the Funky Chicken

I have been in the most ridiculous funk recently. Women are sensitive to "pent up dude feeling frustrated" so they've given me a wide berth, which does not feel good, but also I get it. I don't really like me when I get like this either. People tend to like happy, friendly and loose and I am not happy, friendly or loose right now. There may also be thousands of years of gender dynamics driving some of these responses as well, which also make sense to me. Avoid grumpy dudes, check.

I'm extremely frustrated with where my life is at while also keenly aware it is a result of my endless choices, or rather the hole where a series of choices should be. Further, I am even more keenly aware, a point so sharp it cuts me, that I haven't made significant problem on a few important life things for about a decade now. Frustration, with the world, myself, everything, is probably underselling it at this point.

I don't know what to tell me or you or anyone. I feel extremely trapped in my life right now in just about every way and I don't always have a good grasp on how much of that is circumstance and how much of that is a story so paper thin I could break free if I stared at it really hard.

Of course, I am not a hole where a series of choices should be, I am a series of choices I do not like. Choosing to do nothing is itself a choice, of course. Of course it is. As always, this is a problem of motivation. What is my motivation? Who do I want to be? I don't know. I genuinely have no clear conception of how to answer those questions. All I know is I don't like much of this society, I think it is proudly cruel and selfish and shallow for the most part, and I don't know where I belong, have found little to actually believe in post-Adventism and I have no idea where to start looking for those things, although I think I can rule out "inside my apartment" at this point.

I think I have never fully created the quiet moment I need post-coming out 10 years ago to sort some shit out. Nor will I be able to until my extremely noisy and needy cat finally passes on (I love her, but this is true). But I should probably try harder than I have to get there. This shit ain't getting better on its own.