Random thoughts

 I should probably put more words here. While I'm at it, I should probably try to put more interesting in that I usually do. 

My thinking is so scattered today. Other than the sum total of my atrocious habits, I'm not sure what to blame specifically. I think I need to go off caffeine again. Of all the things that are probably contributing, the fuzzy head I get when I have too much caffeine seems too consistent to ignore. Your mileage probably varies, I'm just ready to believe that I'm one of those people who processes caffeine so poorly it does more harm than good at this point. Whether I'm willing to give up mochas is the real question. Although I could stand to consume far less dairy too, so two birds I guess.

Scattered or not, the urge has once again arisen to figure something, anything out in my life. I am begging myself. The current state of things is intolerable. Honestly, one big reason for the misery of my life is the simple ability to shrug off quite a bit of self-inflicted misery. Occasionally it gets to be too much, even for me. I would like to be touched by another human being again, and feel comfortable in my skin around other human beings again, and I think it's okay to admit that. To do that, I need to make myself someone capable of doing that again and start living a life that has room for other people in it.

I have been consumed lately by my romantic failures. "Was I a fool?" I ask myself. "Probably," I answer. Dalton, Chris, Charles, several Matts, a Josh, and others. I worry I do the seinfeld equivalent of breaking it off because they eat their peas with a fork. Although, I am contemplating the notion that my judgement in some of these cases was actually decent, and I accurately noticed a fair deal-breaker and acted accordingly. It frustrates my relentlessly negative inner monologue to consider such heresies, but I must admit the possibility. 

Still, I miss all of them for one reason or another. Regret chances not taken. Wonder about what might have been if I'd been capable of summoning a better version of myself at the time. It's covid isolation and I can only game so much before the Life Review pops up as an intrusive thought. 

I've at least been reading more, which is some kind of small victory. It's ranged from fantasy pulp to thoughtful essays I can barely summon the attention span to finish and make some minimal sense of. But I'll take it. I like the version of myself that reads a lot, it's nice to see him even in a cameo role. Bizarrely what may be my biggest motivation here is my constant dissatisfaction with most SF/F I've been seeing on TV and movies lately. I just...don't like the large swathes of the current crop. The new Star Trek shows are too over-wrought to be fun and the rest seems similarly uninspired. There are a couple gems here and there, but still. I think the stories I'm missing are best realized in novels. Or maybe I just miss the experience of reading high concept novels. 

 Maybe I just miss reading novels. It is a very particular activity that fires the ol' neurons in the ol' grey matter in a particular way and I miss that specific sensation. My mouth is watering just thinking about it, which is very strange, but seems to happen these days when I'm doing anything edifying, be it music, language, or simply reading something other than an endless feed.

Is it possible we're not on this earth to monitor various feeds for some reason? Oh well, I'm sure if we scroll long enough the reason will become apparent. Yup, any day now.