Fruits of the Spirit

"I imagine a future in the church when the call to chastity would no longer sound like a dreary sentence to lifelong loneliness for a gay Christian like me. I imagine Christian communities in which friendships are celebrated and honored—where it’s normal for families to live near or with single people; where it’s expected that celibate gay people would form significant attachments to other single people, families, and pastors; where it’s standard practice for friends to spend holidays together or share vacations; where it’s not out of the ordinary for friends to consider staying put, resisting the allure of constant mobility, for the sake of their friendships. I imagine a church where genuine love isn’t located exclusively or even primarily in marriage, but where marriage and friendship and other bonds of affection are all seen as different forms of the same love we all are called to pursue.

By shifting our practice of friendship to a more committed, honored form of love, we can witness—above all—to a kingdom in which the ties between spiritual siblings are the strongest ties of all. Marriage, Jesus tells us, will be entirely transformed in the future, barely recognizable to those who know it in its present form (Matt. 22:30). Bonds of biology, likewise, are relativized in Jesus’ world (Mark 3:31–35). But the loves that unite Christians to each other across marital, racial, and familial lines are loves that will last. More than that, they are loves that witness that Christ’s love is available to all. Not everyone can be a parent or a spouse, but anyone and everyone can be a friend."

— Why Can’t Men Be Friends? | Wesley Hill

(via More than 95 Theses)

I appreciate that this article is primarily arguing for the need to call for stronger bonds of friendship within churches.  To re-establish a norm whereby men can be close emotionally, without fears of gay panic on their own part or being seen as potentially gay by outside parties.  For one thing, I think it would, in the end, go a great distance to getting evangelicals to understand that gay relationships relationships can be as meaningful as their own.  Once you've admitted that men can be close, even devoted to each other emotionally, and not necessarily sexual you can maybe start to see how some men, who aren't sexually attracted to women but to men, would choose to express that devotion and emotional attachment physically.  In other words, it would only do wonders for straight men to remove the specter of terrifying gayness, the expectation or fear that men who are emotionally close must inevitably fornicate. And maybe, just hopefully, humanize gay men in the process.

Having said that, I lament the frame of "the call to chastity" for gay people who want to remain church members in good standing.  I'm not going to say that the author of the article, a church-loving gay man, doesn't feel a call to chastity.  I am however going to push back on the notion that straight patriarchs like to propagate: that God is calling all gay men to chastity.  I refuse the many subtle and not-so-subtle hints that the bible is "pretty clear" on two gay men who love each other getting married because it is not.  I push back on the notion that discomfort with homosexuality comes directly from the bible and not from culture warriors who have been pushing a culture war against homosexuality for the last 50 years.

I want to remind gay people and the church members who can't abide gay people that the fruits of the spirit are "love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" and suggest that if you can't exercise any of these traits in relation to your gay brothers and sisters that maybe your attitudes toward them don't stem from the bible or biblical principles at all.  I want to suggest that the self-control indicated here is not the self-control you think everyone else should be having in how they show loving affection towards each other but the self-control you should have in learning to treat people with kindness and respect, even if their differences make you personally uncomfortable.

I want to remind the biblical enthusiast that there are exactly 3 verses dealing with homosexual sex, none dealing with committed homosexual lovers, and an avalanche of texts exhorting people to practice love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  And that maybe if not fellowshipping with gay people because of 3 verses conflicts with countless others asking that you take them in and feed them and love them and fellowship with them that maybe you have misunderstood what God is asking you to do.

I'd like to suggest there is a difference between worshipping a God embodied by love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control and worshipping a document with more specific rules written for other times and places.  I would gently suggest it is vital the modern Christian decide whether they worship the letter of the law as they think they read it or the spirit of the law behind it.  I would further suggest that when the letter of the law conflicts with the spirit of the law, the spirit should win or you really just worship the book.  To belabor the point, if the letter of the law brings you to act without love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control then the letter of the law as written or interpreted or implemented is a product of man's culture, not God's love.

I've never seen my mother, a good christian woman, happier than when she realized she didn't have to create an artificial distance between herself and gay people, and therefore her son.  That maybe God was not calling the church to drive some sinners from the church but not others with the "good" sins.  That maybe her natural christian instinct to practice  love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control was not limited by whether the person she was dealing with was gay or not.

I'd like to suggest that what God has called people to is strictly up to the person called, and is not something someone outside that person's mind is going to be qualified to comment on.  I'd like to suggest that the church has a surprising lack of training on distinguishing the difference between being moved by the Holy Spirit and being moved by one's own cultural biases.  And that this particular lack of training is their biggest stumbling block in showing the fruits of the spirit to the secular world.

I'd like to suggest that the culture war against gay people and against gay marriage has far more to do with the cultural biases of some believers and the cultural biases of pop culture warriors than it does with God's love.  And I say that because the culture war against gay people has does not yield the fruits of the spirit and it does not lead church members to act with love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control towards gay citizens.

I would suggest is is strange when Christians cry persecution and foul play when it is suggested that they could practice love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control in regards to gay marriage.  I would suggest that it is passing strange when Christians insist that marriage, which they believe can bring a couple closer to God and yield the fruits of the spirit in their lives, would then task themselves with making sure homosexuals are deprived the opportunity to know God in this way.

I would suggest that when gay Christians report no feelings of judgement or conflict with God's law when they are physically and emotionally intimate with their partners, when they believe that relationship has helped bring them love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, that maybe it's not the holy spirit that moves christians to disfellowship them.

I would suggest that if non-celibate gay christians are integrated into church congregations, and what they bring is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, then they are, and may God forgive me for this pun, fruits of the spirit.

I would suggest that while teaching men to form intimate but chaste emotional bonds again is great, it does not necessarily follow that this is the only path God has provided for gay men, any more it is the only path for companionship God has provided for straight men.   I suggest that there is a lot of room in love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control for devoted homosexuals to share a kiss and hold hands in order to show their affection for one another, and that chastity is not the consolation prize God gives gay people for creating them different.  Where is the love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control in demanding chastity in other consenting, devoted adults, but reserving the option of enthusiastic not-chastity for your own relationships?

Reasonable people can disagree. But as far as I'm concerned, no "fruits" allowed in your congregation? No fruits of the spirit then either.

Today's Agnostic Prayer

To whom it may concern,
to whoever's on the line,
To whatever mingles with us,
Invisible or divine.

Whoever takes the credit,
I just wanted to say,
I'm happy to be down here,
On this material plane today.

You may not really be out there,
You may not have a name,
I don't know what's really going on,
But I'm grateful just the same.

Emotionless Eggheads at the top, Idiots with feelings at the bottom

The best line of dialog that ever happened in community happened in their last episode on NBC.  They find Russell Borchert, who has been hiding in a bunker for 30 years, trying to build a machine with feeilngs, because:

Russell:  But without an emotional component, computers would strip us of all humanity and create a society with emotionless eggheads at the top and idiots with feelings at the bottom.  And I refuse to let that happen, and that’s why I’ve spent — What?  What is that?

Britta:  It’s a video of a Kitten

Russell:  And why are those people arguing about it?  And what’s that?

Abed:  That’s an emoticon. That person wants to convey happiness, but they can’t do it with language, so they misuse punctuation to form a smile.

Russell:  *sighs*  That is so … stupid!  Only an idiot would think of this!  Idiots won!

This about sums up my feelings about the world right now.

No, I don't know how to fix it either.

:(

Facebook Slaying

Pulled the plug on Facebook today.  Harder to do than anticipated!  I have more ties on there than I thought I did I think.  Facebook made it easier by being unable to resist one last attempt at manipulation on the logout page itself by putting up random pictures of my friends and telling me they'll miss me.  I suppose I can thank them for not overtly drawing tears onto algorithmically detected eyes?  How creepy is that though?  Facebook doesn't speak for my friends,  and should not pretend to in any circumstance.

Of course, leaving Facebook is like trying to kill the hydra, so no sooner had I suspended Facebook, than I reactivated it by logging into Spotify.  I then discovered that since I made my spotify account with my Facebook login, I would need to unsubscribe from spotify entirely and recreate a facebook-less acount and then re-subscribe in order to keep using it.  After growling briefly, did just that.  Spotify account unsubscribed.  Slightly less manipulation from Spotify but still passive-aggressive, "You're too dumb to know what you're doing so lets remind you of all the good things you can't possibly want to give up." from them on the unsubscribe page.  Social media are like abusive exes when you try to leave.  Super not into that bullshit.  Goddamn professionals should not program web pages that say anything other than:

 "would you like to deactivate your account?"
*yes*
 "Account deactivated, thank you for your business."

So, Facebook account redeactivated.

In the meantime, sharpening my sword and watching patiently for more heads to sprout.

