State of the H

It is a remarkably confusing time for your hero. Most of this is probably better left for my therapy sessions, but here are a few things I don't quite get right now:

I don't think I really understand what I want or even need from my relationships with people. From friendships to romantic relationships to sex. Like on a fundamental level I don't understand why I want/need them. Even though I'm totally craving contact with people right now. I'm more or less okay with all of my long-time friends. I still feel pretty comfortable around most of you. What I don't get is why it's so hard to set up a local social circle, with the same kinds of people I've been friends with for ages. And part of that is a complete lack of understanding about what I want from my relationships with people. I am simultaneously desperately craving a social circle in Portland and completely uninterested in forming one and tend to isolate myself from the couple friends I have left without knowing why. And even if I were interested in forming a social circle I don't know where to start. Do you have to do it organically just from being out and about and meeting people or is it something you can actually pursue consciously? The only life instinct I feel and understand right now is that I want to be a dad. But I'd like to be a father in the context of not being a train wreck and a having a stable relationship and/or social circle. I have a couple remaining (literally two) close friends left in portland, and they both put up with a lot of drama from me (and are otherwise occupied with their own goals right now which I support them in pursuing). So I kind of putter around from day to day not understanding what my goals are, why I'm unhappy, what I want to change and how I'm going to go about doing it. it's a very strange state to be in at my age. Getting used to solitude and hiding from the world for 10 years may not have been my best choice.

Another way of looking at it is I constantly feel like I'm being pulled in two directions. Like I oscillate dramatically from total left-brain "why are emotions and friendships important again?" survival mode to total right-brain out of control drama. It's very odd. I keep hoping it's a chemical imbalance or a tumor or something, and then have a panic attack because what if I have a tumor or a chemical imbalance?

Strange days, dear reader. Strange days.