There may come in a time in your big city life where you might say to yourself, "this city is great, but what can I do about all these incredibly inconvenient people?" Do not fear. While there is no ethical justification for wielding your impressive powers of magnetic manipulation to create a fearsome barrier of robots, missiles and mutants between you and the outside world, you too can alienate yourself from human society by diligently following these simple tips.
It all starts with the attitude, specifically a bad one. And a bad attitude starts with personal unhappiness, insecurity and ridiculously poor self-esteem. You don't like anyone and you don't like yourself. If you're having trouble with the former, start with the latter. The good news is, once you get the cycle churning, isolation and alienation will serve as an endless source of insecurity and alienation, feeding your bad attitude. That's right, we've discovered a perpetual emotion device! Of course, as moody introverts we are not inclined to share it.
Don't go out. There are many exciting and soul-destroying ways to stay in. It is important not to improve yourself when you stay in. That may give you potentially interesting things to talk about or, god forbid, a sizable boost of self-esteem that may undermine this whole project. Binge Netflix. Play video games, the more addictive the better. Many modern games are more or less designed along the same lines as video slots as it is very well known that random rewards at the right frequency are very addictive. The more you sit at home mindlessly pulling that lever the less you'll have to talk about and the unhappier you will be. Stay at home. Sit on your ass. Pull the lever. Wonder why you have no friends and never meet people and have nothing to talk about when you do. Let the answering sorrow that attends those questions give you the strength to pull that lever. World of Warcraft is a wonderful game to play when you hate yourself. When in doubt, dissociate, dissociate, dissociate. Dissociation is a wonderful time machine that you exit exactly as unhappily as you entered.
Don't go to parties. Or if you do leave early, because you don't belong there. You don't fit in with those people. You made a complete ass of yourself. They're all just self-interested jerks anyway. Just carelessly happy like a bunch of IDIOTS. Hate them, hate yourself. Go home. Of course, you don't hate them, this is all projection. Just another stupid thing you do to sabotage yourself. Stupid! Why do they invite you to these things anyway? (Don't worry, they will stop).
Never reach out. Never give any sign that you are happy they have reached out. They probably didn't mean it. They probably wouldn't like you anyway. They're probably a bunch of jerks who don't understand what you understand. It probably wouldn't work out. When they start avoiding you in public because they, for some reason, think you don't like them, it will just be another reason to be mad at yourself. Stupid! But also: awesome.
Convince yourself that you are just taking the space you need to get your head together, but resolutely refuse to create a quiet space to get your head together. Procrastination will serve you well here. How can you take time for yourself when you urgently need to clean up a mess you should have dealt with weeks ago? Don't worry, you will get your head together after this crisis. Or maybe after the three you have stacked up right behind it.
Nurture that sense of not belonging anywhere. Ignore any rational thought process that insists that can't possibly be true. Do not look up community events, meet-up groups, churches, sports competitions or community drinking establishments. Loudly lament that you can't find your people anywhere and have no idea where to look. You must be from Mars. They must not be anywhere. Poor you. Poor sad, lonely you.
Don't know yourself. It turns out to be incredibly easy to not find people who share you values when you have no earthly idea what your values actually are. Who are your people? How would you know? You don't know! Good work.
Form an unhealthy relationship with your phone. Pick it up for no reason. Scroll mindlessly. Suddenly wake up and wonder why you phone is in your hand and wonder what you are doing. Oh right, you wanted to check the weather. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Wait, what were you doing? Oh right, the weather. Oh wait. Your brain is mush. You won't be able to get through a sentence in public without habitually picking up your phone to scroll a feed of some sort. This phone is your LIFE, but you couldn't say why. Keep it up!
Blame it on your introversion. Or on extroverts. It is the same thing. Did you zone out while your last friend was sharing a secret heartache with you? I'm sorry, you are introvert and they will have to understand. Were you a fantastic jerk at that party? Such is the burden of introversion. Did you scowl at that woman who had the stunning audacity to be carelessly happy? Sorry babe, total introvert here. Remember, you are never responsible for your behavior so long as you have your introversion to hide behind. Introversion: sword and shield. Wield it well.