Some more Solipsism

I am shaking up my online world in bits and pieces this week.  I'm quitting Facebook tomorrow, perhaps temporarily, perhaps not.  I'm having second thoughts about it, but wrote a big long essay about how Facebook is built on business practices I find gross so I think I'm committed.  But it is true, I hate everything about it.  It's not a free service.  It's just the price isn't money it's tiny little advertising pitches in the corners of your eyes, a complete surrender of the concept of online privacy and consent to disclose information all to sell you and our valuable metadata.  Metadata is the precious ambergris of our generation.  We the fat, simple whales tagged, tracked and skimmed for our precious, valuable clicks and buys and likes.  

I do go on.  Facebook sucks, and we all know it and it's not just the geocities era website aesthetic.  I don't think I can build better friendships on a platform so comprised at a core level in terms of basic human decency.  I choose not to do it.  I wish there was something LIKE Facebook, except not devoted to tracking and manipulating it's users, but there isn't, not yet.  Although the field is WIDE OPEN for a better way to engage on the internet.  Twitter is apparently thinking of tweaking people's timelines similar to the way Facebook uses and algorithm to manipulate user feeds.  InterNOT.

That was a Newsradio reference, which you should know because that show is wonderful.

I just switched my Goodreads name to my Twitter alias, which seems to confuse people.  I'm increasingly enjoying going by that name.  I'm increasingly considering going by the name in real life to new people.  I've been in a rut, mentally and spiritually for quite a while now and using that name helps me imagine other ways that I want to be. Not that I plan on going by a new name every time I try to make a behavior change, but I have been trying to get past some possibly fictitious barrier in my life for a while now.  From someone who is HERE to someone who is THERE and I think once that switch finally decides to flip it will be a noticeable change.  In which case the new name will seem more appropriate.  Also, I've been increasingly liking the idea of having a secret name with my tribe and a public name for the world, which, of course, I got from my latest rewatch of Dune.  The point here is, this makes sense to me on a level that I believe is not unreasonable.  And once I finish sorting it out it will seem more reasonable.  No, my secret name is not Usul.  On a related note, personally I am convinced Captain Von Trapp was Fremen.  It's the only thing that explains the names he gave his children.

I just figured out how to embed my goodreads reviews in my blog, so that's exciting.  Now I just need to figure what the hell is up with my blogs.  I like Contents May Settle, I like having a space to try and write more polished things, or more formal pieces not, say, about me, myself and I.  Many of my "reviews" don't really hold up to my own standards though, which makes me feel inclined to post them here, which is a more, uh, experimental place.  Or maybe I could stop being lazy and make a better blog site for myself, with tabs for reviews, blogs, micro-blogging, social media.  And maybe some bigger projects should I ever figure out how to wrangle my anxiety and undiagnosed ADD enough to actually finish things.  Maybe the process will be, first impressions on goodreads, and then the reviews I want to flesh out I can post on CMS.  Works in progress will go here.

Twitter can stay as long as it doesn't try to emulate its big brother too much.  I try to follow people who post interesting links to articles in my general areas of interest and trying to stay out of silly fights with famous authors and it's been more useful.

I think I actually need to start taking notes if I want my reviews to get better.  Just so I can quote some of the better lines and maybe help my thoughts come together.  The truth is the books I've been reading have been sparking good trains of thought and I want to talk about them coherently.  Notes would help.

Other than that, I think I need to start exercising, reading more, avoiding LCD screens more and getting into the forest to stay sane.  You know what I like about trees?  They don't try to sell me shit based on the pattern of my footfalls.

Upcoming pieces, which I've been dragging my feet on and should abandon but would like to actually finish:

Some thoughts on Terry Pratchett's the Long Earth and the ideas therein.

What's smart about Mieville's the City and the City and why I misread it so badly when I first started it.

A 4 book review opus plus essay dealing with paranormal topics, because why not and I want to.

About 8 short stories that I really want to write.

Some brief thoughts on this summer's movies.  You know that little movie Guardians of the Galaxy?  It's good.  You should see it.

Some thoughts on spirituality versus secularism and my struggles with it.

That seems like enough to start, I guess?

That's the haps.  That's the peeps.  That's the lint swirling around the old navel.

The Long Hello

The Long Earth by Terry Pratchett
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

If you're looking for some light SF reading, you could do much worse than the Long Earth. I find it interesting that people are accusing this of being stealth YA material, because it read to me much more like the classic SF stories I love which are big on ideas and light on complicated prose. I love the exploration here of the Long Earth, and western civilization's tendency to push ever westward into unexplored territory. I love the push and pull between Lobsang and Joshua as two oddballs off to explore the multiverse. I even love the attempt to work old mythology into the premise, which works surprisingly well.

This is a classic adventure story more along the lines of Journey to the Center of the Earth more than anything. The premise here is so big that the potential implications of the discovery on datum Earth and humanity as a whole are only barely touched before it works its way to the big cliff-hanger finale. I like the little touches of Pratchett's humor and I like how weird it gets to towards the end.

While other discerning readers may want to quibble about the ending, or the writing style or what-have-you, all I'll say is it consistently kept me turning pages because I had to see what they discovered next. That's good enough for me to recommend it.

-1 star for the cliffhanger ending, because I hate cliffhangers.

View all my reviews

Don't Come Over

Don't come over

We're probably all depressed

We're all so downbeat

We can't even get dressed

You're too cheerful

It's probably for the best

We just lie here

With this hollow in our chest

We thought you'd like it

If you wouldn't be our guest.

So don't come over

We're all naked and depressed.

Addendum

I know that last was low-hanging fruit, although likely fruit that doesn't hang quite so low as you would be led to believe, but it's just one of those things that nags at me.  I just don't know how we fail so many guys so dramatically in teaching them how to socialize without making a complete ass out of themselves and I think we should talk about it more.

The Many Perils of Phallic Photography

I've never quite felt in tune with "guyness" whatever that means.  I understand I have and exemplify many of the positive and negative traits of high-testosterone havers.  For instance, I constantly decry the ubiquity of mansplainers, who basically seem to train themselves on irrelevant trivia and wait for opportunities to jump on minor mistakes in order to establish themselves as some kind of authority on just about anything.  And I do that in a very mansplainy way that might be construed as a way to say, "actually, I think I've got some important information to deliver authoritatively to you."  So yes, I am that which I decry and practice projection religiously even though I have never actually worked in a moving-picture theater and was not raised in some kind of freaky A/V cult.

That said, there are some behaviors I have never gotten, and do not still continue to get.  Consider, for instance, the dick pic.  Or rather, don't consider it because who cares about a random guy's dick?  Basically no one, except for the dick addicted (not that there's anything wrong with that!)  trolling for pictures on the internet, which is why it's so odd that the sending of dick pics and, more broadly, the inappropriate injection of crass sexuality into what was otherwise a polite conversation of new acquaintances is widespread enough that I don't even have to explain more than this and you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.  I mean, goddamn successful, famous and wealthy adult men apparently do this constantly, and not just the ones named "weiner" by a saucy universe.  And if you don't, please peruse Straight White Boys Texting for some depressing examples of the phenomenon.  I genuinely don't understand how many guys make it to adulthood and think an appropriate meet-n-greet with a stranger that has put forward absolutely no sexual indicators of any kind is an unsolicited close-up of their junk.  Or that they're horny.  Or that hey, do you like sex?  Because they and their dick think about it all the time and this is important information for everyone to know.  Basically, how do so many guys get to adulthood without realizing that their dick and its arousal level aren't particularly fascinating to the general population?

Even in my gay dating phase on internet sites, I had to screen out the "got pics" guys whose profile picture was a torso and thought "dtf?" was an a nice way to say hello.  I mostly just ignored them, but it was all I could do not to reply, "Got a command of language and words and interesting ideas you can express with them?"

Of course, I endlessly consider whether this is just a matter of prudery on my part, and maybe there exists a diverse network of well-received dick picing from random strangers all around me that me and my prudish mind are sheltered from that people just aren't talking about.  But I kinda doubt it.  "I got an unsolicted dick pic and I liked it." hasn't even busted into the top 100 on the pop charts as far as I'm aware.

So here's the advice I wish someone, one goddamn person, in twenty or thirty years of life would have given to these poor clueless bastards:

Sometimes, you will meet someone who is attractive to you.  And your body will respond very strongly and you will get a funny feeling in your pants and it will seem very urgent to let the other person know that you are now interested in sex with them and you have a funny feeling in your pants and would they like to see your weiner?  STOP right there.  It is very important to engage other senses and ideas in this moment.  Take a breath and assess the situation.  Have you and this person even exchanged words yet?  If not, control your rampant libido for 5 seconds and say "hello!" with a friendly smile, or another suitably neutral greeting.  It is vital to continue to control your sex drive at this time.  You will want to drop your pants or send them a picture of your wang, and it is important to RESIST those actions when you first meet someone.  In actual fact, you can assume that at any given time, in any given situation NO ONE is interested in your dick pic and whether you are horny.  Which isn't to say that's actually true at all times, you may have an admirer who quite likes imagining your dick pic, but for the sake of making good impressions and setting up romantic and/or sexual encounters down the road and giving everyone else a fucking break, it is important to assume that no one gives a shit about your dick or your horniness and that therefore maybe it's best to keep it to yourself for the time being.  Not that these things are anything to be ashamed of! Just that they're likely not things that other people who don't know you or aren't into you are going to be interested in.    NOT sending a dick pic is rarely a deal-breaker in the dating world, so this is usually a safe course of action.  And, frankly, everyone knows guys, especially young guys, are aroused by light breezes.  So the simple fact that an attraction has given you a boner will not be of particular note to strangers or potential lovers.  Shapely clouds give guys boners, it's really not that much of a compliment.

