Happy New Year!

Ah another year, another promising relationship slips through my fingers.

I had a gentleman caller stay for a few days over New Years. It felt promising. right up until he texted me “you’re a nice guy but ...” the moment he got home. I don’t blame him exactly, I tried, but I guess I didn’t wow him. But I had a wonderful time and it wasn’t clear to me until he was gone how important his attention was to me. Oh well, another brutal lesson in relationships. We left it on good terms, but it is still hard for me not to over-react. I’m in a glass cage of emotion and all that.

It might have been different if I hadn’t spent the last year or so more or less not trying at my personal life. After the break-up I just didn’t, and mostly still don’t, give a shit about dating. Because that dance is so tiresome. And there are broader personal problems at play. An underlying depression brought on by a distinct lack of purpose and drive since leaving adventism for instance. The lack of community, sense of belonging and no clear idea where to find them and lots of ideas where not to. I’m not really in tune with Trump’s vision of life. Or, more broadly, the general thrust of our society fails to inspire me at more or less every level. Somehow making rich people richer and hoping technology will save us the way Jesus hasn’t leaves something to be desired.  Liberalism’s idea of a better world is vague and sketchy at best (justice/equality for minorities is good, status quo corruption and an increasingly shitty version of capitalism is not) and the modern conservative’s very clear vision of the future is terrifying on it’s face (the shittiest version of capitalism plus white supremacy and kicking people when they’re down!). In short I don’t know who I am or what I stand for anymore and this is a hard package to sell to prospective suitors, you know?

But I digress. Even in my own philosophy of the ideal relationship I need to clear this stuff up and figure out what I’m about before I’m truly ready to be with someone. So I get it. But I’m still pretty bummed. He was great and we were good together and I don’t get matches quite so good very often.

Alas.

The timing wasn’t right he said, and he was probably correct. There are two parts to timing: the random act of the universe, and being someone who’s ready  and able to do something about it. The timing will never be right until I find the willpower and/or the inspiration to turn myself into someone who is ready and able to take the opportunities life offers up. This is the truth and this is why so many opportunities have slipped through my fingers: I stubbornly refuse to put myself in a position to do something about them.

Ford Prefect once said he loved deadlines, and loved to watch them as the sailed on by (more or less). And I laughed because I can relate because I always wanted to be Ford more than I wanted to be Arthur Dent. But I think Arthur (both Tickian and Hitchikerian) is more my role model. Which isn’t terrible, they both ending up being able to fly and finding their perfect match, regardless of the tragic and likely funny doom waiting out there in the distance. So that’s not so bad, eh?

It is my continued hope to figure out how to be happy and be with people at some point in my life. It kind of bums me out that I’m 40 going on 41 and I’m still such a walking disaster though. I hope you are doing the exact opposite of nearly everything I’m doing.

Happy new year!