So, I reached the 10k eliminations point on Overwatch, if that's a helpful indicator of how I've been spending my time recently. Eliminations are the record of how many video game action figure deaths I have contributed to. It makes me feel bad to play it a lot, because I don't play with friends, and I realized recently I play it less because I'm hooked on the game, and more because I'm hooked on feeling bad about myself? So that's a problem. My tunnel vision obsession with various activities may be a separate problem all it's own though.
The long and short of everything about me right now is I'm disconnected from people too much and I'm living in a way that feels out of synch with what I want for my life and in some cases my values and those things are driving me a little nuts. I think I'm trying to reach bottom, or at least a cliff overlooking bottom, in a controlled landing, so I can start building up again. I'm going for a tabula rasa moment, while being frustrated about how boring that is.
I had, unexpectedly, a magical evening with a gentleman that might be a doomed relationship or the potential start of something really good. I don't know which yet. It was a nice reminder that I can feel better, things can be better, and there are people I genuinely do connect with. Also, a pointed reminder that I desperately need to create space in my life for that kind of thing to happen. Currently that space is filled with video games, self-loathing and apathy.
I have a post I keep meaning to write about this shithole of a year, but it would be more catharsis than anything. So be excited for that.
I've been watching Star Trek: TNG obsessively recently, and it's been a nice antidote to this godawful, never-ending presidential election. I read a pretty interesting article on the limits of the humanism in that show, which I ended up largely agreeing with. In short, cultural relativism only takes you so far. But it has been nice to watch stories that trod that fine line between holding your values and continuing to work towards amicable and peaceful solutions with even the most aggressive and personally repugnant of enemies. It's a quality we seem to be losing as a culture and I miss it dearly. No one can see themselves in the other anymore and that bodes poorly for prospects of peace in the near future.
I'm taking this ramble as a writing victory and you can't stop me.
