I've never quite felt in tune with "guyness" whatever that means. I understand I have and exemplify many of the positive and negative traits of high-testosterone havers. For instance, I constantly decry the ubiquity of mansplainers, who basically seem to train themselves on irrelevant trivia and wait for opportunities to jump on minor mistakes in order to establish themselves as some kind of authority on just about anything. And I do that in a very mansplainy way that might be construed as a way to say, "actually, I think I've got some important information to deliver authoritatively to you." So yes, I am that which I decry and practice projection religiously even though I have never actually worked in a moving-picture theater and was not raised in some kind of freaky A/V cult.
That said, there are some behaviors I have never gotten, and do not still continue to get. Consider, for instance, the dick pic. Or rather, don't consider it because who cares about a random guy's dick? Basically no one, except for the dick addicted (not that there's anything wrong with that!) trolling for pictures on the internet, which is why it's so odd that the sending of dick pics and, more broadly, the inappropriate injection of crass sexuality into what was otherwise a polite conversation of new acquaintances is widespread enough that I don't even have to explain more than this and you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I mean, goddamn successful, famous and wealthy adult men apparently do this constantly, and not just the ones named "weiner" by a saucy universe. And if you don't, please peruse
Straight White Boys Texting for some depressing examples of the phenomenon. I genuinely don't understand how many guys make it to adulthood and think an appropriate meet-n-greet with a stranger that has put forward absolutely no sexual indicators of any kind is an unsolicited close-up of their junk. Or that they're horny. Or that hey, do you like sex? Because they and their dick think about it all the time and this is important information for everyone to know. Basically, how do so many guys get to adulthood without realizing that their dick and its arousal level aren't particularly fascinating to the general population?
Even in my gay dating phase on internet sites, I had to screen out the "got pics" guys whose profile picture was a torso and thought "dtf?" was an a nice way to say hello. I mostly just ignored them, but it was all I could do not to reply, "Got a command of language and words and interesting ideas you can express with them?"
Of course, I endlessly consider whether this is just a matter of prudery on my part, and maybe there exists a diverse network of well-received dick picing from random strangers all around me that me and my prudish mind are sheltered from that people just aren't talking about. But I kinda doubt it. "I got an unsolicted dick pic and I liked it." hasn't even busted into the top 100 on the pop charts as far as I'm aware.
So here's the advice I wish someone, one goddamn person, in twenty or thirty years of life would have given to these poor clueless bastards:
Sometimes, you will meet someone who is attractive to you. And your body will respond very strongly and you will get a funny feeling in your pants and it will seem very urgent to let the other person know that you are now interested in sex with them and you have a funny feeling in your pants and would they like to see your weiner? STOP right there. It is very important to engage other senses and ideas in this moment. Take a breath and assess the situation. Have you and this person even exchanged words yet? If not, control your rampant libido for 5 seconds and say "hello!" with a friendly smile, or another suitably neutral greeting. It is vital to continue to control your sex drive at this time. You will want to drop your pants or send them a picture of your wang, and it is important to RESIST those actions when you first meet someone. In actual fact, you can assume that at any given time, in any given situation NO ONE is interested in your dick pic and whether you are horny. Which isn't to say that's actually true at all times, you may have an admirer who quite likes imagining your dick pic, but for the sake of making good impressions and setting up romantic and/or sexual encounters down the road and giving everyone else a fucking break, it is important to assume that no one gives a shit about your dick or your horniness and that therefore maybe it's best to keep it to yourself for the time being. Not that these things are anything to be ashamed of! Just that they're likely not things that other people who don't know you or aren't into you are going to be interested in. NOT sending a dick pic is rarely a deal-breaker in the dating world, so this is usually a safe course of action. And, frankly, everyone knows guys, especially young guys, are aroused by light breezes. So the simple fact that an attraction has given you a boner will not be of particular note to strangers or potential lovers. Shapely clouds give guys boners, it's really not that much of a compliment.
From this point on, it is important to have practiced reading body language. Reading body language, and in some cases understanding plain English, is vital in achieving the remotest chance at sexual interaction with this new person that you know nothing about but are suddenly incredibly attracted to. If they ignore your greeting, or shy away from you, that means they're not interested in what you're about right now. This is OKAY. It's important to accept that the reality that your sexual attraction will sometimes be completely, utterly and hopelessly one-sided. Even though, at times, your body will be screaming "you and me are a perfect mating pair and we should do it a lot!" this will likely NOT be the response of someone who's just met you, and doesn't know you very well. But do not despair! While a "Not interested," can be disappointing, the truth is the faster you accept a "No, I don't think we're a good match." the sooner you can get to finding someone who things you ARE a good match and maybe wants to see your dick.
