Status Update

Circling the drain!

I ran out of money this week in a monumental cock-up on my part. It surprised me when it shouldn't have for one, and for two I have been in denial about a couple of financial realities for a while now. The most salient aspect of which is that my rent has gone up $500 since I've moved here and my salary halved a year ago. So I need to get a room mate or, more likely, move in the next month or so. I have a loan against my retirement account I am trying to get started, but the office for that is not calling me back for reasons I don't entirely understand. Anyway, shit is fucked up and bullshit and it's entirely my fault.

I've been spending a lot of time at a diner I like, with people I like, but it's $15 a breakfast every day which added up quick. So between eating out too much and over-priced rent I've blown through entirely too much money and that was stupid. But the diner was my social life on life support and my apartment is in an area of town I really like (not even fancy, rents here are just stupid now thanks to capitalisms tendency to destroy communities).

So if my benefits ever finds the time to call me back (I will be going up the command chain at the end of the week if I haven't heard back yet, because jesus christ what the fuck is the hold-up). I should be able to get through the next month and move and that will be change, good or bad. Although at this point in my life any change is likely good.

But otherwise I am still stagnant, still isolated, with no community or purpose to latch on to. It is not fun and I don't recommend it to anyone.

All I've really wanted for a long time now is a little quiet and I just can't create it for myself. Working from home is a misery because my cat drives me nuts. If I hadn't had her for 12 years or so and she wasn't already dying of kidney failure I might give her away. I had a life bond with my other cat, may he rest in peace, but this one has always been a more ... mercurial relationship. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's the worst. But she actively hates peace, quiet and concentration and some writers like to play that off as cute, but it drives me nuts because she's not actually teaching me important life lessons when I can't get my fucking work done. Gah. Did I mention she's dying and I feel incredibly guilty for being frustrated with her all the time? It's true. She's going to Actually Die at some point and I'm going to feel terrible about this last year.

But I digress. I just want quiet and I need to work harder at creating that. I'd love 6 months on an island or a sanitarium but I'll settle for a quiet home life for a while. I don't know, something. A purpose, an opportunity, a connection. Some god damn thing.

I just don't understand why I basically don't function anymore socially or productively and I don't know what to do about it. And I'm too broke for therapy! But hey, I have a blog where I can ramble/whine about it.  Which is SOMETHING.

I get invited to drinks and whatnot but I don't really feel like I fit in so I don't have a good time. I mean transparently the problem is my self-esteem is cratered and I don't really do anything interesting worth talking about anymore aside from reading a few good books. But I feel 1000% percent more boring when I go out with people. I just don't have a lot to say anymore and I'm not too happy so I'm not fun to be around. Also I have a stupid unrequited crush that is a bad idea and I know that because I've done this 20 times before, but here I am again.

I really desperately need to get out of the house on the cheap. I should probably start volunteering somewhere at the very least. Maybe try some meditation groups or buddhist churches. Part of the problem is I'm desperately unhappy but not really sure what I actually want to do instead of what I'm doing, even though it would likely be better to be doing literally anything else than playing video games and hating myself. I'd probably be fine if I could find somewhere to just put my head down and work in a small group for a while. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my cat to die before making any big life changes which suuuuuucks for all involved.

Anyway, I continue to hate this whole big stupid phase of my life. When I figure out how to stop being so stubbornly unhappy maybe I'll have a better update.