Arise Chicken, Chicken Arise!

I fell into a tumblr
and kept on tumblring down
I stumbled and I tumbled
until I came back around.

So. Tumblr. True story, funny story: I left this blog for a boy.

 I just checked back through the archives of this blog and remembered two things. 1) I was very angry for quite a long time and 2) it was because I was gay, in the closet and hated myself for it. As it turns out, outward and inward harmony is not achieved by living lies contrary to my values. So, shortly after I had my afore-mentioned elbow surgery, I met a boy (well, 37) who had a tumblr, and so I tumblred with him, so to speak. At the time, I just thought dating men was something I needed to experiment with, and get out of my system, so I could end my internal speculation once and for all and then get back to a life of, hopefully, enthusiastic heterosexuality (contrary to all past experience). Believe it or not, it was kind of a surprise to realize I had had it backwards for my entire adult life. So I dated a boy. And soon enough, after the angel choir had faded, and the light from heaven blessing my sinful union was gone, I lay on my bed thinking: "Well shit. That clears a few things up."

 Of course, the stunning realization that the reason I had never felt comfortable with women in my bed was the "wo" at the beginning was life-alteringly amazing. I realized I could finally have a relationship that I found satisfying on a level I didn't know I had. Everything clicked and everything suddenly made sense, in ways it should have made sense long before. This was followed by the immediate knowledge that I was not going to be in the closet for one second longer than I possibly had to . . . which meant I was going to have to tell everyone I knew. So out I came. First on Tumblr, then to close friends, then to my parents, then to a select group on Facebook, representing the last group I really felt i needed to tell. I just didn't want people to wonder. I wanted them to know, and I didn't want to feel like I was hiding.

 Which isn't to say the transition was smooth. I went a wee bit crazy for a few months, while I tried to come to terms with who I now knew I was, and who I'd always thought I'd been, or at the very least thought I had tried to be for everyone else. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist background did not make it any easier. Of course, this is not the most amazing mindset to maintain a relationship with (I was not a great boyfriend at this time), and my boyfriend left me after four months, somewhere in the middle of my coming out process. That wasn't fun either. I had chemically bonded to him in a way I had never experience before, and it took me quite a while to pull myself back together again. But, of course, I did, if not gracefully. But I regret nothing. I learned an amazing amount from that relationship.

Where were we? Ah yes, Tumblr. Why Tumblr? For one thing, I wanted to "practice" coming out of the closet before I did it to everyone, and Tumblr seemed gay friendly. For the record: Tumblr? Gay ENTHUSIASTIC. And I liked making new gay friends, and gif culture, and whining about every damn thing and having it just float away in a sea of cat gifs. But after the relationship fragmented, and I had finished coming out of the closet, I started to need it less. I still enjoy tumblr (and in fact will be linking posts like this straight through to the tumblr blog indefinitely), but the coming out process has morphed nicely into an ongoing mid-life crisis, and I find tumblr is not really the place I want to explore that. So I return, at the turn of the tide, to my old Blogger home.

 Also, holy shit! Blogger is so much better than it used to be.

 Not that you really needed to know any of this, or didn't already know it, but here I am: Super gay and ready to blog. I have a new boyfriend, heights I aspire to, and a pathological fear of falling. Should be a good time.

 Soylent H (still people), Age 36

#a tumblring down

I have started up a new tumblr blog. I am not sure what I am going to do with it just yet. I'm mostly just going to try it out, see if I like it. I have the RSS feed from this blog feeding into it though, so if you start reading the tumblr blog you shouldn't miss much if you're reading the tumblr blog. I have a suspicion I'll reserve large posts for here, and then mostly silliness on the tumblr blog but we'll see. I have yet to see anyone using tumblr for anything other than meme pictures, so we'll see how it goes. Anyway, check it out here.

Also, I have a proto-story blog here. The initial intent is to put very tiny stories there. We'll see how often I manage to add to it.

#existentialdrift

Is a line I just read in an OK cupid profile (sent to my mailbox, I am not, for the time being, looking per se, as I am seeing someone). Anyway, it explains where I'm at remarkably concisely. I kind of love it. It's like tokyo drift except there's not vin diesel, fast cars or women with self-esteem problems. So, I guess nothing like tokyo drift except that they share the word "drift". My bad.

I'm thinking of starting up my own short story blog (I am aware that there are many of these already in existence, I am not claiming to have invented the form). What I'm wondering is if I should do it under my real name or my blog avatar (which is totally throwaway obviously. I just don't want my parents to google me and find my half-baked rants on creationism floating around.