From this point on, it is important to have practiced reading body language.  Reading body language, and in some cases understanding plain English, is vital in achieving the remotest chance at sexual interaction with this new person that you know nothing about but are suddenly incredibly attracted to. If they ignore your greeting, or shy away from you, that means they're not interested in what you're about right now.  This is OKAY.  It's important to accept that the reality that your sexual attraction will sometimes be completely, utterly and hopelessly one-sided.  Even though, at times, your body will be screaming "you and me are a perfect mating pair and we should do it a lot!" this will likely NOT be the response of someone who's just met you, and doesn't know you very well.  But do not despair!  While a "Not interested," can be disappointing, the truth is the faster you accept a "No, I don't think we're a good match." the sooner you can get to finding someone who things you ARE a good match and maybe wants to see your dick.

NOTE:  In the early stages of meeting someone, it is STILL important not to send an unsolicited dick pic or mention your horniness in a conversation about her (or his) aunt's funeral.  While a strong sex drive will make you impatient, it is important to understand a lifetime of hurt and other mitigating factors will make many men and women cautious about jumping into bed with random strangers.  They like to do things like exchange words, and assess whether you're capable of spending time together without it being about you or your photogenic penis all the time, or whether you'd be fun to hang out with even if you're not having sex, or whether you're dangerous, or whether you're just someone who likes to sleep around a lot and will drop out of their lives as soon as you've notched your bedpost.  For instance, many people are looking for a man who does more than ignore them while playing games, talk about horniness and send dick pics in lieu of actual conversation.  If you're a gay man in Portland, the odds of finding another guy who's kind of into that is pretty high.  Otherwise, the odds are lower than you probably think they are.  Sometimes people want to spend time with you without hearing about your horniness or your viral penis pictures for a WHOLE DAY.  This is okay, you still have your hand in emergencies.  NOTE:  It is still important to masturbate privately and not mention it to someone who has otherwise not yet expressed any particular interest in your sexuality.  "I was thinking of you as I masturbated" is the kind of statement best left for well after consensual sexual activities have commenced somewhere down the line.

By this point, you are probably frustrated.  "Well, when CAN I talk about my horniness and my endless supply of personal penile erotica?"  The sad truth is, the occasions where injecting your personal state of arousal into a random conversation are extremely limited.  If you're ever in doubt, you should absolutely NOT mention your arousal or your penis in normal conversation, even with potential sexual partners.  I want to assure you at this point, if you are a young man, and you are sexually attracted to someone, you will have a tell.  You will have about 20 tells.  The other party will, I promise, at some point pick up on the fact that you are interested in them.   Stating explicitly what everyone can see as the obvious truth is absolutely not necessary in these early stages.  And honestly, when someone is interested in your sexuality, it will likely not be subtle from their end.  All you need to do  is talk, be friendly, be flirty (but WITHOUT mentioning your penis or your horniness!) and anyone who thinks you have potential will flirt back, or will smile at you, or get nervous, or will shift their body so it faces you or will put there hand on your hand, or will kiss you.  This is not necessarily the go ahead for a quick dick pic or an unsubtle sex joke, or wild pelvic grinding but keep smiling and talking and maybe kissing!  Unambiguous signs that a dick pic or a sex joke might be appropriate are:  they have sent you a naked picture and are requesting one from you.   Success!  Free your phallus from zipped oppression and sext away.  Or they will make their own unsubtle sex joke, at which point you can be like, "ooh, yes let's have sex please now that you've suggested it."  As unintuitive as it may seem, NOT immediately talking about your boner complete with photographic illustrations, and continuing to NOT do those things as you talk to people you find almost unbearably attractive, can eventually lead to being invited to do both of those things!  Your attraction to them will slip out in the way you act and talk, so please rest assured there's no need to snap a dick pick and and make a joke about sex so they know you are a person interested in sex.  They get it.  They have already assumed or noticed that.

So try it!  Have patience, practice reading body language, practice getting rejected (learning from rejection is a great way to learn how to meet the right person and BE the right person!  I promise!) and eventually (sooner than you think!) you'll figure it out and land a hottie!  The sad truth about socializing is it takes practice to be any good at it, and it takes practice to control your sex drive long enough to have any chance of a rewarding sexual interaction with people you are attracted to.  For instance, it is important to learn to distinguish between signs of interest and signs of disinterest.  By all means express your interest, but in the realm of dating, conversation more subtle and restrained than "Here's my dick, I am horny." will go a long way in winning you friends and lovers.  The happy truth about socializing is you will get better at it, as long as you keep putting yourself out there, learn from your mistakes, listen to feedback on how your actions affect the people around you, and honestly try.  Remember, just because your social interactions might be awkward now, it doesn't mean you are a bad person, or can't learn it, it just means you haven't learned it YET.  If you can set aside your ego, and to some degree your raging sex drive and infinite catalog of instagrammed erections, it only takes a few months to (or less!) to learn how to read people better and learn how socialize more effectively. And more effective socialization will lead to, wait for it (really, wait for it), more opportunities at sex and love!

You can do it.  I know you can.  But, for the love of god, stop sending pictures of your dick and horniness updates to people you hardly know.  You're a sentient adult and adults are capable of self-control, even when they are very aroused.  You can do it.  It will be great.

Upon Receiving, part 2

Upon receiving your notification today
Upon receiving your interest on Facebook
I remembered your face
the countless times
you screamed at me
for all my many
and varied 
INFIDELITIES
which never existed
any old place
outside of your head
and I cringed
because I remember
the infidelities were yours
and you punished me for it
and I am not
particularly
INTERESTED IN THAT

Upon receiving your interest on Facebook
Upon reflecting on my abiding interest in men
I remembered your daughter
and the pets who died 
well after leaving my house
including Max
who I 
LOVED
and how you
continued to punish me
by insisting
 I was responsible
for what you did
that I was in charge
of 
YOUR FEAR
and I thought maybe
I might decline
because while I should forgive
and to forgive is divine
I'm not convinced I'll know you
if you say hello
and I hear
"HAIL SATAN"

Upon Receiving

Upon receiving your notification today
Upon receiving your interest on Facebook
I remembered your son
And how you told the rest of us
his friends
YOUR SON
that because he had revealed to you
of his abiding interest in other men
and for refusing to be ashamed
he had now been sent to his mother
where he could
as I recall
"SERVE SATAN"

Upon receiving your interest on Facebook
Upon reflecting on my abiding interest in men
I remembered your son
And how you taught love
but could not abide love for other men
for fear of not being loved
by the man-god of love
but not
MAN-LOVE
and I thought maybe
I might decline
because while I should forgive
and to forgive is divine
I'm not convinced you'll know me
if I say hello
and you hear
"HAIL SATAN"

Much Effect About Nothing

MASS EFFECT 3 SPOILERS

So, in very timely fashion, I have finally finished the mass effect trilogy this week.  Which, naturally, brought me to the much-maligned ending of the series.  Having played the original 3 choices and then again with the extended cut DLC with the same save file, I have some thoughts.  I guess.

I should probably mention first, that I didn't hate it.  I scratched my head a little, but I've seen much worse endings in other games and other SF stories.  This ending is roughly the same as Matrix Revolutions or BSG, which I didn't hate either, but also didn't love.  I feel like there was as philosophical bioware-esque decision tree in bioware where they got to choose the ending they were going to give to people and, for some reason, they chose hand-wavey philosophical navel-gazing that unnecessarily undercut earlier narrative, gave very little closure on what had come before and introduced a number of unnecessary plot holes.  So I consider the ending mediocre, with problems, but acceptable.  What can I say, I have a soft spot for philosophical wanking, no matter how out of place or wrong-headed in context.

But before we get into some critiques of the story's ending, I'd like to discuss the ending in terms of gameplay, which actually irritated me a little bit.  In terms of what you're expecting as gameplay leading up to the end, we more or less expect it to play out like the previous two games, some hard waves of tough enemies, culminating in a boss fight or two against the illusive man and maybe another reaper.  In fact, I fully expected to actually reach the citadel with my squad, and fight my way to the control room through cerberus and reaper forces, fight the illusive man and win.  The game gives this impression so strongly I can only assumed they changed their mind about it at the last minute for monetary, deadline, or political reasons.  So it was disappointing not to fight through a corrupted citadel to start.  The real kick in the nuts gameplay-wise is the actual final bit of combat you do, which is a completely obnoxious slow motion sequence where enemies you would normally eat as an appetizer for lunch, rush you in slow motion and you are given an unsteady gun with sloppy controls to fight them.  It feels incredibly cheap, especially on a ps3 controller, which made it near impossible to beat that stupid shielded marauder.  After the sixth stupid death because of all the stupid, artificial ham-stringing, I just switched to narrative difficulty so I could finish the story from here.  All in all, it wasn't really a triumphant finale in terms of gameplay, which is a bummer, because it could have been.  Not that the end fights in ME1 and 2 were really all that epic and challenging, but because they delivered on the promise of the story up to that point.  You get to do what you set out to do and fight fun(ish) bosses.

