There but for the grace of god go I

There but for the grace of god go I is an awkward saying. I heard it a lot as a kid and it took me a while to parse it. Maybe I was not a bright kid. I don't know. It just didn't make a lot of sense to me for the longest time.

Eventually, it clicked. "If god wasn't looking out for me, I would be that person." Honestly, this initially struck me as kind of a shitty condescending snobbery. "I may have my struggles, but at least I'm not you, you poor wretched bastard. #Blessed"This said, of course, with absolutely no intention to help the individual currently being pitied.

Assuming somewhat more charity in the reading, it's a reminder to be grateful. If you are a fervent believer, specifically to god, who has not let you fall through the cracks of society, in his or her or its divine wisdom. And it is good to be grateful. People report change in their lives merely by adopting a grateful mindset and it strikes me as something I should try. Although I have not. There with no sense of gratitude go I.

Falling through the cracks used to look so far away. If there was a world where I was on the street or addicted to drugs or an elderly shut-in it was through the woods and over the hills and across the ocean and far, far away.

Now, it feels like one weekend of bad choices away and I'm not sure I love that. Although without community and without purpose you are almost by definition if not falling through the cracks of society, at least eyeing them flirtatiously. There's just so little in this civilization that I love and consumerism is time-filling but empty. Why not fall through the cracks if this is all we're going to be doing with ourselves? Creating a world where kids legitimately fear being shot to death in class and the working class has a lifetime of debt and no brighter future to work towards, led ever forward by fools, cowards and psychopaths. There but for the grace of god go we. And if god isn't protecting us from this shit, well, there we go.

Part of my problem with "success" is my instinctive response to looking like a success in this society is, essentially, "there but for the grace of god go I." Instagram influencers, climbing the corporate ladder, saving the world with another stupid app, acquiring wealth and losing my goddamn mind, gaining political power in the USA and losing my goddamn soul. There but for the grace of god go I.

Of course, it is this nearness to the "go I" part of the saying that helps me understand how shitty it is. The inherent judgement of the other as less than. Of how much that saying describes christian america and how much it damns christian america in the description. A person steeped in genuine humility wouldn't think that way I think. I don't know, maybe instead of looking at people we could just help. Or at the very least try not to hurt. Doing Less Harm would be a solid improvement in modern american life I think. Democratic party, you are welcome to that slogan.

I am not really doing my part, although I want to. I'm not so good with people, homeless or otherwise, so maybe I shouldn't be on the frontlines in terms of people management, but there are many, many opportunities to not be a self-absorbed consumer in this society. I should probably get off my ass and try one. Hospice volunteers are still needed I would imagine.

Hospice still seems like good and necessary work. No self-comforting illusions there. There you will some day go, grace of god or no.