Tales to WoW you, part 4

I see by the comment two posts down that I still have people who read this blog. This is a situation that must be rectified. Therefore, I am excited to unveil part 4 in our ongoing series, "Tales to WoW you". Yes, World of Warcraft fan fiction at it's absolute worst. You will read it and wish you hadn't. Now that I've intrigued you,

Narrator: Our heroes lie, in pieces, amidst pools of blood and murloc drool. They appear to be dead. Again.

Karibou: Well, you've killed me again Gul.

Gulveris: What do you mean "again"? We died from the plague the first time remember?

Karibou: . . . Gul, do you remember what happened the day we died?

Gulveris: Well, let me think. In the morning I believe I bought some cheap bread from the new baker in town. For lunch I made us sandwiches with said bread and I believe by late afternoon we, along with the rest of the town, had been infected with the undead plague and subsequently died. What part of that was my fault? The only thing I'm guilty of is making your last meal a tasty one.

Karibou: No.

Gulveris: What do you mean "no"? That's EXACTLY what happened.

Karibou: No, Gul, it is ALMOST what happened. What actually happened was a little more interesting. Do you remember what the new baker looked like that day?

Gulveris: Um . . . I think so. Pale guy, black cloak, hood, smelled bad.

Karibou: Uh huh, uh huh. I thought so. Tell me, did the bread he sold you look, in any way, fresh?

Gulveris: Well, it had a bit of mold, but you couldn't beat the price!

Karibou: No. No Gul, that was not "just mold". You bought infected bread from the undead scourge, and we ate it for lunch. THAT is how you killed me the first time.

Gulveris: Well, hey, I'm sorry for not being perfect Mr. "I know so much about everything", excuse me for not noticing the thing that no one else in town noticed. If you'll recall, they all died of the plague too.

Karibou: Again Gul, close but not quite. Do you recall seeing any notices that day on your way to buy bread?

Gulveris: Um, the only one I noticed said "For a good time, find Gronkelina."

Karibou: Well, my good friend Gulveris, if you had happened to read the notice just next to that one you would have seen one that said "Beware shady bread vendors selling scourge infected bread." As it happens, the rest of the town DID see that notice and thus were not infected by the scourge.

Gulveris: Well, how did they die then smartass?

Karibou: Do you remember what happened after we died?

Gulveris: If I recall correctly we un-died later that night.

Karibou: Do you remember what we did then?

Gulveris: Well, I dimly recall being hungry.

Karibou: Gul, you dimly recall everything. But let me refresh your memory. We were not just hungry, we were RAVENOUS. And do you remember what we were ravenous for?

Gulveris: Cake?

Karibou: No! No Gul! We were hungry for Brains! Brains! Which is why, undead zombie Gulveris, we went from house to house that night and killed everyone else in town, eating their brains.

Gulveris: So what you're saying is, I killed you by feeding you infected grain and then both of us became undead and killed the rest of the town?

Karibou: Yes, Gul. That is what I'm saying. Hence, this is the second time you killed me.

Gulveris: Fine, I get it. But you didn't have to be such a dick about it.

Karibou: My dear friend Gulveris. Please forgive me for causing you any emotional incovenience as I lie here, dead, in a pool of blood and murloc drool.

Gulveris: Aw, Karibou, you know I can't stay mad at you. Besides, I understand how dying for the second time must be stressing you out. Which brings up an interesting point. How are you stressed about anything at all? I thought we were dead?

Karibou: You know, Gul, that IS interesting.

Narrator: NO! It isn't! But join us next time as our dead undead heroes explore this and other equally tepid topics in "Murder-squared: For the love of the Light, why can't I die?" We guarantee you'll be wondering the same thing! See you next time, in TALES to WOW YOU!

Tales to WoW you, part 3

. . .in which my World of Warcraft fan fiction almost kills you.

In order to get myself back into blogging, I have decided to finish some of the WoW stories that I had in my head when Eric and I were playing. In addition to getting my blogging groove back, I expect to drive the remaining portion of my readers screaming into the twisting nether with my god-awful prose, thus making them able to find this blog afresh later on, as we both start anew.

With that, read on! If you can stomach it . . . and be warned, I don't feel like spell-checking today (you know, I think I have a future in public relations). Also, I'm not sure, but in my mind undead swear as much as possible, so apologies for that.

