I feel good about actually writing some crap, in terms of needing an outlet. Picking up piano again would probably help me as well. And I still want to learn to paint something, damn it.
The first thing I'm trying to do is Actually Write. Dump the first draft down, accept that it will be a hot mess. The second big task is cultivating an attention span that will let me return for revisionary passes.
I am still not really convinced I have any actual stories to tell. I have for my whole life dissociated and held myself apart from life, like engagement with life on this planet is just something I can politely say, "no, thank you." to. My primary method for this is dissociation, and I wonder if dissociation hasn't left me drooling and incoherent. How much has endlessly scrolling twitter feeds and video games damaged my ability to think. I worry.
But I don't hate my writing. Should I? I worry about that too. Maybe I am only writing for an audience of myself. Maybe that is okay.
Mostly I worry that I will not kick myself into motion before entropy and time say it's last call. I am not living in forever and my biggest life crime against the universe is a refusal to acknowledge the simple fact I have been allotted roughly the same amount of temporal tokens as anyone else and I spend one every second regardless of my delusions, grandiose or otherwise. And I am not spending them caring for others or developing my, in context, limited potential.
When I allow myself to indulge in a belief in the afterlife and reincarnation, I can only at this moment imagine they will have to send me back to like, not procrastinate next time. Which I could only agree is fair.
The funny thing about near death experiences is they seem to indicate the immortality of the soul and life after life, but they also seem to indicate an afterlife with it's own bureaucratic fuck-ups. Christianity posits an immortal god with a smoothy-oiled bureaucracy but with a low tolerance for personal fuck-ups. Given the choice, I find I choose kindly, but befuddled spirits trying to get the paperwork on the deceased right with mixed results.
Of course, it could all be nonsense and this is IT as far as consciousness goes. And I think most belief systems would agree you only get this one body with this one mind once and that is sacred. Best not to waste it, no?
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