If you follow these simple tips, you too can generate the veritable fountain of angst that stems from longing for human contact but rendering yourself unable to generate or sustain it. Good luck you sorry sad sacks. I'd say I'm rooting for you, but I hate you all.
In the meantime I'll be over here wondering "when, oh when, will I find my place in the world?" Just about never if I play my cards right! I'm not only president, I'm also a member.
Friday, August 24, 2018
Friday, August 17, 2018
The 12 Labors
When every soul incarnates on this earth (or someplace like it), the great god Zeus (or some reasonable facsimile) sends the swift god mercury (or at least something zippy with wings) to assign 12 important labors during their time on Earth (or wherever). It is not a punishment, it is not the law, but if you're not going to bother checking off the list, we hope you'll enjoy reincarnation and another exciting opportunity to finish your homework.
These are the labors Zeus (I think) has given you in the year of our lord 2018. They number 12 (ish).
1st Labor. You are to survive your childhood with your spirit intact. There are few true actual, verifiable adults, in the larger multi-contextual cosmic definition of adult, on this planet and so the over-grown children who end up raising you will undoubtedly mess it up in any number of exciting ways. Your job is to survive inattentiveness, over-protectiveness, religious hoo-ha, corporal punishment and all the attendant mind fucks they will inflict on you in order to make you a "productive adult" which rarely happens here. Your job is to learn what is wisdom and what is the unresolved emotional issue of an over-grown child and guard the former while discarding the latter. Unhappy "adults" will attempt to beat the joy out of you over the course of 18 years or so. Do not let them. As you will likely never become a cosmically mature adult over the course of your time here, and the assaults on your spirit will not magically relent over time, you are instructed to continue guarding your spirit indefinitely.
2nd Labor. You must leave your religion. This is not to say you must lose your faith, but you must lose blind devotion to any institution, blind devotion to any institution is by definition religious, and question authority. Especially institutions or authorities that would prefer you not question and instead maintain a blind devotion. Earth is certainly does not lack for institutions who will try to impose a definition of "exactly how it is and it is no different." and holy crap are they wrong. We're all laughing up here at how ludicrously wrong they are, honestly. Zeus is certainly not neutral on the existence and goodness of Zeus, but you also don't have to take someone else's word for it. Think for yourself. The great thing about Zeus is all roads lead back to Zeus (or Athena or the Star Goat or Ethical principles arrived at via Reason and Study or what have you).
3rd Labor. Do not buy what they are selling you. You will be bombarded from an early age, left in the tender care of an sophisticated advertising industry by the stressed out over-grown children that are your parents who are only too happy to let the TV babysit you for 30 goddamn minutes of quiet time, by a barrage of messages indicating you are the best and most central person that has ever existed so long as you buy, buy buy. Products are fun to buy, products are at times necessary to buy, but you may discard the entire messaging industry surround the purchasing of products as the manipulative bullshit it is. Your job is to resist manipulation in all forms, from flattery to insults designed to provoke a sense of insecurity. Humans on earth have developed an extensive machine designed to destroy of obfuscate all context that is not consumerism, so you will have to be vigilant and proactive about resisting and destroying that machine. This labor will last your whole life, so pace yourself.
4th Labor. Give a damn about something other than yourself. People will tell you selfishness leads to the highest good, but they are wrong. Take care of yourself yes, but establishing a context which does not have you at the apex is crucial to walking the Earth as something other than a self-absorbed psychopath, because self-absorbed psychopaths are not fun at parties. You're nice and all, but you're no Zeus. Leave the over-weening, if well-deserved, self-congratulation and adoration to Him. Or Her. Or whoever.
5th Labor. Discover your purpose. You are likely to be born into a society of wealthy hoarders who will tell you hoarding wealth is the highest good and most noble purpose. This is so laughably untrue Zeus can't aim his smite lightning correctly he's laughing so hard (or Athena her bow, or Zarquon his mutation ray). Hoarding wealth looks great to tragically unmedicated hoarders, but there are hundreds if not thousands if not millions of better and more attractive purposes that you will find fulfilling and will help you get laid at parties (getting laid at parties is fine, but not in and of itself likely to be a satisfying lifetime purpose). Not every purpose is for every person, you will probably have to try a few on before you find one you like. This process may take a while so do not give up.