When we last left Gulveris and Karibou, Gulveris had wandered off to Undercity to find his destiny leaving Karibou to fight the denizens of Tirisfal Glades alone.

(SCENE: Karibou fights a battle against two hideous murlocs in northern portion of Tirisfal Glades.)

The Sounds of Battle: CLANG! SMASH! Mrggrggglrlgle (that was a murloc) THUNK! SLICE! POW! (Adam West was riding by) CLANG! . . . . BOOOOOOOOOM!

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: Hey, Karibou! Looks like I arrived in the nick of time!

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: (Looking Confused, which is difficult when your jaw has almost fallen off) What?

Karibou: . . . What . . . (spits out murloc foot) . . . the fuck . . . (removes murloc eye from his own eye socket) . . . was that!

Gulveris: Oh, you mean the method of your deliverance from those rotten little savages? Well, I'm glad you asked, it was (rummages in back-pack and soon hefts a red stick) Dynamite! Cool, huh?

Karibou: Gul, right now I'm tasting murloc toe-jam, I am nearly deaf from the explosion (and possibly the murloc spleen lodged in my ear) and I have, if I am not mistaken, a fucking fish femur sticking through what's left of my lower intestine.

Gulveris: You know, a little gratitude would be nice. (Begins to perform first aid while casually picking murloc remains off of his friend).

Karibou: (with a hint of sarcasm) Yes, thank you Gulveris, if it hadn't been for you I might have easily killed two murlocs without draping myself with their entrails.

Gulveris: (Finishes bandaging Karibou) There, that should keep you together until the Apothecary can look at you.

Karibou: . . . Gul, you packed murloc intestine in with my personal intestines.

Gulveris: Well, you shouldn't have left yours hanging out like that then!

Karibou: (Irritated) I . . . Didn't!

Gulveris: Oh, you'll get over it. What, are you worried it will get infected? Anyway, enough of your bitching and moaning, guess what I did in Undercity?

Karibou: Well, you either explored your necro-sexuality in ways I don't want to hear about or you learned to make dynamite.

Gulveris: (Laughing) Silly, Karibou, why can't it be both! In any case, you are looking at the newest member of the Undercity Engineering Guild! Look how much dynamite I made! (hefts back-pack crammed with explosives towards Karibou)

Karibou: (Steps quickly back) Congratulations, you have managed to complete number 32 on my list of "Ways Gulveris is Likely to Get me Killed" just under "Pushed into Lava" and just over "Trampled by Kodo".

Gulveris: Oh stop it. These things are perfectly safe (starts tossing a stick of dynamite lightly into the air). A sizable majority of my graduating class managed to do so with their limbs intact.

Karibou: Fine! Fine. I'll take your word for it. You know, your natural inclination to get me killed aside, your massive bag of explosives has great potential. Let's blow something up.

Gulveris: (Grinning) I thought you'd never ask! Look at that rabbit!

BOOOOM!

Karibou: (Clapping excitedly) Ooh, that was fun. Now me!

Gulveris: (tossing stick to Karibou) Sure, here you go!

Karibou: (Briefly glaring at Gulveris for tossing high explosive at him. Then trying to light the dynamite) Hey, how do I light this thing? Why can't I ignite the fuse?

Gulveris: (Looking embarrassed) Ah, I forgot. Let me see it? (retrieves dynamite) I'm afraid you won't be able to use this dynamite because you're not an engineer.

Karibou: What do you mean? It's just light and throw right?

Gulveris: (looking smug) Oh, I'm afraid it's much more complicated than that.

Karibou: (looking increasingly irritated) What the fuck is so complicated about "light and throw"!

Gulveris: (thinking hard, then condescendingly) Well, there are many aspects to it that a non-engineer just isn't likely to grasp.

Karibou: Like what?! (Making exasperated motions with hands) You just light and throw! Light and throw!

Gulveris: Well, for one thing an engineer would know to keep his calm around a large satchel full of dynamite. Oh, you know what! I totally forgot, I learned a new recipe just before I left! (Rummages in satchel and comes up with a pink stick of dynamite painted with flowers and puppies and a plastic cap on top) Here, try this one!

Karibou: (Looking at the stick skeptically) What the hell is that?

Gulveris: You my friend are looking at "EZ-throw" dynamite. Fun for engineers and non-engineers alike!

Karibou: So what, I can only use the kiddie dynamite? How freaking insulting is that? And why did you paint it pink! What, am I 12?

