I finally figured out why i was so angry on dating sites.

1) I don't feel seen. I'm either invisible to the guys who only like "fit" people or I'm a fetish to someone who chases chubbies but doesn't actually know much about me as a person, they just see a shape they like. I know it takes time to be seen, but still. For me people can be attractive right away, but an actual urge to fuck them doesn't appear until we exchange words and they say interesting things.  I just don't feel like anyone can actually see me past their projected desires, self-hatred and/or over-whelming fetishes.  And I'm too cranky to be patient about it. I guess I want someone who does the dance the way I do and I haven't run into it yet.

2) Perhaps more importantly, I'm not the version of myself I want anyone to fall in love with right now. So I'm cranky if you're interested in me, because this is not the me I want to be. And my desire to people please means there's a part of my brain telling me to stop changing so I can be this thing you currently desire. Which makes me angry because I don't want to stay this way. I'm miserable. This is why going off of dating sites was a relief. This is why I'm stand-offish with people. It doesn't make me a delight at parties, but this is something I can work with. I don't want anyone to fall in love with me and my shitpile life right now. Because I'm pretty sure no one sees the me I think of as my true self through this carbuncle I've grown over myself in rage and self-defense. That's okay. I think at this point it's just good to know where to focus my energy.

As you might have picked up from previous posts, I'm not the most stable top on the table. I'm not sure why more people don't see that.

My goal is to operate kindly to myself and others and have a positive impact on the communities I interact with and friends, I have a long way to go. So far being angry at myself and the world has not been a good path forward.