Nerves

So this week has been a pretty good reminder that I need to stay off of the caffeine.  I'm still reeling from the two cups of coffee that sent me into nervey panic attack mode at 6am mid-week.  It was a very strange sensation.  Mentally i was quite calm and ready to sleep, but my nervous system seemed primed and humming in an uncomfortable way.  Every time I was almost off to dreamland I would gasp awake with my heart racing.  I'm not sure how much of this was caffeine/sugar, how much is underlying work/life anxiety and how much is payback for relying on sleep aids for too long, but it wasn't/isn't pleasant.  Even during the day my nervous system feels raw, for a better way to describe it.

Regardless, it seems like a wake-up call of some sort.  I have been hiding away from my friends for too long.  I have been living in a broken pattern with work for too long, which is probably the prime driver of my sleep pattern abnormalities.  Most of these weird symptoms seem greatly reduced or evaporate upon some sort of human contact, especially physical, so I probably should make more of an effort to get that where I can.  I've been neglecting my social network for entirely too long  It is withering on the vine.  I think lack of direct human contact is one of the biggest parts of my work frustration right now.  I really crave working in a more structured environment with more direct and in-person contact with a working group.  I am still trying to figure out how to make that happen without leaving my current working group completely in the lurch.  It would also help if I could decide between 1 and 20 possible directions.

I definitely need to exercise, at the very least to work out the anxiety.  Maybe it would help the nerves.  I should probably keep trying to write. I have a lot of story ideas and topical posts I keep wanting to write but I still feel like i have trouble getting my thoughts together in coherent sentences. I want to keep learning piano and Japanese, but my neurotic reaction to work and sleep has been unhelpful in creating the time.  Or using time well at all.  I am very practiced in watching time slide by without doing anything useful for it.  I increasingly understand that time is really the only currency of value so I should try to at least spend some of it well without just letting it pour through my hands.

I think I'm in a weird spot, where I feel increasingly competent but I'm scared of it I guess?  It's weird to realize I have an impact on the world and it's unhelpful that I don't have a good middle ground in how I handle it right now.  I'm getting better at defending myself from outside pressure but unfortunately still feel like my two modes are "doormat" and "nuclear angel of vengeance and ruination."  There's probably more depth there to be explored.

The problem with human beings, as I experience it, is the normal ebb and flow of human give and take is a very sandpapery experience for me.   Human interaction contains far too much "I want something from you, give it to me," or "your worldview is dumb just use mine" or "please ignore your needs in favor of mine." which leaves me feeling raw and irritated very quickly.  It's the constant boundary violations that are the worst.  I feel like I am constantly setting boundaries that are immediately challenged for no apparent reason.  I am still figuring out how to enforce boundaries without going nuclear on the other party.  I simply want to stand up for myself without doing undue emotional damage on the other person.  Why this is so hard for me sometimes I don't know.  Boundary violations are kind of a button I guess.

Anyway, I think my body and other elements in the universe and hinting now would be a good time for a change.  Pause is a nice feature, but has no meaning if I never press the button again.