6th Labor. Know what you know and know what you don't know. Embrace humility as the consequence of and only path to knowledge. You're here to learn (see the 10th Labor), and you can't do that if you think you already know everything. Trust Zeus, his messengers, the Goddess Athena and the Benevolent Star Goat Balthazar, you arrive here a blank slate and even the most diligent of students will leave having experienced and learned only a tiny fraction of the greater cosmic reality. The sooner you willingly embrace how little you truly know, the sooner you can get out of your own way and start learning some interesting and useful things in the short time you are given here. To quote one of your most famous philosophers: It's a great big universe, and we're all really puny. Except Zeus. Oof, is he BIG.
7th Labor. Develop whatever personal practice will lead you to internal peace and external kindness. Your time here is too short to spend it at war with yourself and everyone around you. There is a calm at the center of the storm. Find it.
8th Labor. Hold the line against evil without becoming it. There are lost people and corrosive ideologies and flat out evil ideas that are hostile to human bodies and souls alive in this world. They will act and so must you. Your job is to know what is evil and what is not and why. It is further to your job to oppose it in word or deed as necessary, without becoming it yourself. This is, at times, tricky and you are likely to fuck it up. Don't give up! There is nothing evil would rather you believe than it is too hard to oppose evil or too hard to think about silly things like ethics and philosophy. It is not. Know what your ethics are and how they guide your behavior. A well-grounded set of ethical principles will see you through the hardest of times. If your ethics lead you to evil acts or lead you to fail to defend against evil acts then revise, revise, revise.
9th Labor. You must become a better person every day. You'll notice a lack of specificity in the wording of some of these labors. What is evil? What is better? It is part of your job to figure it out. It is a perfectly human response to dissociate and check out and just get by without really thinking about what it means to be a good person and what it means to be better. But your job is not to dissociate, your job is to try. The counter-productive and perfectly human tendencies that inhibit your growth are presented as another exciting opportunity for you to grow and overcome. You may thank Zeus at your leisure. Address all complaints to the Benevolent Star Goat Balthazar.
10th Labor. You have to learn. You have been designed from the ground up to learn automatically every day. Your feelings, your reactions, you instincts, all learned reactions to stimulus. That unconscious learning is a gimme, a value-added product offered free of charge by Zeus, Athena and the grand pantheon of interstellar gods, deities and notable quotables. Conscious learning is then your responsibility. Look, if you're not going to bother, then this whole thing is just a big waste of time. Learn. Learn something interesting and share it with someone else. Zeus commands it.
11th Labor. Help. We're all in this together whether we like it or not. Take care of someone else and they take care of you. That is the deal. That is the best of life as a social primate. Hell is other people but help is other people too. I am sorry, but I don't make the rules. Zeus does! Be a helper. Big yellow birds and kind, be-sweatered men have known for centuries what science is confirming today: helping works.
12th Labor. Die well. Greet the end of your life with no regrets. It doesn't matter than you didn't get it all done, it matters that you tried. It matters that you spent your time well in a way you will not regret at your last breath. Leave a legacy of art, family, friends and ideas who embody what you thought was best in life. Perform your labors and die satisfied. This is Zeus's final task for you, although the Star Goat has also signed off on it.
12ish Labor. More of a reminder really. A rider. An addendum. A "just so you know." You only get the one body and must maintain it yourself. No trade-ins, no do-overs, no fancier models are currently available. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
These are the labors Zeus (I think) has given you in the year of our lord 2018. They number 12 (ish).
1st Labor. You are to survive your childhood with your spirit intact. There are few true actual, verifiable adults, in the larger multi-contextual cosmic definition of adult, on this planet and so the over-grown children who end up raising you will undoubtedly mess it up in any number of exciting ways. Your job is to survive inattentiveness, over-protectiveness, religious hoo-ha, corporal punishment and all the attendant mind fucks they will inflict on you in order to make you a "productive adult" which rarely happens here. Your job is to learn what is wisdom and what is the unresolved emotional issue of an over-grown child and guard the former while discarding the latter. Unhappy "adults" will attempt to beat the joy out of you over the course of 18 years or so. Do not let them. As you will likely never become a cosmically mature adult over the course of your time here, and the assaults on your spirit will not magically relent over time, you are instructed to continue guarding your spirit indefinitely.
