Bullets

• So that last post is an example of writing I want to get away from. I believe those things, but I'm still struggling to find a way to express it in a way that isn't preachy and off-putting. People are hypocrites and I don't think we've ever really tried adhering to our highest values out of a fear they won't really work when things get scary is the short version.

• I'm thinking of starting an email newsletter. Almost entirely because of the quality of the newsletters I currently follow (especially Warren Ellis and Ghostcop).  

• Still working on that "So you've hit 40" post. It's either going to be really long or really short and possibly really bad.

• In a recent newsletter, an author I follow described her depression as a thing in her head that wanted her dead. It was a really frank and thoughtful letter about living with depression. I think it's fair to say I struggle with depression, and it feels like a thing in my head that is not quite me as well, but I wouldn't say it wants me dead. It just wants me inert. Curiously inert. Never-changing, never succeeding, never happy. Coasting along short of happiness, but just clear of misery (although I hate to tempt fate). A fuzzy, lukewarm, unremarkable, grey goo comatose state that doesn't end until the inevitable heart attack. So, yeah. Depression sucks.

• I still want to retool the site. Maybe as wordpress. Blogspot is serviceable but I want more control over format. My failure to reinvent my blog really echoes my failure to reinvent myself though. I figure when one happens the other falls into place a little more.

• I took a break from stubbornly refusing to change by heading the the farmer's market and the Portland Art Museum today. I'm going to make a weekly thing of it, because they're both RIGHT THERE. I had the egregiously wrong assumption that the annual pass was $65 a month, but it's $65 a YEAR which is well worth it in my opinion, so I finally picked up one of those.
  I like going with friends, but it's really quite lovely to go on my own as well. No pressure to appear more artistically knowledgeable than I am, no social pressure to move to the next thing because the other person is bored. Just nice to look at whatever and linger at whatever speaks to me. And lingering on what speaks to me is a big need in my life right now. I can see this being a good habit.
  Of particular note right now are the 80s New York art scene installations, the giant and glorious painting of cats in the lower level connecting the main building and the modern art wing, the contemporary native american exhibit (indian taking pictures of tourist taking pictures of indians was kind of awesome), and the teeny, tiny animal sculptures, the name of which escapes me. Get your art on y'all!