Gulveris: Well, if you were 12 you would be substantially more grateful about receiving high explosives I think.

Karibou: I'm not 12!

Gulveris: I thought you'd like it!

Karibou: Gul, pink dynamite painted with flowers and puppies will NOT strike fear into the hearts of my enemies!

Gulveris: You know I think you're just cranky because you stink like murloc intestine.

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: (realizing the situation is going downhill) Wait, look how easy it is! (Pops plastic cap off of EZ-throw dynamite and tosses backwards down to the beach).

In the distance: BOOOOOM! Mrglglgrlelglelrle! (Both turn to look at the pack of furious murlocs racing up the hill towards them)

Karibou: Number 23.

Gulveris: "Killed by a pack of furious murlocs?"

Karibou: Yup.

Gulveris: You know me too well.

Karibou: (Pulls out his sword) To know you is to hate you.

Gulveris: Aw quit yer bitchin', I have a plan.

Karibou: Me too.

Gulveris: Mine's better. You charge and hold them off while I destroy them with dynamite.

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: What?

Mrlglggggrlgrlgl!

(to be continued . . .)

Follow-up on Catch Scratch.

I later recovered from my cat bite.

Thanks to "Busty Karen takes it 3 ways" for caring enough to leave a comment.

cat scratch fever

My wonderful, friendly cat Minino gave me four bloody puncture wounds and a trip to the ER this week.

I am used to pushing his nosy little head out of the way all the time, usually to keep his head from being crushed by the refrigerator/sliding/front door. He usually is okay with that. However, Tuesday night he was trying to kill a stray cat through the sliding glass door and I made a crucial error. I opened the sliding glass door to hiss through the screen to scare the other cat away. Having done that, I was trying to close the sliding glass door again. So, in my bare feet, I do my usual shove-cat-aside -with-foot maneuver and get bit hard for my trouble. Four nice neat puncture wounds just behind the pinky toe on my left foot. If I were a higher class of sentient I would have realized that he was in fight-mode with the outdoor cat and not put my bare foot anywhere near him.

In any case, my patient girlfriend helped me dress the wound and 24-hours later it had swollen and was looking red. So into the ER we go to get anti-biotics. So now I'm limping dramatically everywhere I go and trying not to think about teeth and/or bacteria. Also, I'm supposed to elevate my leg at every opportunity. How to do this at work and retain dignity, I don't know. And all this on top of a $500 car repair, $1000 dollar estimate for cleaning the teeth for both cats (sum, not individual), and x-rays on my wrist, for which I have not been charged yet.

It's not the crappiest week anyone has ever had, but you know.

Okay, last post on this topic

So the other day I was in the guest bathroom, "doing some contemplative work" when the cat noses his way in (the guest bathroom door doesn't latch very well). So he slides into the bathroom, bothers me for about 30 seconds and then wrinkles his nose and races back out of the bathroom. Then, I swear, I see his little paw reaching in from the outside, frantically trying to close the door as if to say "That smell! I'm gonna throw up! Close the door! Close the door!"

And in answer to your as-yet unspoken question: because you deserved to know.

GSA Forevah

Kvc's post reminded me of something Mr. Unwilted put up over on youtube (the Brandon part, not the pooping part. :-). It's the 1992 Gem State Academy Video Yearbook, complete in six parts. Hooray! Here's part one:

Some Pooping some Nudity

I was sent to the below movie by a Mr. Todd Jarnes. I thought several of you would get a kick out of it.

Things you don't want to think about

I make my 53rd triumphant return to the blog with poop stories. Now, I don't plan on getting too graphic, and I typically stay away from this topic for obvious reasons ("hey! Where are you going? Don't you want to hear more about my poop?"), but I have observations about male bathroom behavior that I wish to share. You may stop reading now if you're not interested.

I don't like using public bathrooms. In my dream world, a public bathroom stall would be completely enclosed, floor-to-ceiling, well-ventilated and sound-proof. Alas, public bathrooms do not meet this standard. Which is all to say that I hate using public bathrooms. But I have noticed a few things about the behavior of the people who use them (including myself).

