Upon Attempting to read Milton

Upon attempting to read Milton
And Paradise Lost
I found myself
 unprepared.
As Satan,
 arrogant, unrepentant
surveyed his followers,
Fallen and dispirited,
I struggled to retain concentration
on a story I am,
in fact,
quite interested in.
The poetry is uneven,
and I understand
maybe
half the references
and my phone lights up
and suddenly
 I am
scrolling
scrolling
scrolling
Wait,
 what was I doing?
Ah yes, a text,
fallen from the heavens.
Okay,
but before that?
Ah yes,
Lucifer surveys hell
and decides it might look good
with a few throw pillows
and a lack of heavenly oversight.
And there are so many footnotes.
Should I read the footnotes?
No.
Struggling to maintain
enough concentration
 to comprehend
the general flow
 of the poem
will probably tax me enough.
Shit,
this is good.
Angels swarm like Locusts.
Lucifer undaunted.
Beelzebub, Belial, Moloch.
Sinister, rebellious.
The cat is crying.
Goddamn it cat
I am reading John Milton.
And my concentration
is anemic enough
without your caterwauling.
ha,
 caterwauling.
Wait,
 that's just where it comes from.
Where was I?
Milton. Satan. Hell.
Okay, that's 5 pages.
Time for a break.
Why is it so much harder
 to make
the time and space
to read and study
than it was 20 years ago?
I should be
at the height of my powers
Arrogant, rebellious
Instead
Atrophied, superfluous
Surveying hell
Alas.

Random Thoughts

We first demonize people because it's wrong to harm a person. If they're not a person really, then the rules are different, aren't they? We're a fun species, aren't we? So much investment in the suffering of other, carefully-defined-as-lesser people. We think their suffering is both corrective and just because they are lesser. Convenient!

Still thinking about something I saw on twitter about addiction largely being about a life that feels too painful to be present for. That one hit right in the gizzard. That's me and games right there. To some much lesser degree alcohol and pot. I could give up alcohol and pot in a heartbeat for meaningful human connection. Games have a stronger hook.

Beyond that, have I had a painful life? Less painful than some, but more than I admit to I think. My relationships have been incredibly painful to me. I didn't even think about dating for years after each of my long-term relationships. Leaving my religion and coming out of the closet and wandering the earth* isolated and alone has been painful. It's probably less about "how much pain has your life had?" than "are you dealing with your pain?" though. I probably need to deal with my pain. So that sounds fun.

I am still waiting for a divine revelation about what my purpose in life is. I suspect I will keep waiting. It would be nice to find a cause or a community to get excited about again though.

The only prayer I pray right now is "My cat is dying** and I am lost. Help me." I am not sure who I am praying to.

*sitting my apartment.

**There's nothing really to do for her. She gets fluids and meds, but kidney failure is a long, slow decline. I spoil her as much as I can.