be. God of War has sparked some thoughts about gods and such, but I'm not sure I needed to spend 40 hours in the game to do that.

To use the metaphor of the Jophur, there is a master ring that is slowly forming.  A mantra of increasing frequency is "free yourself of this burden." That burden being the labors given to me by video games. Or any of the other lotus flowers I keep eating. The burden is apathy. Free yourself of apathy. And addiction.

This is not a good state to date from. Potential suitors just get frustrated by my lotus-eater ways and I do not blame them. I'm not sure I would date me in this state. And by 'not sure' I mean '100% would not'.  I used to think it was all timing. "Oh the timing for us is terrible." Well, the timing is always terrible when I'm not ready.

At the same time, my hermetic ways are driving me nuts. I both value my independence and crave human contact. There's an exciting electric tension between the two that I would happily ditch in a second for a good shoulder rub. I miss people but I'm not sure how I want to fit with them yet. And for someone who has rarely been lower, I am strangely picky. I don't just want any community, I want one that makes sense to me and that I resonate with. That community has yet to spontaneously generate in my living room though.

I am still too unsure who I am and where I fit post-Adventism. It makes it difficult to connect with people. I like the concept of gods giving you labours. Like, if you can't find something to do, well, the gods have some chores they need doing. At least then if someone asked what I was doing with my life I could say, "Oh, descending into the underworld to bring back the beauty of Persephone for reasons that are not mine to understand." We might all still judge me for not creating labors for myself, but we'd agree it was good to have purpose.

I should be in therapy, but part of the reason I'm not is, yes money, but also I'm not really ready to do the thing. I am forever on the cusp of revelation and change but always end up eating one more lotus flower. They are delicious, and do we not have more than enough time on this island?

We do not. Free yourself of this burden.

*"hi, welcome to More Bark than Bite, a podcast by me, Sparky the Talking Dog!"