Anyway, drifting along, existentially speaking. Wondering where I'll wash ashore. And how many clothes I'll have on when I get there.

#famouspeople!

I had no idea who Esperanza Spalding was until she upset Justin Bieber at the grammies (I was entertained and hearted to find actual talent winning out over over-produced hype . . . not to mention a certain amount of schadenfreude over the ensuing pre-teen angst . . . young people :) ). So it's completely strange and weird to me that the soft spoken, shortish woman who walked into my favorite coffee shop yesterday actually WAS Esperanza Spalding, who apparently used to live in Portland and was back in town visiting. This is a shop close to my house, off the beaten path, in the middle of a very quiet portland neighborhood, 6 blocks from my apartment building. And the barista who was working that day was in a recent episode of Portlandia! Of course, in the grand scheme of things, none of this relates to me in any way, other than that I shared their air. Still, random and odd. I find my natural human urge to kiss the ass of famous people is currently at war with my long-time position of not worshipping famous people as gods.

#almostgettingit

What's really funny about today's PA comic is that the conversation between Wolverine and Magneto is essentially the only thing critics wanted on the dick wolves thing. It shows they understand the power of apology in repairing old wounds! I don't think an apology is necessarily owed for the original comic, but I think a genuine apology (not the adolescent, "I'm sorry you're so feminine that you're easily offended and too stupid to get my joke" kind of apology that they've been giving) for their response to rape victims would have pretty much smoothed the whole thing over (no they didn't suck precious metals out of anyone's skeletal structure, but making fun of rape victims for being too sensitive is pretty shitty, especially coming from a gender that doesn't have to worry about sexual harassment or rape AND continually insists that women can't possibly experience such things with any frequency). You're so close to getting it guys. Keep trying! Remember, just because you don't experience fears of rape and sexual harassment yourself, doesn't mean it doesn't happen to women! Maybe you could try listening to women rather than explaining to them condescendingly how their life experience couldn't possibly be different from yours! It's fun and easy!

Also, free advice, try and let go of this "I am technically correct so you have no right to be upset" mentality. "My motives were pure so I don't have to apologize" is something most people grow out of. Learning to apologize when you've unintentionally hurt someone, especially someone you're trying to have any sort of meaningful relationship with!, is a valuable life skill and will make you popular and less awkward at parties. It means you understand part of being in a community is learning to not put yourself and your feelings first in every situation. It also means you're confident enough in your own character that you know one mistake doesn't define you. Restraint! Consideration! Confidence! It's how civilized apes do it. It helps everyone get along better, and it doesn't really cost you anything other than your immaturity. If you MUST be 12-years-old at least part of the time to feel like a whole person, try and keep it to "guys night" okay? And if you need PA comics to be "guys only" why not just come out with that so women gamers can find other, more welcoming gaming communities?

Okay, really ignoring PA (and sadly, by extension PVP) and removing from RSS feeds this time. For reals. Starting . . . NOW.

#forthatmatter

Why does the deficit suddenly become a matter of extreme importance under a democratic president? I see no compelling reason why the deficit is a clear and present danger now, compared to, oh, any time in the Bush presidency. For that matter, I don't see why anyone let's the Republicans forget that most of the current deficit would have been corrected by letting the Bush tax cuts expire when they were supposed to. This happened 2 months ago, it's not ancient history.

I just don't understand the odd deference to Republicans on matters of war and economics. They've been profoundly wrong and hypocritical on both matters (see Iraq and "Curveball" as well as exploding deficits under Reagan and both Bush's) and no one seems to notice. I'm all for an antagonistic press, I'd just rather they not lose their nerve entirely when a republican strides into a room and announces himself as a big daddy who must not be questioned. There are other responses to that other than meek obedience people. Outright laughter for instance.

#letmegetthisstraight

Wasn't the Tea Party supposedly a grass roots movement concerning government spending/deficit, etc? Why the hell has the first priority of the new Republican congress been restricting abortion? Did they run on that platform at all? Who got played here, the Tea Partiers or the rest of the country?

#Takingtheshame

I have re-subscribed to twitter after my epic rage quit. Taking the shame. This time I will try and use it for my little "witticisms" that I've been torturing my Facebook friends with since I quit twitter. Longer stuff I'll try and contain here with a tweet link if I must reference a long thought in the twitter verse. For the record, I'm still irritated at the 140char limit, it seems hostile to anything remotely approaching a complicated thought. And the arguments for seem to be: gimmicks are cool! Anyway, that is all. You may continue ignoring or reading my crankiness at your leisure.