NOTE: In the early stages of meeting someone, it is STILL important not to send an unsolicited dick pic or mention your horniness in a conversation about her (or his) aunt's funeral. While a strong sex drive will make you impatient, it is important to understand a lifetime of hurt and other mitigating factors will make many men and women cautious about jumping into bed with random strangers. They like to do things like exchange words, and assess whether you're capable of spending time together without it being about you or your photogenic penis all the time, or whether you'd be fun to hang out with even if you're not having sex, or whether you're dangerous, or whether you're just someone who likes to sleep around a lot and will drop out of their lives as soon as you've notched your bedpost. For instance, many people are looking for a man who does more than ignore them while playing games, talk about horniness and send dick pics in lieu of actual conversation. If you're a gay man in Portland, the odds of finding another guy who's kind of into that is pretty high. Otherwise, the odds are lower than you probably think they are. Sometimes people want to spend time with you without hearing about your horniness or your viral penis pictures for a WHOLE DAY. This is okay, you still have your hand in emergencies. NOTE: It is still important to masturbate privately and not mention it to someone who has otherwise not yet expressed any particular interest in your sexuality. "I was thinking of you as I masturbated" is the kind of statement best left for well after consensual sexual activities have commenced somewhere down the line.
By this point, you are probably frustrated. "Well, when CAN I talk about my horniness and my endless supply of personal penile erotica?" The sad truth is, the occasions where injecting your personal state of arousal into a random conversation are extremely limited. If you're ever in doubt, you should absolutely NOT mention your arousal or your penis in normal conversation, even with potential sexual partners. I want to assure you at this point, if you are a young man, and you are sexually attracted to someone, you will have a tell. You will have about 20 tells. The other party will, I promise, at some point pick up on the fact that you are interested in them. Stating explicitly what everyone can see as the obvious truth is absolutely not necessary in these early stages. And honestly, when someone is interested in your sexuality, it will likely not be subtle from their end. All you need to do is talk, be friendly, be flirty (but WITHOUT mentioning your penis or your horniness!) and anyone who thinks you have potential will flirt back, or will smile at you, or get nervous, or will shift their body so it faces you or will put there hand on your hand, or will kiss you. This is not necessarily the go ahead for a quick dick pic or an unsubtle sex joke, or wild pelvic grinding but keep smiling and talking and maybe kissing! Unambiguous signs that a dick pic or a sex joke might be appropriate are: they have sent you a naked picture and are requesting one from you. Success! Free your phallus from zipped oppression and sext away. Or they will make their own unsubtle sex joke, at which point you can be like, "ooh, yes let's have sex please now that you've suggested it." As unintuitive as it may seem, NOT immediately talking about your boner complete with photographic illustrations, and continuing to NOT do those things as you talk to people you find almost unbearably attractive, can eventually lead to being invited to do both of those things! Your attraction to them will slip out in the way you act and talk, so please rest assured there's no need to snap a dick pick and and make a joke about sex so they know you are a person interested in sex. They get it. They have already assumed or noticed that.
So try it! Have patience, practice reading body language, practice getting rejected (learning from rejection is a great way to learn how to meet the right person and BE the right person! I promise!) and eventually (sooner than you think!) you'll figure it out and land a hottie! The sad truth about socializing is it takes practice to be any good at it, and it takes practice to control your sex drive long enough to have any chance of a rewarding sexual interaction with people you are attracted to. For instance, it is important to learn to distinguish between signs of interest and signs of disinterest. By all means express your interest, but in the realm of dating, conversation more subtle and restrained than "Here's my dick, I am horny." will go a long way in winning you friends and lovers. The happy truth about socializing is you will get better at it, as long as you keep putting yourself out there, learn from your mistakes, listen to feedback on how your actions affect the people around you, and honestly try. Remember, just because your social interactions might be awkward now, it doesn't mean you are a bad person, or can't learn it, it just means you haven't learned it YET. If you can set aside your ego, and to some degree your raging sex drive and infinite catalog of instagrammed erections, it only takes a few months to (or less!) to learn how to read people better and learn how socialize more effectively. And more effective socialization will lead to, wait for it (really, wait for it), more opportunities at sex and love!
You can do it. I know you can. But, for the love of god, stop sending pictures of your dick and horniness updates to people you hardly know. You're a sentient adult and adults are capable of self-control, even when they are very aroused. You can do it. It will be great.
