The intensity of "the crush" has floated back down to earth (he's great and not interested and I have to clean up this fucking train wreck anyway ...), but it was such a long-lost and powerful feeling that it all feels notable somehow.
Things I thought I had forgotten:
- The kind of person i want is out there. It may not be this guy, but it will be someone very much like this guy. I complain that people don't want me, but this isn't really the problem. I get a few messages a week on Scruff that I largely ignore because their approach is too sexual or just plain wrong. And the issue is partly self-worth/confidence/existential crisis but also largely they just don't seem to be what I want. I think I don't give myself enough credit for knowing what I want. I do. I just don't meet someone who embodies it very often. I am holding out for great chemistry and someone I am genuinely excited about and that's okay.
- Related to above, the kind of person I want EXISTS. I admit, I was losing faith in expecting a sense of resonance with anyone in particular. It has been a long, lonely year for me in Portland, partly because I just don't seem to be meeting a lot of people who I grok or who grok me at all. It is incentive to keep searching, and maybe leave the house. I rarely read a sense of humor that is exactly mine and it is exciting to know that exists. Maybe the key is not flopping over and giving up.
- I am both happy that I now have motivation to get my shit together and irritated that it once again took an attractive, funny guy to get me motivated. I want to figure it out independently of someone else dammit. How will it mean anything otherwise? Of course, this is just motivation to get myself cleaned up enough to be appealing to someone very much like this guy? Is that a vague enough desire? That may be okay. I've learned several times over now that bettering oneself for someone else specifically is a fool's errand, because the motivation all goes to shit when it inevitably doesn't work out.
- I am still capable of reason-destroying crushes. Warning! Danger!
- I miss my sense of humor. I miss being able to make people laugh with one self-deprecating joke after another. I miss laughing until my stomach hurts. I miss me. Come back me. To I.
- I'm as attracted to a pretty face as much as the next guy, but I don't really operate on a "must get sex with randos!" level. I wish I did. Might be fun. I imagine the people who can chat people up and into bed (*coughs* like the ex) live careless and joyfully orgasmic lives, but idk really. It's not something I've ever really experienced. But my sex drive doesn't really kick in until the crushening starts, and the crushening usually starts with words and a good sense of humor. That's okay. Apparently I'm not the only one! It's easy to forget in a world of dating apps, that not everyone is looking for the quick hook-up. Again: the kind of people I want are out there, I just need to keep looking. I just need to find a way to look that works for me. And maybe work on my scruff chatting skills, for those fits of crush madness.
I guess that's it. I had forgotten I could crush this hard. I have saved a drop of this feeling in a crystal vial near where my heart used to be. It seems important to remember the possibility of feeling this way again in the future.
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