Which brings us back to the story.  I basically consider bioware stories glorified "choose your own adventure" books, so it doesn't really bother me when I make a choice and get a brick to the face, because that kind of goes with the genre.  But the original ending was kind of a head-scratcher even given my low expectations. For one, they kind of kill any mystique associated with the reapers.  There were exactly two moments that really interested me in the first game.  The plant/spore consciousness on Feros and the conversation with Sovereign, where you realize the ship is actually alive and the real villain.  Those moments were fun.  And through most of 1, 2 and 3 they use those moments sparingly and keep the reaper's motivations mysterious.  In fact, they outright state several times that the reaper consciousness is playing on fields we can't comprehend, for reasons we'll never understand and I was okay with that.  It didn't really matter why they were doing what they were doing, just that they were dark machine gods and we were going to stop them.

So, you can imagine my dismay when the collective reaper consciousness explains its purpose in two sentences.

1.  Machines always fight their creators.
2.  Selective harvesting of organics is what keeps synthetic life from wiping out organic life forever.

See, not only is that unknowable, it's not even complicated.  So basically the awe and terror of dark gods harvesting humanity is reduced to a fart noise.  Personally, it would have been perfectly satisfying to kill the reapers or defeat their dark purpose, without ever understanding why they're doing it.  It's a better metaphor relating to technology anyway:  we're not sure what we're doing, but we're going to keep trying.  Plus it has the benefit of fitting everything that came before in the story.

Which is the second problem with the original,  and to some degree the extended, ending:  it doesn't really fit what the story is about previous to that.  Like I said, I'm a fan of metaphysical and/or philosophical navel-gazing in my SF, but not when you just dump it randomly into a story that heretofore has NOT been particularly philosophical.  I like the movie Solaris, but it's weird, artsy SF from start to finish.  This game is mostly an action space adventure which dabbles in certain themes yes, but is mostly about over-coming all odds, defying authority and doing what you think is right anyway and yes, the relationship of the geth to the Quarians (and the rest of the galaxy).  But I wouldn't say it's a philosophical treatise about man's relationship to machines up until this point.  It's mostly a series of smaller character arcs, action-packed military adventure and SF short story style missions.  So it's really jarring for the game to turn around at the very end and tell you it's about something different than you thought it was, and oh yeah the bad guy (in this case the illusive man) was right all along.  So they write a story about defying corrupt, evil, incompetent authority at every turn only to end by insisting that actually authority was right all along and don't you feel foolish.  I like story twists fine, but not when they seem like a gratuitous "haha fuck you" to the audience.  To be honest, all 3 original endings just seem like either the result of running out of money or time.  Or a writing team that just couldn't decide so they wrote a compromise that pleased no one.

Beyond those problems, there were a number of plot holes and plot threads left extremely dangling that, for me, the extended DLC more or less resolves.  Playing the ending again with the DLC enabled, I was relatively satisfied with how things wrapped up for both the paragon and singularity endings.  I spent two games trying to make sure my choose-your-own adventure ended with the geth and the quarians reconciled, and it was nice to see that work didn't go to waste, like the original ending implied.  In fact, after the DLC the only issues I really have are the ones mentioned above.

As for Shepherd dying, I was fully prepared for that and think it's a fine choice.  They more or less telegraph the fact that she's going to sacrifice herself for the galaxy at the end of the game through more or less the entirety of ME3.  You say goodbye to everyone at least once, sometimes twice.  And while I do wish there were some way I could have arranged events that left Liara and my femshep popping out blue babies happily ever after, losing a long, happy life just makes it a more dramatic sacrifice, right?  So yeah, I'm okay with hero's journeys that end in the ultimate sacrifice.  That's kind of the deal with choosing heroism as a career.

So yeah, they made some truly gob-smacking choices in gameplay and story right at the end there, but the extended DLC smooths over most of my issues with the original ending.  Enough to provide closure at any rate.  And even with the remaining problems, well, it doesn't really sour what came before.  The gameplay is still quite fun and the over-arching story was never really what I was there for anyway.  I enjoyed the smaller character arcs much more (especially Tali, Jack and Garrus) and those are tied up long before the main story ending.  And hey, overall it's still pretty good for a choose-your-own-adventure.

I feel like I could make a really compelling case that Teal'c and Daniel Jackson are closeted, late-blooming gay or bi men who could have fallen in love.  For one, they both have wives they never really seemed to want to spend time or have sex with.  For another, they held together pretty well when events forced them and their wives apart.  Hey guys, I've been there.  You think you have to settle down with a woman because that's what everyone expects of you and you're doing your best, but they never really seem to complete, you, you know?  But Teal'c smells like home and Daniel is adorable when he furrows his brow over something and you should just hold each other to get through this hard time.  And maybe make out a little, just to see.

To Boldly Gate, Season 2

Having purchased season 2, you are no doubt eager to see if the main cast and the planet earth will indeed die in episode 1.  I salute your willing suspension of disbelief in dedication to the Stargate program.  The TV program I mean.

Episode 1:  The Serpent's Lair
The mighty Bra'tac arrives to give SG-1 the edge they need to send Apophis and his Skaar-stealing son crawling back to their home territories.  This and the last really are pretty decent action episodes, and this one has a great finish.  They escape a giant fireball in death gliders.  That sentence alone should sell the episode.

Episode 2:  In the Line of Duty
After a fairly disturbing opening scene, where Carter's reward for trying to resuscitate a human alien with CPR is to get a mouth-to-mouth brain snake infestation, Carter is possessed by the Tok'ra Jolinar.  Carter's life is ultimately saved by the alien's sacrifice.  This is the first indication that not all parasitic brain worms are as evil as they might appear at first glance.  An important introduction to the Tok'ra with many repercussions down the line.

Episode 3:  Prisoners
A prison episode!  The team gets sent up the wormhole after accidentally breaking the laws of a draconian alien civilization.  Here they meet a helpful old chemist who helps them escape.  They then set her free, because it fails to occur to them to ask what she's there for.  It turns out she used to make chemical weapons of mass destruction and unleash them on planets as a former career.  Oops.  Also, for a prison episode, there was a disappointing lack of homoerotic subtext between team members, trapped in a strange and confusing place.  Or was there?  I like to imagine Teal'c and Daniel Jackson had some tender moments in between scenes.

Episode 4:  The GameKeeper
A classic SF trope episode, featuring Barkley from Star Trek.  The team is trapped by VR chairs in the middle of a garden.  There an insane AI has trapped real people in the virtual reality he's constructed, and convinced them that it's too unsafe for them to disconnect.  I think they've done this exact same episode in Star Trek Voyager and Lexx.   Kind of a good episode, a little creepy and a little goofy.

Episode 5:  Need
The team is captured after Daniel saves the princess of another world.  Except for Daniel, who is rescued by a princess who gives him access to a goa'uld sarcophagus.  Little does anyone know, but extended use of goa'uld sarcophagi makes the user kind of crazy and unpleasant.  So that doesn't end well.  My favorite part is how everyone on the team spends the whole episode toiling away in a mine and hating Daniel, who is quietly going insane on the surface.  But hey, at least we know why the Goa'uld have such charming personalities now.

Episode 6:  Thor's Chariot
Another great Asgard episode.  The team returns to Cimmeria because they broke Thor's Hammer, the magic device that protected Cimmeria from the Goa'uld, and they've since become enslaved by Heru'ur.  The team journeys deep into an asgardian temple, where Thor is revealed to be a little grey alien via long-distance holgram.  Most notable for the awesome CGI ship they must have dumped most of the episode's budget into revealed in the last few minutes.   One of my favorite scenes in the series.

Episode 7:  Message in a Bottle
One of the gloriously weird alien machine intelligence episodes.  A crazy device pins O'neill to the wall and threatens the entire base.  Just a brutal and tense episode.  One of the best this season, although there are many good ones here.

Episode 8:  Family
What a totally awkward episode.  For one:  child actors.  For another: lots of crying and yelling from child actors.  Teal'c's son has been brainwashed, and they all attempt to deprogram him.  Has the weird vibe of an after-school show about cults.  Ends with this excruciating scene where Teal'c shoots his own kid with a Zat.  The solution literally turns out to be:  shoot him with a stun gun.  Not my favorite episode, just more fall-out from Teal'c's choice.