First, there are 4 basic types of strides that men take when they head towards the bathroom door.
1) Confident and Mature. They're going to go in, do their business and get out and not think about it anymore. Obviously the best way to approach life (i.e. as an adult).
2) Overly Casual. They stroll along whistling, happen to notice the bathroom door and open it on a whim. They wouldn't normally go into such a place you understand, and it certainly wasn't imperative that they head there, but they'll go in and check it out. This is generally my category. They're trying to be an adult but clearly a little too conscious of the whole event.
3) Slinking. On some level, this person is embarrassed about going to the bathroom and slinks as close to the wall as they can on their way to the bathroom door. Because, you know, no one can see them that way.
4) Power walking. Most people do this walk from time to time. It's an emergency and you can't walk normally because it's all you can do to contain it until you get to the toilet and hope to god you don't run into anyone in the hallway.

As for how people act in the bathroom, let me just say that the funniest thing I hear while I'm in there is people talking to themselves while they do their business. Whether it's the incoherent mumbling I hear from the guy at the urinal or the loud "Oh GOD DAMNIT!" as someone goes through a rough patch in the stall next to me, it's all I can do not to giggle nervously.

As for the walk away from the bathroom, the first 3 strides all still apply. But to that, we must add:
5) the Big Boy. This is when a guy comes out of the bathroom with a certain jauntiness and/or swagger. You're not sure what he did in there, but by God is he proud of it. I also have to stop myself from laughing when I see this one. A variation of this is just a look of simple relief. It was a trying time, but now it is over and there are rainbows and butterflies everywhere.

I don't know why, but I've had this particular post bouncing around my head for months now. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write it, but you may rest easy knowing it has been catharsis for me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to walk down the hallway in an overly casual manner.

Half-Remembered Quote of the Day

"Why should I have to change all of the clocks in my house just because farmers can't wake up at 4am unless you tell them it's 5?" -- Stephen Colbert (more of a half-remembered paraphrase, but you get the idea)

Enter Zatanna!

Enter Zatanna!
Originally uploaded by hbot3000.

It was my Birthday last Sunday, and I was far, far too lazy to post about it. So I'm doing it now. Yay me.

Also, I'm going to need this song (you tube video) sung to me at all future birthdays. Just so you know.

Anyway, that's not really the point of this post. The point is that on my birthday, my lovely girlfriend and I adopted a new cat (as you may have guessed, the one in the picture here). She is very, very sweet. She was left behind by her owners when they moved and then brought in as a stray. She's been locked in a nice room for a few days to get her comfortable with the new house ( and get the existing cat used to the idea of a new cat). We let her into the house at large for a while last night. Minino (existing cat) is a complete coward and hisses at her and runs half the time. But overall their first meeting was surprisingly amicable.

As alluded to in the title, I have named her Zatanna after a Justice League Heroes character we both like. I feel good about it.

M.I.

I’m very down today that Molly Ivins died. From jan. 5 of this year:

What happened to the nation that never tortured? The nation that wasn't supposed to start wars of choice? The nation that respected human rights and life? A nation that from the beginning was against tyranny? Where have we gone? How did we let these people take us there? How did we let them fool us?

It's a monstrous idea to put people in prison and keep them there. Since 1215, civil authorities have been obligated to tell people with what they are charged if they're arrested. This administration has done away with rights first enshrined in the Magna Carta nearly 800 years ago, and we've let them do it.

She had a way to speak the unpopular truth that I admired. I am sad to see her gone.

Rebooting . . .

It’s weird, what was keeping me from blogging was needing to upload those photos. It was some sort of weird mental block. Now that that’s done, blogging will likely resume. This is assuming there is someone besides me still reading this.

Now taking bets on whether you are reading this.

Step 1, Remove the pins and needles . . .

SF-Fog2
Originally uploaded by hbot3000.

Finally, I have uploaded the photos from my trip to San Francisco. This particular one was from my favorite day in the middle of the week where the buildings disappeared into the very low clouds. Click the picture through to flickr in order to see the rest. They were all taken from my cell phone, so the quality isn't that great.

Looking through these again, none are particularly fantastic. The best I had were of the day we saw Al Gore's keynote speech (which was freaking great. contrary to the "common wisdom", he's a great speaker). Unfortunately, those were destroyed when my cell phone died, which brings me to:

The LG Chocolate phone is a piece of shit. I checked the time outside of a book store in SF and when I went to check the time 30 minutes later all I could get was a white screen of death. I had only had it for a month so they just gave me a new one for free, but still. I seriously regret getting into a new 2 year contract with that piece of crap. What's even more irritating about it is they try and get you to join up with their own version of itunes, the selling point of which seems to be that all the music is sold in .wma format and at twice the cost of itunes files. How can I resist that tempting offer? Especially now that the iphone is coming out. Oh how I wants it.

