There may come in a time in your big city life where you might say to yourself, "this city is great, but what can I do about all these incredibly inconvenient people?" Do not fear. While there is no ethical justification for wielding your impressive powers of magnetic manipulation to create a fearsome barrier of robots, missiles and mutants between you and the outside world, you too can alienate yourself from human society by diligently following these simple tips.
It all starts with the attitude, specifically a bad one. And a bad attitude starts with personal unhappiness, insecurity and ridiculously poor self-esteem. You don't like anyone and you don't like yourself. If you're having trouble with the former, start with the latter. The good news is, once you get the cycle churning, isolation and alienation will serve as an endless source of insecurity and alienation, feeding your bad attitude. That's right, we've discovered a perpetual emotion device! Of course, as moody introverts we are not inclined to share it.
Don't go out. There are many exciting and soul-destroying ways to stay in. It is important not to improve yourself when you stay in. That may give you potentially interesting things to talk about or, god forbid, a sizable boost of self-esteem that may undermine this whole project. Binge Netflix. Play video games, the more addictive the better. Many modern games are more or less designed along the same lines as video slots as it is very well known that random rewards at the right frequency are very addictive. The more you sit at home mindlessly pulling that lever the less you'll have to talk about and the unhappier you will be. Stay at home. Sit on your ass. Pull the lever. Wonder why you have no friends and never meet people and have nothing to talk about when you do. Let the answering sorrow that attends those questions give you the strength to pull that lever. World of Warcraft is a wonderful game to play when you hate yourself. When in doubt, dissociate, dissociate, dissociate. Dissociation is a wonderful time machine that you exit exactly as unhappily as you entered.
Don't go to parties. Or if you do leave early, because you don't belong there. You don't fit in with those people. You made a complete ass of yourself. They're all just self-interested jerks anyway. Just carelessly happy like a bunch of IDIOTS. Hate them, hate yourself. Go home. Of course, you don't hate them, this is all projection. Just another stupid thing you do to sabotage yourself. Stupid! Why do they invite you to these things anyway? (Don't worry, they will stop).
Never reach out. Never give any sign that you are happy they have reached out. They probably didn't mean it. They probably wouldn't like you anyway. They're probably a bunch of jerks who don't understand what you understand. It probably wouldn't work out. When they start avoiding you in public because they, for some reason, think you don't like them, it will just be another reason to be mad at yourself. Stupid! But also: awesome.
Convince yourself that you are just taking the space you need to get your head together, but resolutely refuse to create a quiet space to get your head together. Procrastination will serve you well here. How can you take time for yourself when you urgently need to clean up a mess you should have dealt with weeks ago? Don't worry, you will get your head together after this crisis. Or maybe after the three you have stacked up right behind it.
Nurture that sense of not belonging anywhere. Ignore any rational thought process that insists that can't possibly be true. Do not look up community events, meet-up groups, churches, sports competitions or community drinking establishments. Loudly lament that you can't find your people anywhere and have no idea where to look. You must be from Mars. They must not be anywhere. Poor you. Poor sad, lonely you.
Don't know yourself. It turns out to be incredibly easy to not find people who share you values when you have no earthly idea what your values actually are. Who are your people? How would you know? You don't know! Good work.
Form an unhealthy relationship with your phone. Pick it up for no reason. Scroll mindlessly. Suddenly wake up and wonder why you phone is in your hand and wonder what you are doing. Oh right, you wanted to check the weather. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Wait, what were you doing? Oh right, the weather. Oh wait. Your brain is mush. You won't be able to get through a sentence in public without habitually picking up your phone to scroll a feed of some sort. This phone is your LIFE, but you couldn't say why. Keep it up!
Blame it on your introversion. Or on extroverts. It is the same thing. Did you zone out while your last friend was sharing a secret heartache with you? I'm sorry, you are introvert and they will have to understand. Were you a fantastic jerk at that party? Such is the burden of introversion. Did you scowl at that woman who had the stunning audacity to be carelessly happy? Sorry babe, total introvert here. Remember, you are never responsible for your behavior so long as you have your introversion to hide behind. Introversion: sword and shield. Wield it well.
If you follow these simple tips, you too can generate the veritable fountain of angst that stems from longing for human contact but rendering yourself unable to generate or sustain it. Good luck you sorry sad sacks. I'd say I'm rooting for you, but I hate you all.
In the meantime I'll be over here wondering "when, oh when, will I find my place in the world?" Just about never if I play my cards right! I'm not only president, I'm also a member.
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