Episode 9:  Secrets
The second act of Daniel's doomed marriage.  He returns to Abydos to find his Goa'uld wife pregnant with his enemy's son.  So that's a little rough.  I think this was about the time they weren't going to make much long-term use of Sha're's character, so they just set her on the downward path.  Also features a reporter on Earth threatening to expose the program, which is a topic they return to often, but never to my satisfaction.  Ends with the government apparently murdering the reporter by vehicle in order to keep him quiet.  This show has a pretty dark view of U.S. politics.  But really, can you blame them?

Episode 10:  Bane
A good Teal'c episode.  Teal'c gets stung and starts turning into a bug man, as happens so often in the Stargate universe.  After he escapes the SGC he befriends a precocious child who tends to him while he cocoons himself to complete his transformation.  I'm reading that sentence again and realizing this is a very weird episode with some cool bugs.

Episode 11: The Tok'ra (Part 1)
A great episode starting the end to the story arc between Carter and her dad started a few episodes back.  The team finally meets the Tok'ra, introducing Carter to her second alien suiter, Martouf/Lantash.  Lots of freaky-voiced people standing around in silver outfits though.  Although not subtle on the fore-shadowing.  Hmm, this alien is dying and needs a host.  Hmmm, this human is dying and an alien parasite could cure him.  If only there were a way to meet both their needs.  Both are doomed I guess.

Episode 12:  The Tok'ra (Part 2)
Or are they?  I really enjoyed the scene where Carter tells her dad about the stargate and the miracle head-slug cure.  They didn't have that kind of moment enough in the series for my taste.  The ending you didn't see coming happens on alien planet and Carter's dad becomes part man/part snake.  I tease, but these couple of episodes are pretty good.  Selmak/Jacob is one of my favorite characters, and his "origin story" is pretty good.

Episode 13:  Spirits
The team attempts to bargain with the descendants of native americans (again, roughty 30 within walking distance of the stargate) for mineral rights to a valuable mineral.  An odd story about guardian forest spirits who turn out to be weird aliens with fancy technology.  I'm not sure what to think of it.

Episode 14:  Touchstone
An "earthmen can be bad guys too" episode where the team tracks down a rogue team running illegal missions from the second stargate.  Features a very silly island nation whose very comic booky "weather machine" has been stolen by Team X.  And, as they've been violating the natural weather with their machine for hundreds of years, the planet unleashes a grudge storm in an attempt to destroy all their simple huts and carefree island barbecues.  Warehouses are investigated, shots are fired, nobody gets caught, but hey, at least the islanders get their machine and carefree lifestyle back.  I like to think Daniel and Teal'c took a moment to celebrate amidst the dunes, under the moonlight, waves crashing to the shore ....

Episode 15:  The Fifth Race
The first official contact with the Asgard!  I love everything about Jack talking to the little grey aliens.  And the bit where he gets the ancient language upload and starts inserting random ancient words into sentences is played well.  Also introduces the concept of 8-gate address for connecting to other galaxies.  Great episode.

Episode 16:  A Matter of Time
Another one of my favorite episodes of the series.  A panicked team dial Earth trying to get away from a black hole.  But they're so close to getting sucked in it causes a time to slow down at the Earth's end as well.  The fact that the physics if all wrong in this scenario is waved away by the presence of the stargate.  A fun episode with some fun time compression aspects about a black hole nearly destroying Earth through the back door.  Sneaky bastards.

Episode 17:  Holiday
An old man switches bodies with Daniel and won't give it back.  Not as much fun as Freaky Friday.  Not my favorite.

Episode 18:  Serpent's song
The first death of Apophis and the introduction of Sokar.  The team captures Apophis, watches him die, and then, under threat of attack via scary Goa'uld hologram, returns him to Sokar who will undoubtedly revive and torture him.  So not a feel good episode, but a good episode.

Episode 19:  One False Step
One of the last and weirdest classic SF stories of the first 2 seasons.  Little strange, mute bald boys in earth-tone unitards running around everywhere.  The alien physiology turns out to be interesting but definitely a foray into the weirder, experimental theater side of Stargate.

Episode 20:  Show and Tell
A nice and enjoyably weird episode about a boy and his invisible bug mother who arrive to warn of an attack by invisible bug terrorists.  Luckily the Tok'ra have some invisible bug-exploding black light weapons to suss them out.  Solid all around.

Episode 21:  1969
Probably my favorite episode of the second season, even though it's completely silly.  A solar flare sends the team back down the wormhole only to emerge in 1969.  I mostly love it for Teal'c dressed as a tie-dyed hippie.  Although the time travel stuff is kind of fun too.  And I suspect Teal'c and Daniel learned a little something about the summer of love.   Which again, they frustratingly leave on the cutting room floor.

Episode 22:  Having learned nothing from what I imagine was a well-coordinated and irate letter campaign about season cliffhangers, the season ends with the team once again on the brink of disaster.  This time they've been captured by Hathor the seductive snake, who puts on an elaborate charade to convince each member of the team that they've been frozen for 8 decades or so and should therefore casually mention all of Earth's secrets. Disappointingly, due to this setup, Daniel Jackson and Teal'c have no opportunity to exchange lingering glances.  The real cliffhanger, as always, is when those two are finally going to admit how they feel about each other.  Not this time.  Maybe next season.

Time to buy season 3.  Yes, these summaries will probably eventually be taken over almost entirely by slash fiction style shipping of Daniel Jackson and Teal'c.  Yes, that would be awesome.

To Boldly Gate

I've been watching a little stargate recently because I loves it, I wants it, I needs it.  Here's my brief recap of season 1 for no reason (with many spoilers).

I saw the Stargate movie on Netflix and it drew me in the other night.  Kurt Russell and James Spader are still dreamy.  And Jay Davidson is incredible as Ra.  Back down the wormhole we go.

Episode 1/2:  Children of the Gods.
Feels a bit like a poor man's rehash of the movie, but it's a fairly strong start.  Introducing the new actors and characters.  On Amazon, episode 1 is the showtime pilot, and episode 2 is an abridged version of that to start the syndicated series.  You can safely skip episode 2.  If you watched all of episode 1, there's literally no new footage.  Although it may just be that Amazon botched the DVD upload or something.

Episode 3: The Enemy Within.
It's time to kill off the characters who didn't get picked up for the full season after the pilot.  In this case, poor Major Kowalksy who becomes the first of many protagonists to get possessed by the Goa'uld.  A strong follow-up to the pilot with a somewhat more gruesome-than-normal ending.

Episode 4:  Emancipation.  
The first couple seasons contain some mildly regrettable classic SF tropes.  This episode would not have felt too out of place in Star Trek: TOS.  They journey to a world ruled by descendants of Monguls (who have never advanced), who have regressive attitudes towards women.  Although I love the quicky establishment of Captain Carter as a character who kicks ass and does not particularly give a crap about romancing men, the episode as a whole is a bit cheesy.  A fun story about Carter versus sexist barbarians, but strangely antiquated in its own way.  Skippable.

Episode 5:  The Broca Divide.
Another Tropish SF story about Minoan descendants life on a world strictly separated in to a "light side" and a "dark side"  This is a little more fantasy than usual, and I suspect this episode and the last were SF short stories that were bought and adapted for the series.  Or at least, that's how they feel.  There a morlocks (of generic name) on the dark side, and it turns out they are the demented victims of a strange disease, that the light-side minoans are strangely not panicked about considering how often it seems to happen.  And it should alarm them considering their population seems to consist of roughly 25 people due to budgetary constraints.  The cure turns out to be Daniel's antihistamines, because science.  Skippable. Although having said that, potentially worth it for the part where Carter and O'neill devolve into cave people for a bit.

Episode 6: The First commandment.
This is a story archetype Stargate: Atlantis will come back to a few times down the road.  A SG team leader goes crazy from heat stroke from weird solar radiation and takes over a random human village as a god.  The nice thing about the Stargate universe is you can always count on finding a village of about 30 people within comfortable walking distance of the stargate. These kind of stories tend to bore me, but this one is solid enough.  I liked the angle that this was Carter's crazy ex-boyfriend.  Especially given her reaction to the news.  "Oh, he thinks he's god?  Yeah, that sounds about right."

Episode 7:  Cold Lazarus
Kind of a sweet story about a sentient blue crystal that takes Colonel Oneill's form and goes back to Earth to try and fix the brokenness he senses in the Colonel around the death of his son.  It's a very odd way to explore such a heavy topic, but it works.

Episode 8:  The Nox
The early seasons have some interesting alien costume designs that wouldn't feel out of place in the original Star Trek.  This episode, in particular, has Armen Shimerman in one of the silliest get-ups you'll ever see him in, and that includes his Quark costume.  That said, I still enjoy this episode a lot, partly for the pacifist message of the Nox, and partly for the clear Jack Kirby influence apparent in the final shot.  Definitely a little silly, but this is an important episode for the first season, where they start to set the seeds of future plots.

Episode 9:  Brief Candle
Another classic SF style episode.  An alien babe marries an unsuspecting O'neill on a world once ruled by the Goa'uld.  The catch:  in this city everyone ages rapidly and lives exactly 100 days from birth to death.  Somehow O'neill gets infected and it's up to the team to figure out how to reverse the effects.  The first of several "Jack gets marooned and romances a woman" episodes.  As well as the first "someone on the team ages rapidly then gets returned back to normal unharmed." episodes, which are always a little funny.  Apparently artificial aging wears off after a while.  Good to know.