2nd Labor. You must leave your religion. This is not to say you must lose your faith, but you must lose blind devotion to any institution, blind devotion to any institution is by definition religious, and question authority. Especially institutions or authorities that would prefer you not question and instead maintain a blind devotion. Earth is certainly does not lack for institutions who will try to impose a definition of "exactly how it is and it is no different." and holy crap are they wrong. We're all laughing up here at how ludicrously wrong they are, honestly. Zeus is certainly not neutral on the existence and goodness of Zeus, but you also don't have to take someone else's word for it. Think for yourself. The great thing about Zeus is all roads lead back to Zeus (or Athena or the Star Goat or Ethical principles arrived at via Reason and Study or what have you).
3rd Labor. Do not buy what they are selling you. You will be bombarded from an early age, left in the tender care of an sophisticated advertising industry by the stressed out over-grown children that are your parents who are only too happy to let the TV babysit you for 30 goddamn minutes of quiet time, by a barrage of messages indicating you are the best and most central person that has ever existed so long as you buy, buy buy. Products are fun to buy, products are at times necessary to buy, but you may discard the entire messaging industry surround the purchasing of products as the manipulative bullshit it is. Your job is to resist manipulation in all forms, from flattery to insults designed to provoke a sense of insecurity. Humans on earth have developed an extensive machine designed to destroy of obfuscate all context that is not consumerism, so you will have to be vigilant and proactive about resisting and destroying that machine. This labor will last your whole life, so pace yourself.
4th Labor. Give a damn about something other than yourself. People will tell you selfishness leads to the highest good, but they are wrong. Take care of yourself yes, but establishing a context which does not have you at the apex is crucial to walking the Earth as something other than a self-absorbed psychopath, because self-absorbed psychopaths are not fun at parties. You're nice and all, but you're no Zeus. Leave the over-weening, if well-deserved, self-congratulation and adoration to Him. Or Her. Or whoever.
5th Labor. Discover your purpose. You are likely to be born into a society of wealthy hoarders who will tell you hoarding wealth is the highest good and most noble purpose. This is so laughably untrue Zeus can't aim his smite lightning correctly he's laughing so hard (or Athena her bow, or Zarquon his mutation ray). Hoarding wealth looks great to tragically unmedicated hoarders, but there are hundreds if not thousands if not millions of better and more attractive purposes that you will find fulfilling and will help you get laid at parties (getting laid at parties is fine, but not in and of itself likely to be a satisfying lifetime purpose). Not every purpose is for every person, you will probably have to try a few on before you find one you like. This process may take a while so do not give up.
6th Labor. Know what you know and know what you don't know. Embrace humility as the consequence of and only path to knowledge. You're here to learn (see the 10th Labor), and you can't do that if you think you already know everything. Trust Zeus, his messengers, the Goddess Athena and the Benevolent Star Goat Balthazar, you arrive here a blank slate and even the most diligent of students will leave having experienced and learned only a tiny fraction of the greater cosmic reality. The sooner you willingly embrace how little you truly know, the sooner you can get out of your own way and start learning some interesting and useful things in the short time you are given here. To quote one of your most famous philosophers: It's a great big universe, and we're all really puny. Except Zeus. Oof, is he BIG.
7th Labor. Develop whatever personal practice will lead you to internal peace and external kindness. Your time here is too short to spend it at war with yourself and everyone around you. There is a calm at the center of the storm. Find it.
8th Labor. Hold the line against evil without becoming it. There are lost people and corrosive ideologies and flat out evil ideas that are hostile to human bodies and souls alive in this world. They will act and so must you. Your job is to know what is evil and what is not and why. It is further to your job to oppose it in word or deed as necessary, without becoming it yourself. This is, at times, tricky and you are likely to fuck it up. Don't give up! There is nothing evil would rather you believe than it is too hard to oppose evil or too hard to think about silly things like ethics and philosophy. It is not. Know what your ethics are and how they guide your behavior. A well-grounded set of ethical principles will see you through the hardest of times. If your ethics lead you to evil acts or lead you to fail to defend against evil acts then revise, revise, revise.