#dickwolveswasastupidhilltodieon

I wrote a huge post on the penny-arcade dickwolves controversy, but have since decided I don't want to get into it. I'm just done with those guys. They had an opportunity to discuss the real issues women face regarding rape and the misogyny issues in modern gamer culture and chose instead to mock and dismiss those concerns. I've been on the fence for a while and after this I'm just done. What type of entitled assholes make a "team raping dickwolves" shirt as a way to stick it rape victims for being too sensitive? The Penny Arcade guys of course! Who doesn't understand that ostensibly "pro-rape" shirts that are really ironic in a hard to explain way aren't a good idea?

Not that it matters because I think I'm done following them, but for the love of god keep Gabe away from the front page on PR issues. Of all the people there he is by far the worst person to address controversy of any sort.

Anyway, I'm moving on with my life. They won't miss me. I don't care.

#twitterupdate

I almost, but not quite, miss posting to twitter. I'm still spying on most of you though. I may yet take the shame and resubscribe, but so far, meh. Twitter is not fascinating anymore. I'm all about Burp. Send your thoughts in 4 characters or less.

Editing to add: Have I mentioned I'm going on no sleep today? It's true. And no one has shown up at the office yet so I have to keep myself entertained. I would feel bad, but I'm not chaining any of you to my blog, eyelids clipped up so you have to read it. Well, except you Ed. You'll be released when you pass the test. It's no use complaining, no one can hear you.

#IlovePaulSimon

Every now and then I accidentally hit the Paul Simon section of my itunes collection and wonder how I forget how much I love "Diamonds on the soles of her shoes" and "You can call me Al". Perfect. So many of his songs are just perfect.

#thepromisedrant

The rant I was referring to earlier is this:

In general, the most common response to my complaints of "it's monumentally stupid that our society does X thing" is something along the lines of "oh, you worry too much. It's the human condition, it will work itself out." Which I understand the point of, who can say what our society will eventually end up like? And it is a very complicated question, and establishing metrics for "smart and constructive" society versus "shallow and self-destructive" society would be very hard to construct, in that society is a fancy word for a bunch of really different people all mushed together.

But is it impossible to establish ANY metrics, or to comment on broader trends? If our society were dumbing itself down into full-blown idiocracy, would there be any way to call it out without being shouted down as a worry wart? There are many days I feel it would be a vicious circle of people getting dumber, with all the idiots shouting down people who "think too much". The problem, of course, with calling out other people (be it individuals or as a whole) on their shit is that we all have our own shit, and run the risk of being ah hypocrite, which seems to translate for most people as "calling people out on anything is hypocritical" which is not really true. I think there is still room to call people out on stupid, dangerous or self-destructive activities, without being too much of a hypocrite. At least, as long as you're willing to take what you dish out.

And that's my story. This was a better rant a few days ago when it was fresh in my mind. Ah well.

#IguessI'mcrazy

News that the gun-toting psycho from this weekend is probably mentally ill was not surprising. If you read what he wrote, he'd lost connection with reality. As I said on my Facebook feed, it's kind of surreal to read someone bragging about his command of grammar in garbled, almost gibberish, sentences.

But it's made me a little bit self reflective. His kind of craziness resonates a tiny amount with me (really just a tiny amount, this isn't my usual understatement). I CERTAINLY don't feel violent, but I do frequently feel frustrated by the grand absurdities of our society. And fixate on them to a degree that other people seem to find unhealthy. It probably is. I kind of resent attitudes that I just don't have enough to do though. Is the only way to get through life happily thinking as little as possible? If you don't find your life filled with mind-numbing tedium that keeps you from thinking you aren't doing it right? I find that train of thought disturbing. But again, am I fixating too much?

In the spirit of experimentation I am going to try and focus on other things for a few weeks. Well, aside from one more blog post on our stupid society that I've been wanting to write for the last week or so. But after that one I swear. Or may be the next. No, no the next one for sure. ;).

Also, related to the shooting I read some anti-pot propaganda about how "the pot" must have set him off. I think it's rubbish, largely because he'd apparently been clean for a few years. But apparently research exists to show schizophrenia can be exacerbated with pot use (but also sometimes helped with the right kind of pot!). The main point being the new strains of pot with high THC (schizo enhancing) are a little more destabilizing since they have less CBD (anti-schizo) in them. Regardless, I think I'm going to start smoking less as well. I think it probably hasn't helped that my means of ingestion give me a huge dose every time. But this news times nicely with my internal feeling of "I'd like to be sober for a while." Although that includes alcohol as well. I'm more or less done getting drunk too I think.