Episode 10:  Thor's Hammer
One of my favorite, maybe THE favorite, episodes of the season.  First introduction of the Asgard race. Viking village with badass women as leaders.  Cool interpretation of Thor's hammer.  First introduction of the Unas, who are scary.  Genuinely hard choice at the end, that has repercussions later in the season.  Builds further on Goa'uld mythology and introduces the possibility that hosts can be saved.  Must watch.

Episode 11:  The Torment of Tantalus
Another great episode, tying all the way back to the stargate movie, and filling in some of the time between the discovery of the stargate in Giza and the modern day.  Love the premise, that Catherine's lost love went through the stargate and has been trapped on the other side for 50 years or so.  Love how they take the opportunity to expand the universe's mythology of ancient races at the same time.

Episode 12:  Bloodlines
This one is notable as the first introduction of Bra'tac, as well as Teal'c's whiny son Rya'c.  What I like about this episode is how it more or less lays out the logical ramifications of Teal'c quitting his Job and running off to help Earthlings fight Apophis for a year or so:  His wife marries someone else and his son hates him for not being there.  There is some reconciliation at the end, but it doesn't last.  Teal'c sacrifices a great deal to fight the Goa'uld and this episode is where we and Teal'c start to understand the depth of that sacrifice.

Episode 13:  Fire and Water
Not central to the main story, but I like this one.  I like fish people and fancy underwater technology and this has both.  A little silly in parts.  For instance, one thing the show simply gave up on from the get-go was dealing with language difficulties in communicating with people from other planets.  To keep it simple, everyone in the galaxy speaks English and they dance right past that without ever explaining why.  So the occasional episode where the alien doesn't speak english, or only speaks broken english is kind of jarring.  Because why does everyone but this guy seem to know it?  Because  the ancients, that's why.  Or because history.  Or because science.  Because shut up, that's why.

Episode 14:  Hathor
One of my favorite episodes of first season.  The Goa'uld Hathor seduces uses powerful lady magic to seduce the dudes on the base, and the unaffected women led by Captain Carter go Full Metal Jacket on Hathor and her drones because nuh-uh.  I love this episode because I feel like the series creators tried hard to create fully-fleshed out female characters who are smart, competent, decisive bad-asses who bow to man in defending their expertise in their fields and who are not dressed as if they exist only to appear attractive to men.  And this episode is a great combination of an old-school "lady seductress disrupts the boys club" SF plot and a modern "and here's what the bad ass, fully actualized women of SG-1 think of that noise."  Especially entertaining is Dr. Frasier in fatigues kicking ass.  Great episode, even the silly bits.  As always, I enjoy Jack's complete apathy in response to seduction.  "... okay I guess."

Episode 15:  Singularity
Non-necessary story, but introduces Cassandra, who shows up a few more times later in the series.  Highlights what nasty pieces of work the Goa'uld are.  Morbid episode, with lots of tension at the end.  Great development of Captain Carter's character.  In general I love how Captain Carter's character defies TV trope gender expectations and this episode is no exception.

Episode 16:  Cor-ai
Teal'c is tried on a random planet for his crimes as First Prime of Apophis.  I really enjoyed this episode, and really enjoyed how Christopher Judge plays it.  This is one of those episodes that shows off the good heart of the series.  The dark side of Teal'c's former life had to be dealt with at some point, and they handle it very well here.  Further, I enjoy a plot that explores the power of change and forgiveness, and the risk/rewards versus self-righteous vengeance (or justice if that's what you're calling it).

Episode 17:  Enigma
One of the first episodes where Carter picks up a moon-eyed suiter on a mission.  One of the things I love about Carter's character is how romance is clearly not all that interesting to her in the face of exploring other planets through a convenient portal.  Introduces the Tollan as reluctant allies who show up in the first 5 seasons quite frequently.

Episode 18:  Solitudes
One of the better stories in the first season, with a great mid-episode plot twist.  Carter and O'neill get stuck on an ice-world after an explosion rear-ends their wormhole.  Introduces Earth's second stargate.  Explores Carter and O'neill's relationship a little further.  More on that later.

Episode 19:  Tin Man
A fun episode about how the team gets cloned as androids by the eccentric remnant of a long dead civilization.  Comtraya!

Episode 20:  There but for the Grace of God
I love alternate universe stories, so I enjoyed this episode in particular.  Daniel finds a cache of alien technology, and after a brief but completely professional round of "what does this button do?" is dismayed to find himself in an alternate universe where Apophis is about half-way through destroying the world.  Basically an excuse to tell the story of Apophis destroying earth without lasting consequences.  Unless you're one of those poor bastards stuck on Earth B of course.  I'm sure the knowledge that another Earth can be saved from their destruction is a great comfort to them as they slave endlessly in service to the old gods, come again.

Episode 21:  Politics.
An almost unforgivable clip episode.  It's the FIRST SEASON and there isn't a strong enough overall plot to require one.  There's an incremental but important 10 or so minutes of new plot inter-woven between all the clips, so it's hard to recommend skipping.  Especially as this is the introduction of the domestic political side of the Stargate universe and one of their biggest enemies on that front, Senator Kinsey.  But still, it's a CLIP EPISODE.

Episode 22:  Within the serpent's grasp
If there's one thing I hate more than season openers it's end-of-season cliffhangers.  The team accidentally gates onto Apophis' starship (which is admittedly cool) and are captured attempting to save Skaar.  It's the end of the team and of Earth.  Or is it?  If you only bought season 1, you don't get to know.  Bastards.

Time to buy season 2.

Nerd

God I'm missing the 80s tonight.  Not for big hair or or big-wheeled roller skates, but for the series of formative, goofy SF alien movies that I was exposed to.  Here's a few movie I haven't seen in far, far too long.

Cocoon(s).
Flight of the Navigator.
The Explorers.
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Invaders from Mars
Star Trek 2
The Black Hole
The Abyss
Batteries not Included
Alien(s)
Escape to Witch Mountain

Movies from later I am also suddenly jonesing for

Contact (although not technically 80s)
Mars Attacks
Stargate

Actually I would really love to see a less sanitized show similar to Stargate.  The sanitization was part of Stargate's charm, but I'd like to see an exploration of some of those ideas with substantially less fear of the weird.

Movies I haven't seen, but probably should, given my interests:

Communion
Fire in the Sky
Lifeforce

I would mentioned E.T., but if I'm being honest with myself, I never really liked E.T.

I'm sure I'm forgetting some important ones, but that list will do for starters.  I think it's time to stop wasting quite so much time on making digital dolls do repetitive tasks and get back into the weird a little bit.

Man, and hollywood went though quite a UFO phase, didn't it?

Nerves

So this week has been a pretty good reminder that I need to stay off of the caffeine.  I'm still reeling from the two cups of coffee that sent me into nervey panic attack mode at 6am mid-week.  It was a very strange sensation.  Mentally i was quite calm and ready to sleep, but my nervous system seemed primed and humming in an uncomfortable way.  Every time I was almost off to dreamland I would gasp awake with my heart racing.  I'm not sure how much of this was caffeine/sugar, how much is underlying work/life anxiety and how much is payback for relying on sleep aids for too long, but it wasn't/isn't pleasant.  Even during the day my nervous system feels raw, for a better way to describe it.

Regardless, it seems like a wake-up call of some sort.  I have been hiding away from my friends for too long.  I have been living in a broken pattern with work for too long, which is probably the prime driver of my sleep pattern abnormalities.  Most of these weird symptoms seem greatly reduced or evaporate upon some sort of human contact, especially physical, so I probably should make more of an effort to get that where I can.  I've been neglecting my social network for entirely too long  It is withering on the vine.  I think lack of direct human contact is one of the biggest parts of my work frustration right now.  I really crave working in a more structured environment with more direct and in-person contact with a working group.  I am still trying to figure out how to make that happen without leaving my current working group completely in the lurch.  It would also help if I could decide between 1 and 20 possible directions.

I definitely need to exercise, at the very least to work out the anxiety.  Maybe it would help the nerves.  I should probably keep trying to write. I have a lot of story ideas and topical posts I keep wanting to write but I still feel like i have trouble getting my thoughts together in coherent sentences. I want to keep learning piano and Japanese, but my neurotic reaction to work and sleep has been unhelpful in creating the time.  Or using time well at all.  I am very practiced in watching time slide by without doing anything useful for it.  I increasingly understand that time is really the only currency of value so I should try to at least spend some of it well without just letting it pour through my hands.

I think I'm in a weird spot, where I feel increasingly competent but I'm scared of it I guess?  It's weird to realize I have an impact on the world and it's unhelpful that I don't have a good middle ground in how I handle it right now.  I'm getting better at defending myself from outside pressure but unfortunately still feel like my two modes are "doormat" and "nuclear angel of vengeance and ruination."  There's probably more depth there to be explored.