9th Labor. You must become a better person every day. You'll notice a lack of specificity in the wording of some of these labors. What is evil? What is better? It is part of your job to figure it out. It is a perfectly human response to dissociate and check out and just get by without really thinking about what it means to be a good person and what it means to be better. But your job is not to dissociate, your job is to try. The counter-productive and perfectly human tendencies that inhibit your growth are presented as another exciting opportunity for you to grow and overcome. You may thank Zeus at your leisure. Address all complaints to the Benevolent Star Goat Balthazar.
10th Labor. You have to learn. You have been designed from the ground up to learn automatically every day. Your feelings, your reactions, you instincts, all learned reactions to stimulus. That unconscious learning is a gimme, a value-added product offered free of charge by Zeus, Athena and the grand pantheon of interstellar gods, deities and notable quotables. Conscious learning is then your responsibility. Look, if you're not going to bother, then this whole thing is just a big waste of time. Learn. Learn something interesting and share it with someone else. Zeus commands it.
11th Labor. Help. We're all in this together whether we like it or not. Take care of someone else and they take care of you. That is the deal. That is the best of life as a social primate. Hell is other people but help is other people too. I am sorry, but I don't make the rules. Zeus does! Be a helper. Big yellow birds and kind, be-sweatered men have known for centuries what science is confirming today: helping works.
12th Labor. Die well. Greet the end of your life with no regrets. It doesn't matter than you didn't get it all done, it matters that you tried. It matters that you spent your time well in a way you will not regret at your last breath. Leave a legacy of art, family, friends and ideas who embody what you thought was best in life. Perform your labors and die satisfied. This is Zeus's final task for you, although the Star Goat has also signed off on it.
12ish Labor. More of a reminder really. A rider. An addendum. A "just so you know." You only get the one body and must maintain it yourself. No trade-ins, no do-overs, no fancier models are currently available. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
Tuesday, August 07, 2018
Status Update
Circling the drain!
I ran out of money this week in a monumental cock-up on my part. It surprised me when it shouldn't have for one, and for two I have been in denial about a couple of financial realities for a while now. The most salient aspect of which is that my rent has gone up $500 since I've moved here and my salary halved a year ago. So I need to get a room mate or, more likely, move in the next month or so. I have a loan against my retirement account I am trying to get started, but the office for that is not calling me back for reasons I don't entirely understand. Anyway, shit is fucked up and bullshit and it's entirely my fault.
I've been spending a lot of time at a diner I like, with people I like, but it's $15 a breakfast every day which added up quick. So between eating out too much and over-priced rent I've blown through entirely too much money and that was stupid. But the diner was my social life on life support and my apartment is in an area of town I really like (not even fancy, rents here are just stupid now thanks to capitalisms tendency to destroy communities).
So if my benefits ever finds the time to call me back (I will be going up the command chain at the end of the week if I haven't heard back yet, because jesus christ what the fuck is the hold-up). I should be able to get through the next month and move and that will be change, good or bad. Although at this point in my life any change is likely good.
But otherwise I am still stagnant, still isolated, with no community or purpose to latch on to. It is not fun and I don't recommend it to anyone.
All I've really wanted for a long time now is a little quiet and I just can't create it for myself. Working from home is a misery because my cat drives me nuts. If I hadn't had her for 12 years or so and she wasn't already dying of kidney failure I might give her away. I had a life bond with my other cat, may he rest in peace, but this one has always been a more ... mercurial relationship. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's the worst. But she actively hates peace, quiet and concentration and some writers like to play that off as cute, but it drives me nuts because she's not actually teaching me important life lessons when I can't get my fucking work done. Gah. Did I mention she's dying and I feel incredibly guilty for being frustrated with her all the time? It's true. She's going to Actually Die at some point and I'm going to feel terrible about this last year.
But I digress. I just want quiet and I need to work harder at creating that. I'd love 6 months on an island or a sanitarium but I'll settle for a quiet home life for a while. I don't know, something. A purpose, an opportunity, a connection. Some god damn thing.
I just don't understand why I basically don't function anymore socially or productively and I don't know what to do about it. And I'm too broke for therapy! But hey, I have a blog where I can ramble/whine about it. Which is SOMETHING.
