faithless

I don't like this version of myself. Timid to a fault. Total, unreliable flake socially. Breaking half my social engagements out of anxiety or depression or just a general lack of self-esteem. I don't say this to be hard on myself, but I don't like being this fragile and this ... incapable. It just makes it impossible to connect with people in a way that feels good.

I have no purpose. I have no community. I have few friends to lean on. Consequently my self-esteem is in tatters and I have no well of strength to draw upon. Or rather, I do, but I have lost the discipline or the know-how.

the one thing I miss about religion is the well of strength to draw on bit, and if the price wasn't so high ( a complete abandonment of my critical thinking and self respect) I'd be tempted to go back to it. I think that is why I am looking for some kind of replacement spirituality/philosophy. I need something bigger to believe in, but I have no interest in being taken in by the first charismatic cult to come my way. (I both loved and hated yoga for this reason).

There's a book called "fuck your feelings" which is just advice to do the necessary regardless of how you feel. It is probably good advice that I am not following. Discipline can be defined as doing the thing even when you don't feel like it. So discipline is good, but maybe not in and of itself. What purpose you apply your discipline to factors in.

But doing all the things when they feel wrong is not ideal. Doing all the things but feeling nothing, having no internal purpose or compass is still empty. I'd be getting thinner or getting a lot done, but to what end? I think I am hesitant to really start pulling because I'm afraid of ending up 5 miles in the wrong direction.

I think the argument that sways me the most is that adulthood comes with certain obligations and expectations (which I have not really been living up to) and that I can at least try to meet some bare minimums while going on my spiritual quests.  Maybe "other people are counting on you to be functional" suffices as motivation in the short term. I don't give a shit about making the rich richer, but it is good to be there when other people need you to be.

But regardless of my discipline, I think my relationships and social connections will suffer until my self-esteem is better, and my self-esteem won't be better until I ground myself with a better sense of who I am and why I am here.  This is why dating and friendships have been so spastic lately, I can't share myself with people until I know who I am and what I have to share. I can't know where I exist in relation to other people until I have some independent sense of my own position.

I don't know man, disconnection is not fun. I don't recommend it. I keep hoping for a divine flash of inspiration, but the gods won't tell me shit, lazy fuck that I am.

I guess it's on me then. Oh good.