Tangential trajectory

(Strolls down street, whistling non-chalantly.)

(Notices blog, stops suddenly.)

(Looks in around in panic, then dashes down street, ducking around the nearest corner.)

(Peers fearfully around corner.)

(Dogs barking in distance.)

Where was I?

I return triumphantly to the blog with a location update.

I am in San Francisco for the week for a huge conference. Pictures are forthcoming.

So far it’s been nothing but rainy, but that’s been okay. Lupita and I have been having fun. I am, as always, a little freaked out by the sheer mass of humanity around me, but so far have not gone on any psychotic rampages.

I actually like it here a lot, lots of stuff in walking distance and a good metro system. I really like all the rooftop gardens and so forth that I’ve seen. The first thing I noticed on the 10-block walk to the convention center is that apparently the things that people need the most are cell phones and coffee as, on first glance, that’s all that the city seems to offer. I’m just astounded that there’s enough foot traffic to keep a verizon store in business every other block. Also, I count about 9 starbucks just on my walking route. The funniest spot is, of course, where they are literally across the street from one another. I thought that bit in Shrek 2 was hyperbole, but no, apparently not. I know I betray my county rubeness by my amazement at what are apparently common things here, but still.

Also, they have gay people here. Shocking I know, who would have thought in San Francisco? The only reason I mention it is that I think Lupita’s advisor got us a room in a hotel popular with the gay community. I only say this because I’ve seen mostly gay couples there, people looking at gay porn on the computer in the lobby, it’s called “Club Quarters” and is next to “Elephant and Castle” and smells powerfully of semen at times.

Make of that what you will. I have already, however, formed opinions.

Thought for the Day

If I’m such a good driver, why do all the other cars on the road give me such a wide gap when they pass me?

Finale'

Actually, this guy writes very well about the Kerry nonsense. and he’s British. I am ashamed.

Check that

Ugh. It’s worse. What Kerry meant to say (as is in his prepared notes) is that if you don’t grow up and study and try to be smarter, you’ll be as dumb as George Bush. I think my rant below still stands considering republicans are pretending he didn’t mean to say that, but still. This is about the silliest controversy ever.

You cut me deep there Shrek

Oh John Kerry. What to do with him? He gets on TV for saying that a) unless you like suicide bombers, you probably don’t want to join the army and go to Iraq right now and b) Richer and/or more educated kids don’t join the army, that’s for poorer people. And now it’s a shit storm of epic proportions as the media and republicans try to stall The Democrats’ momentum going into the election. And today, John Kerry apologized.

Jesus, grow a pair John. I’m not the biggest Kerry fan, but he should never have apologized. Why? He was exactly correct in a way the Republicans can’t admit. Republicans are trying to say that because soldiers are good and true (we all appreciate their service, this is true) then any criticism of the war must therefore be a criticism of the troops and how dare we. No you stupid fucks, John Kerry was saying you fat, ignorant, draft-dodging pricks in charge of the war just spent 3 years and many, many American and Iraqi lives turning Iraq into place WORSE and more horrifying than it was under Saddam Hussein through sheer, unadulterated hubris and incompetence. And that that’s a disincentive to join the army right now. This is what both the Republicans and the public and the media that supported them have to admit to when they admit John Kerry was right. So John Kerry, will never, ever be right.

Election day can’t come soon enough. That said, I’m very excited about voting the bastards out until I remember the stellar job the democrats have been doing. More options please.

Oh, and CNN? John Kerry isn’t up for election for any office this year. Just FYI.

That hideous ratio

Specifically, the ratio of how long it takes to pack versus how long it takes to finish unpacking after the moving. I think it will be small. I actually moved about 10 small boxes that I had never unpacked from the last move this time. So, uh yeah. I’m a lazy bastard with a small ratio.

Which is all to say that we have moved to a new house now and it is lovely. Pictures are forthcoming.

Also, you bastards who couldn’t spare a simple day or two and a couple hundred dollars to come help me move are all on notice. Granted, I had 6 people from work helping, but still. Your failure and disloyalty has been noted.

On a big board in my house.

With your names in big angry letters.

(Shakes Fist).