Open and Closed

Today I want to talk about open relationships. I've been sitting on this post for a while, giving myself some time to cool down, and I think it's about time. It is not my intent to disparage anyone in open relationships, or even open relationships in general, but I was in one for a couple years and it didn't work out so well for me and I want to talk about it a bit.

Honestly, I think open relationships are a reasonable choice, and if you and your partner are doing well and you both find the idea exciting, then more power to you. I don't remotely think that people who practice polyamory or open relationships are some higher and more enlightened form of human being, but as preferences go it's fine. Consenting adults can make any old romantic arrangement that they wish as far as I'm concerned. It's just obnoxious  when people think their preferences are superior by virtue of the fact that they have them. In your life, you will be tempted many, many times to assume your personal preferences make you some kind of magic. It is vital you do not succumb.

Having said all that, I'm not sure I'd choose to do it again. It turned out to be a profoundly painful experience, and the fact that it was a situation I agreed to didn't ameliorate that too much. To be fair, I think me and the ex failed open relationships more than open relationships failed us. I mean we made two crucial errors right from the start. We were using open relationships to try and fix a flagging sex life, and we chose it even though only one of us was really excited by the idea (that person was not me). But I wanted to see if it was something I could do out of simple curiosity and I wanted him to be happy so we tried it. The main issues were he kept to the letter of the arrangement but not the spirit of it (he stuck to the rules but didn't make any particular effort to take care of me or put our relationship first.).  Once he started sleeping with other people he stopped initiating it with me almost entirely. The other was we both chose over and over to continue even though hearing about his exploits felt like being stabbed in the gut every time and we both knew that. So that wasn't optimal either.

So here's some lessons learned from bitter experience, in no particular order.

• If your relationship is in trouble, an open relationship won't fix it. It will just aggravate underlying problems as jealousy and other issues crop up. If you think you feel resentful now, just wait until your partner is out sleeping with someone else for the first time.
• If the thought of your partner sleeping with someone else isn't some kind of turn-on or at least genuinely neutral to you, it's not going to help your love life. Jealousy and low self-esteem will not do wonders for your libido.
• The partner with more success outside the relationship needs to take some effort to take care of the primary partner, not expect the opposite.
• If the issue is that you just don't want to sleep with you partner anymore, don't try an open relationship, just break-up. Insisting you still find them really attractive but just have a headache for two years will fuck them up more than a simple break-up would.
• If one of you really wants to open it up and the other is extremely reticent, just break-up. There's nothing intrinsic in the open relationship that makes it feel good for the reticent partner to stay at home while the other is out on dates. If you think that situation would make you feel bad, trust your instincts.
• If one of you is not really having a good time, either from lack of success or jealousy issues from what the other is getting up to, close up the relationship and see if you both want monogamy again, or just break-up. There's no reason to stay in an arrangement that is actively making you miserable unless you're indulging in your masochistic side for reasons even months later you don't understand. And you wonder if maybe growing up fundamentalist and coming out of the closet means you've been finding ways to punish yourself both in and out of relationships. And why do you do that? Why do you have to carry the judgement of other people for them? Why punish yourself for being human?
• If you've been cheated on (a lot) and didn't enjoy it, consciously allowing someone to sleep with someone else will still feel just as shitty as when past partners cheated on you. Especially if they don't show much interest in sleeping with you anymore. Especially if they insist you keep their feelings before yours even so, just like your cheating exes did.
• It's a little awkward to date in an open relationship. If you value honesty and like to be up front about being in an open relationship, you will have much fewer takers in the dating world. If you don't think "hi I'm in an open relationship would you like to go out with me?" is going to be a power position for you, don't bother. You have to have a certain amount of game to make it work and if you feel like you already struggle on the dating scene when you're single, it will make it that much harder.
• If he's not into you now, sleeping with other people will probably not make him more into you. Work on your relationship first, or just break up.
• If the situation is causing you lots of pain and you're getting nothing in particular in return for it from your partner, for the love of god, just break up.  What are you, some kind of masochist? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?
• If you've known in the back of your mind for sometime that marriage is not in the cards, and there's an expiration date on the relationship, don't open it up, just break up.

So would I recommend open relationships? Probably not, but maybe that's just because mine was ill-advised bullshit that caused me lots of pain for which not only did I not get anything back from my partner, even acknowledgement or appreciation of how big a sacrifice it was for me. Really, I would only ever recommend it if your relationship is in a good place, and you both think it would be lots of fun to take it to another level (not necessarily a higher level, just different). Even then, if it's causing one of you pain, close it down and work it out or consider breaking up.

Whatever you do, do not limp along for a couple years, in an open relationship that is not working for you, hoping these knives to the gut will magically turn into unicorns and candy. That way lies madness. Close it or just break up. You don't have to stay in a relationship that is no longer working for you and is probably never going to.