I get invited to drinks and whatnot but I don't really feel like I fit in so I don't have a good time. I mean transparently the problem is my self-esteem is cratered and I don't really do anything interesting worth talking about anymore aside from reading a few good books. But I feel 1000% percent more boring when I go out with people. I just don't have a lot to say anymore and I'm not too happy so I'm not fun to be around. Also I have a stupid unrequited crush that is a bad idea and I know that because I've done this 20 times before, but here I am again.
I really desperately need to get out of the house on the cheap. I should probably start volunteering somewhere at the very least. Maybe try some meditation groups or buddhist churches. Part of the problem is I'm desperately unhappy but not really sure what I actually want to do instead of what I'm doing, even though it would likely be better to be doing literally anything else than playing video games and hating myself. I'd probably be fine if I could find somewhere to just put my head down and work in a small group for a while. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my cat to die before making any big life changes which suuuuuucks for all involved.
Anyway, I continue to hate this whole big stupid phase of my life. When I figure out how to stop being so stubbornly unhappy maybe I'll have a better update.
I ran out of money this week in a monumental cock-up on my part. It surprised me when it shouldn't have for one, and for two I have been in denial about a couple of financial realities for a while now. The most salient aspect of which is that my rent has gone up $500 since I've moved here and my salary halved a year ago. So I need to get a room mate or, more likely, move in the next month or so. I have a loan against my retirement account I am trying to get started, but the office for that is not calling me back for reasons I don't entirely understand. Anyway, shit is fucked up and bullshit and it's entirely my fault.
I've been spending a lot of time at a diner I like, with people I like, but it's $15 a breakfast every day which added up quick. So between eating out too much and over-priced rent I've blown through entirely too much money and that was stupid. But the diner was my social life on life support and my apartment is in an area of town I really like (not even fancy, rents here are just stupid now thanks to capitalisms tendency to destroy communities).
So if my benefits ever finds the time to call me back (I will be going up the command chain at the end of the week if I haven't heard back yet, because jesus christ what the fuck is the hold-up). I should be able to get through the next month and move and that will be change, good or bad. Although at this point in my life any change is likely good.
But otherwise I am still stagnant, still isolated, with no community or purpose to latch on to. It is not fun and I don't recommend it to anyone.
All I've really wanted for a long time now is a little quiet and I just can't create it for myself. Working from home is a misery because my cat drives me nuts. If I hadn't had her for 12 years or so and she wasn't already dying of kidney failure I might give her away. I had a life bond with my other cat, may he rest in peace, but this one has always been a more ... mercurial relationship. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's the worst. But she actively hates peace, quiet and concentration and some writers like to play that off as cute, but it drives me nuts because she's not actually teaching me important life lessons when I can't get my fucking work done. Gah. Did I mention she's dying and I feel incredibly guilty for being frustrated with her all the time? It's true. She's going to Actually Die at some point and I'm going to feel terrible about this last year.
But I digress. I just want quiet and I need to work harder at creating that. I'd love 6 months on an island or a sanitarium but I'll settle for a quiet home life for a while. I don't know, something. A purpose, an opportunity, a connection. Some god damn thing.
I just don't understand why I basically don't function anymore socially or productively and I don't know what to do about it. And I'm too broke for therapy! But hey, I have a blog where I can ramble/whine about it. Which is SOMETHING.
I get invited to drinks and whatnot but I don't really feel like I fit in so I don't have a good time. I mean transparently the problem is my self-esteem is cratered and I don't really do anything interesting worth talking about anymore aside from reading a few good books. But I feel 1000% percent more boring when I go out with people. I just don't have a lot to say anymore and I'm not too happy so I'm not fun to be around. Also I have a stupid unrequited crush that is a bad idea and I know that because I've done this 20 times before, but here I am again.
I really desperately need to get out of the house on the cheap. I should probably start volunteering somewhere at the very least. Maybe try some meditation groups or buddhist churches. Part of the problem is I'm desperately unhappy but not really sure what I actually want to do instead of what I'm doing, even though it would likely be better to be doing literally anything else than playing video games and hating myself. I'd probably be fine if I could find somewhere to just put my head down and work in a small group for a while. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my cat to die before making any big life changes which suuuuuucks for all involved.
Anyway, I continue to hate this whole big stupid phase of my life. When I figure out how to stop being so stubbornly unhappy maybe I'll have a better update.
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