Anyway, that's the news from crazy-town. I think my overall feeling is, if I want to obsess about all the wrong-headed ways our society operates, then I need to become a politician or somehow focus my career on advocacy of some sort. Maybe the crazy thing is obsessing about broken things that you have no intention or inclination to fix. "People should listen to my words," is not really enough reason to bloviate endlessly about the state of the world.

Although having said that, isn't the whole reason blogs exist so you can scream endlessly into the ether about things you can't change? Wait, or is that just me? Just me? Okay.

#ragequit

I rage quit twitter because someone hit a little too close to home about my bloviating. Prouder moments I have had.

Having said that, I am unswayed by "aw you have too much time on your hands" arguments trying to figure out new technology's effects on our behavior and thinking. I think trying to argue whether new trends are better or worse is kind of a fool's game, as it can be hard to prove either way. But, the environments we build for ourselves have effects on our mental and physical habits. So I don't think it's crazy to suggest that confining your thoughts to 140char is going to have an effect on the length and depth of the thoughts you try to express.

We seem to have a raven's sensibility about new technology: It is shiny, therefore I must have it. Twitter feels less to me like "oh hey, this technology is exactly what I've been looking for!" and more "Oh hey, it's the new hip trend!" which everyone excitedly embraces without regard for how it will affect us. I'm not saying it's necessarily evil, I'm just wondering why no one else gets frustrated that it's poorly designed in terms of organizing ideas and conversations and that 140char is not really long enough to express a thought other than texting your friend/lover/robot about what kind of food they want for dinner. And our species seems to have a remarkable capacity to embrace the new and exciting while ignoring possible unforeseen consequences, and dismissing people who bring it up as very silly indeed. Which is to say, for a bunch of apes who got where we are by thinking critically, we seem to dismiss critical thinking a lot.

Speaking of texting, wasn't twitter originally designed with the 140char limit because the creators expected updates to mostly be posted by sms instead of a straight internet connection? How insane is it then that in modern usage, in which twitter is updated and read almost entirely over the internet instead of by SMS, the message limit is still 140char? Is it just the novelty of trying to fit a thought into 140char? It boggles my at LEAST 141char mind that this is superior to being able to write a full sentence, or construct a full thought, complete with proper spelling, big, accurate words, and, in my case, absolutely horrid grammar and punctuation (so many commas in this sentence! I wonder how many are correct!).

I think the most disturbing aspect of twitter is how readily the political class took to it. CNN follows Sarah Palin's tweets, and then tries to infer what she really meant in her tweets, because 140char was not enough to express the fucking thought properly. Watch CNN, watch how much time they spend analyzing twitter feeds and interpreting what the tweeter could possibly have meant and just let the horror of that wash over you (or is it just me? Just me? Okay.). Out-of-context sound bites and "interpreting the will of the founders" by selective reading of the constitution was bad enough, but our solution was to move to trying to interpret the meaning of the tweets of our legislators because 140char is not enough room to express a complex political thought fully. Am I the only one that thinks complex political arguments should be argued in a format friendly to complex thoughts? For instance, one that doesn't hamstring sentence length? There's a lot to be said for simplifying the language and length of legislative bills, but 140char may have been something of an over-reaction.

Perhaps the appeal of twitter is a reaction to the complexity of the internet age. Less drama than Facebook, less time consuming than RSS feeds, simpler to keep track of a small group of friends. In fact, it may be the alternative to facebook for some.

I just don't understand our collective blind spots sometimes. I don't understand the appeal a service that limits the depth of your thoughts and then organizes them poorly.

Regardless, I think what I've decided is it's simply too constraining a format to express myself in. It certainly satisfies my inner egotist, but in all other ways I find it horribly frustrating. I don't like what it does to the way I think and express myself. And the 140char limit just chafes and rankles.

Anyway, now that I've firmly established myself as an old crank, I want to assure real life friends that I will still be following your feeds through Flipboard, since that's the only way to keep track of some of you. I just won't be posting. Since I cancelled my twitter account in a moment of pique.

#OnSleep

I have a crazy relationship with sleep, which is much on my mind because I have once again stayed up all night in a hopefully not futile attempt to reset my alien sleep schedule. Fret not, I actually woke up, somewhat to my surprise, at 6pm last night. So, you know, it's not so bad.

