And so

One of the joys of bisexual life is watching your last guy crush and your girl crush get together, leaving you to ponder the folly of the universe and yourself in particular. Because obviously neither of them thought about you too much and you've been kind of a grumpy asshole anyway and who were you kidding?

I go through cycles where I get fixated on someone that, in retrospect was never going to work out, which plays out the same way every time. So now I have some big dumb feelings that need to run their big dumb course. Of course. Again.

It feels like the universe is so bored with teaching me with this lesson that it really half-assed it this time. My nose rubbed in it as if to say, "No! Bad dog! Jesus Fucking Christ, learn the lesson!"

I'm bored with it too, tbh. I know better. When I'm taking care of myself I'm less of a freakshow and tend to click with people better. And I know the click is what I'm going for. Meeting someone and just feeling the connection at some point. You get me, I get you and we will be spending some time together. Or, you smell like home to me and I smell like home to you and we will be spending a lot of time together. Probably naked. Preferably both, but either works.

God, I really let things go this time. Not my finest hour. I complain, but this is the life I've been building for myself. So ... time for some creative destruction I guess.

On the bright side I've recently realized I've been getting sub-par sleep for MONTHS* and have a fix in place starting this week, so I can hopefully look forward to a more awake, less moody context to operate in. I was hoping to start last night but forgot my cat was debuting her new play "At Night we Howl" with repeat performances on the hour. Alas.

*The thing about sleep apnea is it kind of sneaks up on you. One day you just realize you're always exhausted and have been for a while.