Tales to WoW you, part 4

I see by the comment two posts down that I still have people who read this blog. This is a situation that must be rectified. Therefore, I am excited to unveil part 4 in our ongoing series, "Tales to WoW you". Yes, World of Warcraft fan fiction at it's absolute worst. You will read it and wish you hadn't. Now that I've intrigued you,

Narrator: Our heroes lie, in pieces, amidst pools of blood and murloc drool. They appear to be dead. Again.

Karibou: Well, you've killed me again Gul.

Gulveris: What do you mean "again"? We died from the plague the first time remember?

Karibou: . . . Gul, do you remember what happened the day we died?

Gulveris: Well, let me think. In the morning I believe I bought some cheap bread from the new baker in town. For lunch I made us sandwiches with said bread and I believe by late afternoon we, along with the rest of the town, had been infected with the undead plague and subsequently died. What part of that was my fault? The only thing I'm guilty of is making your last meal a tasty one.

Karibou: No.

Gulveris: What do you mean "no"? That's EXACTLY what happened.

Karibou: No, Gul, it is ALMOST what happened. What actually happened was a little more interesting. Do you remember what the new baker looked like that day?

Gulveris: Um . . . I think so. Pale guy, black cloak, hood, smelled bad.

Karibou: Uh huh, uh huh. I thought so. Tell me, did the bread he sold you look, in any way, fresh?

Gulveris: Well, it had a bit of mold, but you couldn't beat the price!

Karibou: No. No Gul, that was not "just mold". You bought infected bread from the undead scourge, and we ate it for lunch. THAT is how you killed me the first time.

Gulveris: Well, hey, I'm sorry for not being perfect Mr. "I know so much about everything", excuse me for not noticing the thing that no one else in town noticed. If you'll recall, they all died of the plague too.

Karibou: Again Gul, close but not quite. Do you recall seeing any notices that day on your way to buy bread?

Gulveris: Um, the only one I noticed said "For a good time, find Gronkelina."

Karibou: Well, my good friend Gulveris, if you had happened to read the notice just next to that one you would have seen one that said "Beware shady bread vendors selling scourge infected bread." As it happens, the rest of the town DID see that notice and thus were not infected by the scourge.

Gulveris: Well, how did they die then smartass?

Karibou: Do you remember what happened after we died?

Gulveris: If I recall correctly we un-died later that night.

Karibou: Do you remember what we did then?

Gulveris: Well, I dimly recall being hungry.

Karibou: Gul, you dimly recall everything. But let me refresh your memory. We were not just hungry, we were RAVENOUS. And do you remember what we were ravenous for?

Gulveris: Cake?

Karibou: No! No Gul! We were hungry for Brains! Brains! Which is why, undead zombie Gulveris, we went from house to house that night and killed everyone else in town, eating their brains.

Gulveris: So what you're saying is, I killed you by feeding you infected grain and then both of us became undead and killed the rest of the town?

Karibou: Yes, Gul. That is what I'm saying. Hence, this is the second time you killed me.

Gulveris: Fine, I get it. But you didn't have to be such a dick about it.

Karibou: My dear friend Gulveris. Please forgive me for causing you any emotional incovenience as I lie here, dead, in a pool of blood and murloc drool.

Gulveris: Aw, Karibou, you know I can't stay mad at you. Besides, I understand how dying for the second time must be stressing you out. Which brings up an interesting point. How are you stressed about anything at all? I thought we were dead?

Karibou: You know, Gul, that IS interesting.

Narrator: NO! It isn't! But join us next time as our dead undead heroes explore this and other equally tepid topics in "Murder-squared: For the love of the Light, why can't I die?" We guarantee you'll be wondering the same thing! See you next time, in TALES to WOW YOU!

Tales to WoW you, part 3

. . .in which my World of Warcraft fan fiction almost kills you.

In order to get myself back into blogging, I have decided to finish some of the WoW stories that I had in my head when Eric and I were playing. In addition to getting my blogging groove back, I expect to drive the remaining portion of my readers screaming into the twisting nether with my god-awful prose, thus making them able to find this blog afresh later on, as we both start anew.

With that, read on! If you can stomach it . . . and be warned, I don't feel like spell-checking today (you know, I think I have a future in public relations). Also, I'm not sure, but in my mind undead swear as much as possible, so apologies for that.

When we last left Gulveris and Karibou, Gulveris had wandered off to Undercity to find his destiny leaving Karibou to fight the denizens of Tirisfal Glades alone.

(SCENE: Karibou fights a battle against two hideous murlocs in northern portion of Tirisfal Glades.)

The Sounds of Battle: CLANG! SMASH! Mrggrggglrlgle (that was a murloc) THUNK! SLICE! POW! (Adam West was riding by) CLANG! . . . . BOOOOOOOOOM!

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: Hey, Karibou! Looks like I arrived in the nick of time!

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: (Looking Confused, which is difficult when your jaw has almost fallen off) What?

Karibou: . . . What . . . (spits out murloc foot) . . . the fuck . . . (removes murloc eye from his own eye socket) . . . was that!