The problem with human beings, as I experience it, is the normal ebb and flow of human give and take is a very sandpapery experience for me.   Human interaction contains far too much "I want something from you, give it to me," or "your worldview is dumb just use mine" or "please ignore your needs in favor of mine." which leaves me feeling raw and irritated very quickly.  It's the constant boundary violations that are the worst.  I feel like I am constantly setting boundaries that are immediately challenged for no apparent reason.  I am still figuring out how to enforce boundaries without going nuclear on the other party.  I simply want to stand up for myself without doing undue emotional damage on the other person.  Why this is so hard for me sometimes I don't know.  Boundary violations are kind of a button I guess.

Anyway, I think my body and other elements in the universe and hinting now would be a good time for a change.  Pause is a nice feature, but has no meaning if I never press the button again.

Agents of a higher power

How many stories use the agents of a higher power trope?

The Jedi are fighting for the light side of the force.

Aes Sedai fight for the creator versus the Dark One using the One Power.

Elric fights for the chaos lords versus the lords of law.

Buffy fights for the primordial forces of light against primordial darkness.

Eorzean heroes fight for the living crystal Hydaelyn against darker powers.

Superheroes are agents of justice.  Which is admittedly an idea, not an idea embodied by a force or a god, so powerful that one is compelled to wear tights and punch people in defense of it.

Not sure why I'm thinking about this.  Although it's interesting to think about the difference between universes populated by harsh, and unfathomable gods whose commands are seemingly random, to gods who embody ideas and therefore whose commands make slightly more sense, to discarnate forces embodying an idea that compel the mortal plane to ideas so powerful they compel mortals by simple exposure.  Are ideas the irreducible elements of a higher, compelling power or is there a next step somewhere down the line?

Which is a less disturbing concept:  agents with free will that the gods convince to act, vast nameless forces that compel behavior but leave the illusion of free will, or ideas so powerful the agent is left with no choice but to embody and defend them at every turn once they've been exposed to them?  Or all those all the same thing?

I am currently jonesing for more stories about people pulled into larger conflicts occurring beyond the scope of their own comprehension.  I can't really explain why, but their place in our collective psyche intrigues me.

Art Imitates Life

So, at a certain point, when you're bawling at 3am after watching the season finale to a cartoon, you have to ask yourself why.  The cartoon in question is the excellent Clone Wars series that was just released on Netflix.  At the end of the series (massive spoilers ahead, btw), Ahsoka Tano, who had quickly become my favorite character as the series progressed, is eventually framed for a terrorist attack.  In the process of the story, she is eventually captured, and barred from the Jedi order, after the council inexplicably ignores years and years of behavior and observation of Ahsoka's personality and motivations and uncritically accepts circumstantial evidence.  She is eventually cleared of all charges, and the Jedi Council tries to blow smoke by telling her that their complete and utter betrayal and abandonment of her was somehow just another character building test on her way to becoming a Jedi knight and offer her her job back.  Instead, smart kid that she is, she chooses to walk away from the religion she's built her own life around, because, when push came to shove, they didn't have her back at all, despite a lifetime of service.

As it turns out, I can strongly identify with leaving a religion, despite the friends and family that want me to remain, because they can't see me through the filter of systemic malfunction.  Even though you don't believe in something anymore, even though it's right to do it, even if you still honor the core tenets of that belief system, walking away is still hard.  Especially when it means walking away from friends and family to some degree as well.  Apparently I had not processed just how hard, because when I saw that scene I lost it.

I was initially bummed that the Clone Wars was ending, and that they were replacing it with a show set before episode IV. The boyfriend quite astutely pointed out it was probably for the better, since the clone wars represent an era of failing hope, and the original series is an era of rising hope.  A new hope.  Yes, I like that.

The other story that kind of saved my life this week was Grant Morrison's Animal Man of all things.  There's a bit towards the end where Grant makes an appearance in his own comic, and talks about how hard it is to understand the massive systemic injustice that goes on in the world, in this case towards animals, and somehow find away to operate normally without being constantly angry at the injustice at all hours of the day.  To understand the systematic oppression and torture of animals (human or otherwise) our society still relies on to some degree to provide the comforts citizens demand, while still functioning normally somehow.  What I love about Animal Man is how he points out that this constant outrage can lead to loss of perspective and immoral decisions from the activist side as well.  In the end he seems to council holding on to hope, even when everything seems bleak.  Which is a very christian idea.  Which is a very humanist idea.  It was exactly what I needed to hear at the time.  Thank you Grant Morrison.

This week, in an era of increasingly cynical and hopeless stories* (because God is dead and it's all bullshit don't you know), I am grateful for stories that exist to increase hope.  I am grateful for artists who inspire hope, as tacky as that may seem to the modern world.


*For instance, Man of Steel, which delivered a completely hopeless, morally rudderless and bleak story, even though it explicitly stated that hope was central to the main character.  Here' a hint:  massive bombs detonating over a city aren't hopeful, no matter what inspiring messages you paint on the shell casing.

Righteous Hatred

Having a hard time getting my hate on today.  Here are some reasons why.

The problem with the righteous hatred of the hateful dead is:

A)  They can't hear me.  The only one affected in this exchange is me.  Hate generally does not have a positive effect on me.
B)  Hatred becomes steadily less righteous the longer one indulges in it.
C)  They're still inside my head, forcing me to play by their rules.  I'm still standing on the other side of the line they drew, spitting hate at someone who has long ago walked off the field.  That's a pretty successful and long-lasting deployment of a hate bomb, no?

This is not to say I mourn the hateful, honor the hateful or love the hateful.  Although some who pursue peace would say yes, do that too.  This does not mean I forgive the hateful.  Although some would say yes, do that too.  This is not to say the actions of the hateful to deprive others of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness shouldn't be defended against.  It is to say that in living a life in pursuit of righteous hatred, the justified hatred, the self-evidently acceptable hatred, I run the serious risk of not being mourned, or loved or honored when is my time to go.

Hate has a primary goal and a secondary goal.  The primary goal is to destroy or failing that restrain or failing that imprison the people to hate.  The second, failing all that, is to scorch the earth, and bring you down to their level so that if you "win," hate still gets fed.  Even if the goal is not accomplished, the hate virus will still try to reproduce.  So the hateful can turn around and say, "Enjoy your victory.  But you are just like me now and you would have done the same." 

The problem with righteous hatred is the hateful always believe their hate to be righteous.  The problem with the hateful and that worldview is the idea that hate is always justified, all that remains to find the best reason to hate.

Hate is a beast I cage within me.  I do not hate the beast, because the beast is part of me.  I simply try to remember the beast is not all of me, and in general is best left recognized and accepted when awakened, but caged.  I am not always successful in keeping him in his place.

The best thing about the hateful worldview is it is NOT the best frame for viewing the world, and I can choose to reject it in favor of larger ideas that lead somewhere better.  The best thing about hate is it is not necessary for achieving my goals.  The best thing about hate is I can leave it aside.  The best thing about hate is I can let it rest with dead men.  So that is what I'm trying to do.

Review Review

This is my my favorite quote from Slant's review of 300:  Rise of an Empire

Murro gives the film nothing so much as a hit-refresh on the same glistening, impossibly golden and gray flecks of pixel-barf that have invaded the frames of every tent-pole studio release since the Bush administration. 

YES.  Pixel-barf will be my new go-to phrase to describe the modern practice of filling every action scene with CGI debris.

Subtle Winks from the Eye of the World

I did not expect to enjoy my third or fourth re-read of Robert Jordan's Eye of the World recently, but I did.  Now that the series is officially finished, I think I'm going to plow though the entire series again, that is, if I can clear my to-read shelf first, a project I've been stalled on for 2 years now.  My enjoyment of the series dwindled the more the plot started dawdling in in a transparent attempt to stretch out the story for as many books as possible.  But it was nice to be reminded in Eye of the World how tight the story used to be.

There were a few things that jumped out at me on this last read-through though.  The first is how simple the plot of the first book is.  A bunch of farm boys meet a wizard and run from the farm to the city in a mostly straight line with the devil hot on their heels.  With a teleport to the final boss fight at the end.  It's a pretty solid chase story, all things considered.  Yes, "the bloat" can be seen in its nascent stages even in the first book, when the author takes 200 pages to describe two farm boys riding on wagons, being chased out of towns, and meeting unsavory people over and over again before finally reaching the big city.  It's so repetitive, that in the paperback edition I have there is an editing error where the author accidentally describes meeting the same damn farmer twice, and describes the encounters identically almost verbatim.  There's little growth or purpose to that part of the narrative and could probably have been covered in a few pages without the story losing anything.  But hey, it turned a 500 page novel into a 700 page novel.  Still, it grabbed me in the beginning and kept me turning pages until the climactic encounter at the Eye of the World, just like it did the first time.