I just have this, I don't know, superstitious, or magic view of sleep, or the sleeping hours. I have problems with "being in the moment" which often expresses itself as avoidance of sleeping (because it brings tomorrow sooner, which is a moment I tend to want to avoid). Beyond that, it seems so unproductive. So much time to spend unconscious, doing nothing, when crap could be done.

And yet, last night's sleep time, passed very quickly and I did nothing worthwhile with it, which reminds me, unexpectedly in a higher primate that I would need it, that it's not "magic" time, it's just time and it's value is based on how it is spent.

So I am sitting in Spunky Monkey, injecting caffeine directly into my esophageal vein, hoping to make it until this evening. Vaguely worried about undue strain on my system, especially so soon after being sick. Wondering how soon I should go home (I imagine it will be fairly performance based). Wondering if I'll ever figure out what my really stupid drama is with sleep. I really feel I would be happier if I could understand and come to terms with basic biological realities of being human.

On the other hand, it's been super fucking awesome to finally understand sex. Ye Gods.

#wtfisthis

So. A few weeks back I decided the mental clarity and joy that comes from never having to see a commercial at any point in my day was worth $20 a month to subscribe to the daily show and colbert report. I didn't have it auto-renew, missed a few episodes, and since I am a completist and a cheap-skate (individual episodes are considerably more expensive than subscription episodes, and it was expensive to go back and watch the two weeks I missed on itunes) I decided to put up with a few commercials to fill in my missing two weeks. I also, in a wild fit of bad judgement, watched the Rocky Horror glee episode (as noted below). In doing so I noticed that both services now have TWO fucking commercials per commercial break.
I can only hysterically assume that it is their plan to eventually make me sit through the same amount of tedious, manipulative and banal fucking advertising on direct downloads as they do on broadcast TV. Bullshit. I think after I catch up on these two weeks I'm done with streaming online episodes that require commercials for the pleasure of viewing. That's more than I'm willing to pay for any TV show.
We're not fucking sheep, we don't need to sit there and let someone else tell us how to live and what we want to buy in the most transparently manipulative fashion. And for those of us slightly more self-aware sheep, we don't want to sit there doing goddamn psychic warfare consciously resisting manipulation every 12 minutes.
WTF.
Also, I pulled all my teeth out this morning. Because that's how they get you!

#Glee

Watched the Rocky Horror episode of glee. Musicals can also be insufferable. Also, kind of horrifying to watch an already pretty vanilla concept watered down even more. "Heavy Petting" converted to "Heavy sweating?" Jesus. F-ing puritans. If you have to change the lyrics to "Heavy Sweating" you can't do Rocky Horror. Also, Dr. Frank-N-Furter played by a woman playing a man playing a woman is not somehow more gender-bending, it's just a cop-out because you were too afraid of offending anyone to actually have a man do it. So, uh, bullshit.

Oz has spoken!

#constantprojection

Have skinny people always been this insufferable? I assume it's more or less a direct correlation with my weight anxieties. Also, it's a bit of turn-about is fair play problem (in that men are now judged more on their physical appearance in the same way women have had to put up with for a long time).

So those are factors.

But still, I detest the smugness. Either "this is effortless for me." or "I worked hard and you're fat because you're not dedicated." Both seem to ignore the possibility that genetics might somehow be a factor. Maybe.

There's more I can do, to be SURE. But ye gods is this a button right now.

#twitter rage

I just posted about 6 tweets in a row. mostly unrelated. None suitable for a blog post. Will this upset the twitter police? Or is it okay if they're unrelated topics? How many tweets in a row until it's rude? It's not a tool, it's church. It's a novelty. "Express yourself, but not too loudly" I'm not mad at a particular person, (although I can think of one person that would be forgiven for being tweaked at me for this post, I can make amends if asked). I'm mad that this is the new normal. This is not an acceptable world to socialize in. It kills everything good about interacting with humans. YMMV.

#clarification

I think I may come across as too extreme. There are many of you I don't see very often, but still value the times I do see you. Anyone I know personally who's reading this blog for instance. My thinking on this is fairly murky I've realized. As in, like so much of the rest of my life, I don't understand what is going on with me. So apologies if I offended anyone. You don't need to be an emotional intimate necessarily to be appreciated by me. There remains a certain area of friendship in between strangers and intimates that I don't get and other people seem too, but I don't really have a better definition for that yet.

Maybe I'm just misanthropic. Hmm, perhaps I could just rename this "misteranthropic." Yeah, that would be clever. Oh wait . . .