Gulveris: Oh, you mean the method of your deliverance from those rotten little savages? Well, I'm glad you asked, it was (rummages in back-pack and soon hefts a red stick) Dynamite! Cool, huh?

Karibou: Gul, right now I'm tasting murloc toe-jam, I am nearly deaf from the explosion (and possibly the murloc spleen lodged in my ear) and I have, if I am not mistaken, a fucking fish femur sticking through what's left of my lower intestine.

Gulveris: You know, a little gratitude would be nice. (Begins to perform first aid while casually picking murloc remains off of his friend).

Karibou: (with a hint of sarcasm) Yes, thank you Gulveris, if it hadn't been for you I might have easily killed two murlocs without draping myself with their entrails.

Gulveris: (Finishes bandaging Karibou) There, that should keep you together until the Apothecary can look at you.

Karibou: . . . Gul, you packed murloc intestine in with my personal intestines.

Gulveris: Well, you shouldn't have left yours hanging out like that then!

Karibou: (Irritated) I . . . Didn't!

Gulveris: Oh, you'll get over it. What, are you worried it will get infected? Anyway, enough of your bitching and moaning, guess what I did in Undercity?

Karibou: Well, you either explored your necro-sexuality in ways I don't want to hear about or you learned to make dynamite.

Gulveris: (Laughing) Silly, Karibou, why can't it be both! In any case, you are looking at the newest member of the Undercity Engineering Guild! Look how much dynamite I made! (hefts back-pack crammed with explosives towards Karibou)

Karibou: (Steps quickly back) Congratulations, you have managed to complete number 32 on my list of "Ways Gulveris is Likely to Get me Killed" just under "Pushed into Lava" and just over "Trampled by Kodo".

Gulveris: Oh stop it. These things are perfectly safe (starts tossing a stick of dynamite lightly into the air). A sizable majority of my graduating class managed to do so with their limbs intact.

Karibou: Fine! Fine. I'll take your word for it. You know, your natural inclination to get me killed aside, your massive bag of explosives has great potential. Let's blow something up.

Gulveris: (Grinning) I thought you'd never ask! Look at that rabbit!

BOOOOM!

Karibou: (Clapping excitedly) Ooh, that was fun. Now me!

Gulveris: (tossing stick to Karibou) Sure, here you go!

Karibou: (Briefly glaring at Gulveris for tossing high explosive at him. Then trying to light the dynamite) Hey, how do I light this thing? Why can't I ignite the fuse?

Gulveris: (Looking embarrassed) Ah, I forgot. Let me see it? (retrieves dynamite) I'm afraid you won't be able to use this dynamite because you're not an engineer.

Karibou: What do you mean? It's just light and throw right?

Gulveris: (looking smug) Oh, I'm afraid it's much more complicated than that.

Karibou: (looking increasingly irritated) What the fuck is so complicated about "light and throw"!

Gulveris: (thinking hard, then condescendingly) Well, there are many aspects to it that a non-engineer just isn't likely to grasp.

Karibou: Like what?! (Making exasperated motions with hands) You just light and throw! Light and throw!

Gulveris: Well, for one thing an engineer would know to keep his calm around a large satchel full of dynamite. Oh, you know what! I totally forgot, I learned a new recipe just before I left! (Rummages in satchel and comes up with a pink stick of dynamite painted with flowers and puppies and a plastic cap on top) Here, try this one!

Karibou: (Looking at the stick skeptically) What the hell is that?

Gulveris: You my friend are looking at "EZ-throw" dynamite. Fun for engineers and non-engineers alike!

Karibou: So what, I can only use the kiddie dynamite? How freaking insulting is that? And why did you paint it pink! What, am I 12?

Gulveris: Well, if you were 12 you would be substantially more grateful about receiving high explosives I think.

Karibou: I'm not 12!

Gulveris: I thought you'd like it!

Karibou: Gul, pink dynamite painted with flowers and puppies will NOT strike fear into the hearts of my enemies!

Gulveris: You know I think you're just cranky because you stink like murloc intestine.

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: (realizing the situation is going downhill) Wait, look how easy it is! (Pops plastic cap off of EZ-throw dynamite and tosses backwards down to the beach).

In the distance: BOOOOOM! Mrglglgrlelglelrle! (Both turn to look at the pack of furious murlocs racing up the hill towards them)

Karibou: Number 23.

Gulveris: "Killed by a pack of furious murlocs?"

Karibou: Yup.

Gulveris: You know me too well.

Karibou: (Pulls out his sword) To know you is to hate you.

Gulveris: Aw quit yer bitchin', I have a plan.

Karibou: Me too.

Gulveris: Mine's better. You charge and hold them off while I destroy them with dynamite.

Karibou: . . .

Gulveris: What?

Mrlglggggrlgrlgl!

(to be continued . . .)

Follow-up on Catch Scratch.

I later recovered from my cat bite.

Thanks to "Busty Karen takes it 3 ways" for caring enough to leave a comment.