Of course, some of the original head scratchers remain.  While I find his depiction of the gender war in small town villages interesting and amusing, then women all seem to be the same cardboard cut-out characters.  All arms akimbo, or folded beneath their breasts, or tugging on their braids and lecturing the men for being so dumb.  In the Wheel of Time, men and women are forever impenetrable mysteries to the other, locked in a never-ending cold war of parallel societies.  I'm not saying this is problematic necessarily, just that it always strikes me as odd, this depiction of women and their interactions with men.  It's as if the male-female split between Aes Sedai has fractured the gender relations in every other part of civilization as well.

Which brings me to the biggest idea that jumped out at me this read, which is how good a metaphor becoming an aes sedai is for a homosexual coming of age story.  In this universe, being a man who can channel fabulous power is not a choice, it is how one is born.  It is also terrifying and confusing to anyone who finds out, so men who realize this about themselves keep it secret for fear of being ostracized or killed.  Every man who can channel is assumed to be mentally ill.  Rand's in love with a woman, but he doesn't seem to feel much passion for her, and it's made clear pretty quickly that he and she are destined to be good friends at most.  He meets other male channelers who, while publicly reviled, disturb and excite him.   He spends most of the book in denial, plagued by frumpy matrons trying to smother him in one way or another before finding freedom in channeling pure(-ish) energy with other men.  He discovers he's not the same as other boys and is probably not going to be able to live the life his family and friends want for him, and eventually comes out in a public and dramatic way when he can't contain it any longer.  Okay, it's a little bit of a stretch, I'll grant.  Still, I think the case could be made.  And honestly, I like the story 100% better when I read it that way.  Read the quotes from the post below though, and tell me there's not at least a LITTLE homo-erotic subtext in a lot of those lines.

Or maybe it's just me.  Just me?  Okay.

Religious Liberty

Andrew Sullivan touches on a couple of things that I've been thinking about this week.  But I don't think he's quite definitive enough in his discussion so I'd like to reframe it a bit.  First, is this from Ross Douthat:

We are not really having an argument about same-sex marriage anymore, and on the evidence of Arizona, we’re not having a negotiation. Instead, all that’s left is the timing of the final victory — and for the defeated to find out what settlement the victors will impose.

I don't think Andrew pushes back hard enough here.  These kind of overwrought, garment-rending love songs to the victimization of christians have no reasonable basis in reality.  No one is telling churches what to believe or that they have to love gay people or the idea of gay marriage.  No one is pushing for punitive measures against churches for not loving gay people and they'd be wrong to do so.  Churches are still in complete control of what churches get to believe.  All that's happening is churches are losing the "right" to impose legislation on non-churchians regarding what marriage can legally be.  This is happening largely because they have, to date, failed to produce a single, valid argument about why two consenting adults who love each other should be unable to marry, or how those marriages will impact society in a negative way.  Not a single, compelling argument yet from them, other than, "but my limited and myopic interpretation of the bible in a way that conveniently reinforces my biases instead of challenging them suggests that ...".  Which is to say, not only do they not have a single, compelling civic argument against gay marriage*, there are compelling religious arguments against gay discrimination that most churches seem to be pointedly ignoring.  So no, I'm not going to feel sorry for churches on the basis of losing the battle on the civic right for gays to marry.  They are not going to be "forced" to do anything other than live in a world where gay people get to be married and affectionate with each other, sometimes in public, and where they and their children will have to see it.  And arguing that Christians have some kind of monopoly on the world marriage and the institution itself doesn't pass the laugh test.  Ask the kings of Israel what they think of "traditional" marriage.  When they can tear themselves away from their concubines and wives #2-100 I mean.  Ask the unmarried disciples how much traditional marriage allowed them to spread the word of god more effectively.  The modern religious case for "traditional marriage" as something the bible endorses is incoherent, and only emerges if you're good at picking metaphorical cherries.

And really, there are two arguments going on here aren't there?  The first is that "We are a christian nation and therefore the laws should be based, at least in part, on biblical values as perceived by citizens of this country in this century, especially James Dobson."  Since there are many good and strong arguments against this idea, they are failing that.  The second then, is, "Well, we at least deserve to create lives for ourselves where we don't have to interact with non-christians and open sinners like gay people," which, sadly, also has many strong, and obvious, arguments against it, from both a civic and religious point of view.  I don't know, honestly, why people who have lived in a pluralistic all of their lives don't understand that they have not ever had, do not have now, and will not in the future (hopefully!) the expectation to live in a society where they do not have to interact with people who do not believe in Jesus and do not share their sexual orientation.

The expectation that one can and even SHOULD expect or try to arrange this kind of life is flat out ridiculous.  Even from a churchian point of view, Jesus never promised a life of sameness, a life of comfort, and life where your beliefs and lifestyle can never be challenged.  In fact, if I'm remembering my churchian holy book correctly, he, in fact, exhorted his followers to get out in the world and rub shoulders with the unclean!  And, if in rubbing shoulders with the unclean fails to convert the unclean to your churchian point of view, he DID NOT recommend taking over the government and forcing them to live your way anyway.  And of course, this cuts both ways.  Gays like myself can't reasonably expect that we get to live in a world where everyone loves gay people and gay stuff in general!  The best deal for both sides then, given that neither can have a world where their worldviews and lifestyles will never be challenged or praised by all people, is to agree to, you know, courteously agree to disagree on these particular matters, because simply believing in a higher power doesn't hurt anybody else, and marrying someone of the same sex has so far been shown, scientifically no less, not to hurt people.

So no, I don't feel sorry for churchians on this particular matter.  We have, in fact, been having this discussion for a few short decades now, and the anti-gay marriage types have had ample time to make a compelling argument and have repeatedly failed to do so.  So no, this is absolutely NOT an imposition of liberal values on principled conservatives.  This is a relatively mild repudiation of the attempted imposition of christian principles on civic law because the religious argument against gay marriage is uncompelling*.  Liberals and the state do not care what churches choose to believe about gay marriage, so long as they aren't insisting the rest of us agree to their tortuous and tenuous arguments against it based on a biblical authority that non-churchians do not recognize or agree with.  And how many times do people have to suggest that churchians have lost the plot, before they'll consider the possibility that the reasons their beliefs are not compelling guidelines for behavior sans sympathetic legislation have more to do with flaws inherent in their own interpretation and adaptation of churchitarianism, rather than pernicious and stubborn choice to do evil by not listening to them and their questionable religious authority.  I would like to gently suggest that non-churchians are, by and large, reasonable people and the issue is they don't find your arguments against and decision to be hateful towards gay people reasonable or well-founded.  Even if we were to accept the possibility that the Bible contains some moral authority, that's still a long way from being convinced that churchians do not frequently, gratuitously, and seamlessly incorporate their personal and cultural biases into their sincerely held religious beliefs.

Beyond that, the whining about how people at large don't like them much for holding principled beliefs about the inherent ickiness of gay people is hard to sympathize with either.  People don't like you because you choose being an asshole to people who are different than you and not hurting anyone, because even they can see you have a choice in the matter, and that continuing to choose intolerance and venom towards people who AREN'T HURTING YOU BY LIVING THEIR LIVES WITHOUT SHAME says a lot about what kind of person you choose to be and how just and noble and worthwhile your beliefs are, regardless of the stories you tell yourselves about yourselves.  Even from out here, especially from people who used to be churchians like yourselves, we can see that unless you have love, all your culture war bluster might as well be a resounding gong or a clanging symbol.

Are beliefs that can not stand exposure to contradictory beliefs really that powerful or worth having?  Isn't it possible that anti-gay doctrine undermines and is incompatible with the broader doctrines of love, humility and grace?  Or would you rather just keep clanging that gong?

*  Gay people aren't harmed by loving each other and being physically affectionate.  Marriages between straight adults are not affected by the marriages of other people, gay or straight.  Children aren't harmed by knowing gay people exist.  Straight children aren't more likely to "grow up gay" because they've seen or met a gay person any more than gay children are likely to be "grow up straight" despite a lifetime of living and interacting with straight people.  Gay is an orientation, not a "gateway drug" to behaviors like pedophilia or bestiality.  In fact, the rates of pedophilia among the gay population is roughly the same as the rates in the straight population.  The state is not in the business of protecting people's immortal souls, so it doesn't matter if gay sex is, highly arguably from all angles, technically a religious sin from a civic point of view.  Conservatives are losing because they have yet to challenge any of the above statements with compelling logic or evidence.

Hindsight

When I read through old posts I feel like I have a multiple personality disorder.  Trying to express myself in fits and starts, a new way every time.  The ones that seem overly fanboy-ish and consumerist are the most embarrassing so far.  I want to slap myself and tell me to have some pride.

Unrelated, "Hindsight is 20/20" seems like an odd way to claim one's ass has perfect vision.  Be careful in gazing at the ass for the ass gazes also back.  I guess?  Maybe I'm missing something.

We Killed the Stars Long Ago

We killed the stars long ago
but left their corpses burning brightly.
We thought you'd like to see them so
we display them for you nightly.

We embalmed them all in gravity wells
put on some planets in adorning.
If you'd like to thank us, swell,
you may do so in the mourning.




cross-posted here.