Rollercoaster

Back when I was young and foolish, the red hot chili peppers song by that name was my favorite thing. So young, so sheltered.

Wait, I had a thought. It is always surprising to me how much mood fluctuates over the course of a week. I mean, yes I operate in a general state of eeyore-like despondency and cynicism, but even so there's quite a bit of change from one end of the week to the next. Last week, after two days on oxycodone and not having to think about work I was quite light-hearted. And then fell off a cliff and spent two days being weepy. Which was in turn followed by two more optimistic days, followed by a day or two of weeping at the happy endings of stargate sg-1 episodes, followed by a renewed sense of optimism. Just interesting I guess.

I still have few ideas about what I want out of local friends and what I want to pursue (at all). But I at least understand that my bad days are transitory.

#surgerydosuck

I've been kinda quiet this week because I've been recovering from surgery and throwing myself a pity party. I love neither post-op pain nor oxycodone, and did not have a fabulous party. I DID watch about 60 episodes of stargate sg-1 which basically got me through the last part of the week. I had forgotten how much that show hits my happy spot.

#awfulnogoodweek

So, forest park hiking is on hold while I recover from surgery. Saw bone doc last Thursday, and he recommended immediate surgery to correct persistent bone clicking in right elbow joint. Had surgery Friday because I thought it least bad choice out of several bad possibilities. Been recovering since then. Post-surgery pain super awful Saturday and Sunday. Threw up Friday night due to general anesthetic. Been grumpy and whiny since then. I may have more to say on this later, or maybe on my super secret alternate blog that no one knows about. On top of that had super horrifying dream about my horrible ex from reno tracking me down and worming her way back into my life and attempting to kill me that lasted seemingly forever.

On the bright side, the stargate SG-1 and stargate Universe marathons have been fun. SGU is fun, but so clearly a rip-off of BSG, attempting to ride the coattails of that show's success. Which doesn't bother me really because I like the end result in some ways a lot. And the SF element is much more to my liking, really fun, old-fashioned classic SF ideas. Any show that uses gravity wells a lot to speed up and slow down ships is A-OK in my book. I can't say my two favorite things out of respect for spoilers. Besides the BSG rip-off (DR. Rush is a really obvious rip-off of Gaius Baltar), my biggest nitpick is that very few of the characters are genuinely likeable. They're all very human, but in ways that make it hard to like them. Eli is the obvious everyman, but I have mixed feelings. He's your stereotypical gaming nerd, who dropped out of MIT, and joined the mission by beating a math puzzle in an MMO. I have MUCH more to say about this when my arm comes back, but I am only able to enjoy the character because he is clearly regarded as the least capable character on the show.

Anyway, I am now more tired and dizzy than when I started, so I'm going to go lie down. I shouldn't be, but I'm kinda surprised skateboarding led to this much drama.

Forest parking

On the assumption that my emotional life is more or less . . . contained, I have started tackling the thing that seems best right now, my sleep schedule. In the past, my spoiled prince sleep schedule has been the subject of much self loathing, and recrimination, which while satisfying to the conservative voice of judgement in my brain, isn't of much practical value. This time it proceeds more from a system of wants. I want to get up early enough to exercise or hike. When I get up late I feel the day is wasted and lost all drive to do anything. I want to get off of work to socialize when non-vampires want to (if they can overlook my thirst for human blood, I can overlook the tendency to go to bed at night).

Also, it has helped to kind of name why I don't like to go to bed. It's a greater symptom of my other mental problems, an inability to deal with the present moment, or to let go of moments that are past. I don't go to bed because I'm not ready to face tomorrow, or I'm not ready to let go of the fact that I've wasted another day. So I do nothing in a mental haze basically as a form of putting off uncomfortable situations that tomorrow will bring.

Anyway, between figuring out the cause, and wanting to get up badly enough, I've managed to keep a reasonable sleep schedule for the last 3 days. Not quite a personal best, but close enough (if you consider the last ten years or so). I've done this before, but haven't usually managed to keep it up for more than 2 weeks or so. We'll see how it goes. But for now, feeling good about getting up early. Actually made it out for a 3-mile, one hour hike/jog today too. Although I'd like to roll back the sleep schedule a little earlier so I can take longer hikes. I think ideally I'd like a 11pm bed time and a 7am wake-up, out the door by 8 to hike. Which seems ridiculous to the vampire in me, but eh, he's kind of a putz. All fake blood and counting.

#quirk

There's a certain level of closeness I can't handle right now. I can't manage really liking someone. End up being a prick to them. Kind of unfortunate.

State of the H

1). Fell offa my skateboard last Thursday. Find out Monday morning there are small compression fractures in the right elbow. Only today can I bend it far enough to feed myself. Hurts like hell. Pain management has been the prom them this week. Mostly irritated that the pain gets in the way of working and exercising. Still: FRAK.

2). Sleep schedule is completely out of control. Tangentially related to item 3. Bedtime last two mornings has been 6am+. It's like the better one part of my life gets, the more another has to deteriorate to maintain trainwreck status.

3). Playing WoW again. Mixed feelings. For the moment, it helps me forget about my confused head, and forget my arm hurts like hell. But it also delays dealing with the head stuff. Long term, it makes me feel like abandoning all my games, or 90% of them. Which is good, but dramatic. I'm sure it will surprise many of you that I can be dramatic.

4). Been socializing a bit more. That's good I guess. Still kind of unsure what I want out of a social life though. Like I'm completely indecisive about what "my crowd" is. Not so much because I want to fit in with them, more I just don't really understand what kind of person fits in with me.

5). The depression is moderately better. Still by no means resolved though. Still fuzzy about some crucial life issues I would dearly love to resolve. I don't know. Shrinking my world a bit until I can figure it out.